


Into Hiding

by demondetox



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Cop!ChristianKane, Frottage (of some sort), M/M, Mention of past: BDSM / S&M, Possibility of top!Jared & bottom!Jensen, Prostitution, Rape/Non-Con (ORAL): Jared/Mark, bottom!Jared, cop!Jensen, hooker!Jared, top!Jensen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-05-11
Packaged: 2018-01-15 04:48:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 50,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1291999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demondetox/pseuds/demondetox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen Ackles, Dallas Police Officer, finds himself in a club looking for something that doesn't involve dancing. Before he knows what hit him he's being seduced by a handsome stranger. The stranger, who turns out to be a hooker, holds more secrets than Jensen signed up for. When Jensen begins to fall for the young man he has to learn about the deathly danger following their every step.<br/>Jensen (34) / Jared (25)</p><div class="center">
  <p> </p>
  <p>    <img/><br/></p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Author: [demondetox](http://archiveofourown.org/users/demondetox/pseuds/demondetox)  
> Artist: [travellerintime](http://travellerintime.tumblr.com)  
> Beta: [ObsidianRomance](http://archiveofourown.org/users/obsidianromance/pseuds/obsidianromance) \- Without her help this story might have never gotten past the first few pages. Her support is what kept me going and without her input this story might have been written into many different versions and none of them satisfying to anyone. But she pushed me into the right direction and I'm happy to have come to the point where I can say I'm happy to start posting… Thank you so much, love... for everything! I'd "shrivel up and die a horrible death of non - porny existence" if you weren't there to light the way for me.

 

**~~~*~~~**

Jensen always hated the club scene, he doesn’t appreciate the bluntness of most club goers. Of course that's exactly the kind of behavior one expects from some people that enjoy gay clubs a little too much and people who are somewhat on the wild side. Which is why he avoids them, at all cost.

Usually.

Regular bars are more comfortable for him, even though it's so much more difficult to find a bedmate to blow off some steam with, in a bar that is mostly crowded with straight guys. But he's used to it. Especially used to his right hand. Doesn't mean he isn't longing for warm and strong hands roaming over his skin or wet lips trailing along his own and of course it's so much better to have another man's fingers stroking him, filling him in places he needs it the most. Usually he settles for a bar and enjoys a few beers before he makes his way home to bring himself to completion.  
  
Usually.  
  
Tonight isn't one of the usual nights. Now he is specifically searching out one of the many gay clubs in Dallas. It's hidden, in a dark alley barely anyone knows. But _Jensen_ does. Of course he does. There isn't a single corner of Dallas that Jensen doesn't know like the back of his hand.  
  
He's dressed in what he guesses doesn't scream who and what he is. Nothing but a normal outfit; dark jeans, white button down shirt and old sneakers that could well say hobo. But there are still eyes on him when he's seated in a booth in the far corner of the club.  
  
It's far into the night and Jensen has drowned enough beers to feel the pleasant buzz of alcohol running in his blood, his body relaxed and yearning for contact, when a young man approaches him. The guy probably thinks Jensen was oblivious to his approach but what kind of cop would Jensen be if he doesn’t know what's happening around him before it actually takes place. His eyes and brain are trained to scan his surroundings, see and analyze every little movement.  
  
"Mind if I sit with you?" The low rumbling voice of the guy goes straight to Jensen's cock and he's suddenly hit with nerves. Jensen has watched the guy, unobtrusive, and is aware of exactly how long the young man's sharp eyes lingered on Jensen before he finally decided to walk over to Jensen's booth. Exactly fifty-two minutes.  
  
"Not at all." Jensen answers and scoots over to make room for the mop of hair on legs. The blinding and dimpled smile he receives in return has his insides boiling with want. And the fact that this guy is build like a fucking house is something fiercely toxic for Jensen's libido.  
  
"How come you're all alone here?" The guy asks him, sitting down right next to Jensen. Close, so close Jensen can discretely take a sniff of the guy’s soap that’s still lingering on tanned skin.  
  
"Well, my plans for tonight don't include company from any of my friends." Jensen's smirk lays his _plans_ flat out on the table. The sad truth of him not really having that many friends is swallowed down by another sip of his beer. Jensen has always been somewhat of a loner, throughout High School he rather earned good grades than hanging out and causing trouble. The academy didn't give him much time to socialize either and work, well that's just work and sure he gets along with his fellow officers just fine but he doesn't feel the need to include them too much in his private life. But, of course, there is Chris, who he hangs out with on a regular basis and it's fun to shoot the shit with him but Jensen is always happy to go back to his house and dwell in the loneliness that is the rest of his life. Hey, at least it means he's got more time to visit his family. His momma is probably smiling somewhere right now if she knew what his thoughts are.  
  
"Is that so?"  
  
Jensen nods, sure of himself.  
  
"Your _plans_ , by any chance, include tall, dark and handsome?"  
  
Before Jensen can say anything as embarrassing like _'God, yes and please'_ , there's a muscular hand on his thigh, agonizingly slow wandering up and so close to his crotch his dick is twitching and beginning to harden. The guy leans closer then, his warmth almost burning through Jensen's shirt and shallow puffs of breath ghosting over Jensen's ear. "Because I'm all of the above."  
  
Jensen wants to agree, but he's sure that all that's coming out of his mouth is a strangled moan. When the guy's tongue starts licking along his jaw Jensen's eyes fall closed and his breath is hitching several times. Fuck, it's been forever since anyone was having him so close of shooting in his pants by barely doing anything. That’s probably why he’s not far from shooting in his pants, because _it has been_ forever. But this voice is doing things to him, to his for intimacy starving body, it's not even funny anymore.  
  
"God, do you have any idea... so beautiful." The guy breathes against Jensen's pulse point and that hand, _Jesus_. Any other time Jensen would shoot a guy for calling him any girly shit like that but he doesn't have it in him to do anything except take whatever the young man's willing to give him. And boy, does Jensen raise his hopes that the guy wants to give him a hell of a lot.  
  
Jensen is barely aware of what's happening, and that is a surprise in itself because he doesn't lose control like that, ever. The guy's so obviously skilled hand creeps under Jensen's shirt then, pinching his nipples one at a time while sweet pink lips keep sucking on his throat, collar bone and everywhere else the guy can reach. And then, _holy shit_ , there is some fumbling with Jensen's belt and all of a sudden his dick's springing free, cold air hitting his heated flesh and Jensen is just sitting there, too far gone already, not doing anything but praying for more. Somewhere in the back of his mind he’s thankful that he picked a somewhat secluded booth, because prying eyes are the last thing he needs in this moment.  
  
The cold around his cock is gone and replaced with incredible wet hotness and Jensen opens his eyes just in time to see this _stranger_ going down on him, leaning awkwardly over his crotch to suck Jensen down to the hilt.  
  
"Fuck!" Jensen yelps and his hands close around the guys head, not pushing him down but definitely holding him in place enough to make him keep going.  
  
What's happening shouldn't be legal, and it isn't, Jensen knows the law by heart but he couldn't care less in this moment, even though he should stop this he doesn't have it in him, only whips his head left and right to make sure nobody is watching; his fingers never leaving the fine silky strands of hair.  
  
Then the heat is gone, the guy lifting his head and his lips leaving Jensen's dick with a wet pop. Jensen wants to scream and protest, his dick is so achingly hard he's about to combust but all he can do is blink at the stranger. The fucker just smiles at him mischievously.  
  
"Bathroom. Follow me in ten minutes."  
  
Jensen is too stunned to answer. He doesn't even know the guy's name and still he doesn't want anything more than to do whatever the stranger tells him to.  
  
He tucks himself back in his jeans and scans the room after the guy left for the bathroom. Everybody is minding their own business and obviously unaware of what just happened. His cock is digging painfully against the zipper and when he gets up to follow the handsome mystery man he's sure everyone can see the raging hard on in his pants.  
  
He's barely inside the bathroom when his stranger pulls him into one of the stalls and it is so _on_. One second Jensen's standing there like an awkward virgin, not moving and the next second his jeans are pulled down to his ankles and a pre-lubed condom is rolled over his dick.  
  
And then reality kicks in, he's fumbling with the stranger's button and zipper and the guy kicks his shoes and pants off, leaving him standing completely nude from the waist down. Fuck, the guy is gorgeous, all lean muscles and definitely the most delicious cock Jensen's ever seen. Jensen grabs the guy then, lifting him up by the back of his thighs and backs him up against the stall door. Long legs are wrapped around Jensen's waist and he hoists the guy up a little further until his dick comes in contact with the guy's already prepped hole.  
  
"Couldn't wait, huh?" Jensen hears himself asking and then he lines himself up, guiding his dick to the guy's entrance and pushing in. When he breaches the first resistance the guy's head falls on Jensen's shoulder, arms clinging around Jensen's neck and he pushes in further, burying himself inch by inch deeper into the tight heat.  
  
This is so not what he wanted. Jensen would have preferred taking someone home, spreading them out on his massive bed and getting to know every ridge and curve of the man's body and maybe even wake up next to each other for another round but yeah, he's not looking a gift horse in the mouth.  
  
The guy is moaning and groaning his pleasure against Jensen's neck, beautiful big cock rubbing against his abs and Jensen thrusts up faster, harder, screwing the guy in earnest and he knows it doesn't take much longer until he'll come. Jensen's hands spread the stranger's ass further, giving him more room to fuck into him and he still wants more, wants to capture those sinful lips of the guy with his own and suck every mewl out of him and into his own throat but he doesn't let Jensen, pulls his head away whenever Jensen's mouth comes close. There's no time for Jensen to question the action because there's this burst of white hot heat crushing through his very core and he's only fast enough to see that the guy is stroking himself furiously, stripping his cock blindingly fast until he curses strings of nonsense and spills his orgasm all over their stomachs, and his ass clenches tight around Jensen, forcing Jensen over the edge as well.  
  
They breathe heavy and eventually Jensen lets go, pulling out carefully and flushing the filled condom down the toilet. It's a little awkward then and a sad smile on the stranger's face hits Jensen like a slap to the face.  
  
"That was fun." The guy says then. "What's your name?"  
  
"Jensen." Shaking hands after fucking in a dirty bathroom seems a little weird so Jensen doesn't even attempt on doing so. They silently dress again and when the stranger reaches for the lock Jensen stops him.  
  
"Wait. What's your name? If you want we can go back to my place."  
  
"No."  
  
"No?"  
  
"Listen, I don't do this."  
  
"Don't do what? Fucking people you don't know?"  
  
"Fucking for free." The stranger cocks an eyebrow at him like Jensen is a little slow; offering a court nod on top to make Jensen _understand_.  
  
Jensen is confused for a second and then the words click into place and he feels like being hit by a Mack truck or a bullet. But then again a bullet to the chest knocks you unconscious almost immediately so the pain isn't as devastating as what he's feeling right now. This guy, whatever the hell his name is, is a prostitute and Jensen had no fucking clue. He feels used and dirty and all kinds of screwed and not in a good way. And yet he's still standing here, watching the guy's face crumble and he wonders what such a great-looking, and previously all happy-smiles-guy drives to lead this kind of life. People don't end up whoring themselves out for fun and it's obvious on the man's face that no matter how mesmerizing his dimples had lured Jensen in, there's a painful story to the guy.  
  
"You fuck as good as you look, wouldn't mind another round," the young man starts again and produces a business card from his pocket, "but it's gonna cost you." He pushes the card in Jensen's hand and unlocks the stall. On duty or not, Jensen should arrest the guy, call for his partner and take the young man in. But he doesn’t. And it’s not because he would get himself in some trouble as well, his reasons for not revealing himself as a cop are unknown even to Jensen himself.  
  
"Bye, Jensen." He says and then he's gone.  
  
Jensen is still staying where the guy left him, arms hanging to his sides and he's staring at the door his stranger just left through then lifts his arm to look at the card between his fingers. It's a simple white card, a phone number and the letter 'J' printed in neat and small letters in the center.  
  
Jensen shoves the card in his wallet and tries to still his nerves. He should dispose it and never look back because he's never going to dial those ten digits. No way in hell will he take on the offer from _J_. And already he wonders what the letter stands for. No, he has to remove this night from his memory and forget how amazing J's fingers felt on his skin and it's stupid in epic proportions to dwell on thoughts of those lips that so well sucked on his cock.

  
Of course J knew how to suck cock. Damn it. A prostitute, Jensen’s been fooled by a damn hooker.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't plan on posting the next part already, but my fingers were itching. ;) Enjoy.

_**...chapter two...** _

 

Jensen's resolve is holding on for almost a week when he can't take it anymore. He's lying in his bed after a rather shitty shift and while jerking off in the shower had been okay-ish it still wasn't good enough. It has always been better than okay but now hazel eyes and a sad smile with an edge of hurt are haunting him. Jensen never had to pay for sex, and it's still something he's dreading to do. It's wrong on all possible levels, especially for someone in his position. Yet the thought of finding someone else to scratch this itch is driving him crazy. He's tried to ignore his physical and in a sick way, emotional want for a week and still nothing is helping him forget.

 _Damn the consequences_. He thinks and gets up from the bed to find his wallet where he knows the business card is still hidden in.

With shaking fingers he dials the number he promised himself to never call. And if he really ever has to face any consequences he’d blame it on his temporary insanity.

"Hello?" A sleep ruffled voice greets him and a short glance to the clock above the fridge tells him that it's already aftermidnight. But it is the stranger, J., from the club. Jensen would be able to tell this voice out of thousands.

"H-Hi. This J.?" Jensen knows it is, but his skin is on fire with anticipation and his brain silly with want.

"Yes. And you are?"

"Jensen. It's Jensen. You probably don't remember me." And considering that J. probably gives out his business card to many guys Jensen's sure the guy can neither remember his face much less his name, no matter how unusual it is.

"Didn't think you'd call. What can I do for you, Jensen?"

 _Me_. He thinks but J. probably already figured that this is exactly why Jensen calls.

"What's the J stand for?" He asks instead and wants to hit his forehead against every surface of his house over how stupid he is.

"That's why you're calling in the middle of the night?"

"No, it's not the only reason."

"It's Jay, as in J-A-Y. Wanna talk business or just discuss names for a while longer because I gotta tell you, phone sex isn't that profitable for me."

Right. Business, that's all it is for Jay. "Uh, yeah, uh... how much do you... you know?" Oh God, Jensen can't believe he's really having this conversation, talking prices with a prostitute. Over the phone. A prostitute he can't get out of his damn head.

"Charge?" Jay fills in Jensen's blanks. "Let's say a hundred for an hour. And you can do with me whatever you want." Jay's voice is hesitant for a second and Jensen wonders how comfortable Jay really is with what he's doing and Jensen knows the wavering in Jay's tone is justified because of what he's offering.

Jensen has seen it on crime scenes before, the terrible and nightmare-worthy sights of murdered and slaughtered prostitutes. Women and men alike, offering their bodies on a silver plate for a john to get off. And for what? A few bucks of extra cash, or barely enough money to keep them from starving to death. Jensen always asks himself what pushes people so far that they see no other choice but to sell their body but never before did this question lie so heavy on him.

Jay seemed to be so different from what Jensen knows and learned about hookers in the past. He smelled so fresh, fruity shampoo and sharp aftershave, his skin baby soft and healthy colored and the guy was obviously in perfect shape. Nothing said 'prostitute', which is why it's so difficult for Jensen to understand why Jay is doing this; leading such a dangerous life.

"Okay." Jensen agrees, despite his inner turmoil of guilt, but the thrill of having the younger man beneath him is so much stronger. "Are you, uh, free?"

"What, right now?" Jay's tone changes to almost excited and it's understandable to be excited over such an hourly rate.

"If you’re up for it, yeah. I know it's really late but... yeah."

"No problem." Jensen can hear shuffling in the background on the other end of the line. "Where do you wanna meet up? The club?"

"My place?" And that is such a damn idiotic idea Jensen wants to shoot himself.

Jay is silent for a while, probably weighing his options or thinking of a way to cancel all together. Jensen wouldn't blame him if he did but there's already an unexplainable disappointment building inside of him should it come to it.

"Fine, okay."

Jensen rattles down his address and Jay tells him he'll be there shortly.

Turns out, _shortly_ , is a timeframe Jensen has his problems with. Waiting one hour and twelve minutes has him more on edge than he’s willing to admit. This is a mistake, he tells himself over and over again. He doesn’t do this, doesn’t pay people to have sex with him; a loop in his head keeps playing this chant. There’s not even a smart or plausible excuse why he called Jay and why he’s willing to pay for the man’s service. If Jensen would be as pretty as the ugly duckling he could blame his looks on it but he knows he’s far from ugly. And yet he can’t find someone to give him what he desires. Which isn’t only physical contact itself but it would be a start. Calling a prostitute doesn’t solve this problem either, because there isn’t anything Jay could possibly offer him, or would want to offer him, besides his body.

Though, Jensen takes what he can get and today it’s definitely Jay’s alluring build he wants and surely will have.

When his doorbell finally rings he really wants to race to the door and pull the door open with lightning speed but he doesn’t want to look _that_ desperate. He tells himself that he isn’t and rolls his eyes at his own thoughts. He patiently waits for the second ring and takes a deep breath before slowly opening the door and the breath he wanted to exhale is stuck in his throat when he lays eyes on Jay. Jensen had hoped that whatever he saw in the guy was nothing but his imagination and too much beer in his blood, but it turns out that the guy is still as stunning as he remembers and Jensen does his best to forget that Jay isn’t here for Jensen specifically but for the Benjamin Franklin Jensen is going to hand over.

“Hey.” Jensen murmurs only a little too fussy.

“Hey yourself.” Either Jensen’s vision is somewhat off or Jay looks just as sheepish as Jensen feels.

Eventually Jensen does remember his manners though and steps aside to let Jay walk past him and into the hallway. Apparently the guy has been raised well because he steps out of his shoes without a word and follows Jensen into the kitchen.

“You, uh… want a beer or something?” Jensen politely asks while sticking his head into the fridge; not only for some drinks but mostly because he can feel the big ass blush on his cheeks and cooling his face should do the trick.

“No.” Jay’s voice rumbles so very close from behind him.

Jensen turns around after bracing himself and Jay smiles at him predatory. “Anything else then? Coffee or something to eat?”

“No.” Jay repeats and Jensen is sure that he doesn’t need any second guessing that the guy wants to get straight to business, but damn it, Jensen thought that he himself would have at least time for a beer or two to loosen up a little. He really should have done that while waiting for the younger man.

“Okay. Yeah, right. Didn’t come here to socialize.”

“That’s about right.”

Jensen doesn’t have time to react when Jay is suddenly on him, huge paws settling on Jensen’s hips, pushing him into the counter. Jay looks at him like he’s about to kiss him, their mouths so close they’re breathing the same air and Jensen wants to close that gap between them, wants to taste those lips so badly but Jay, again, won’t let him, aims for Jensen’s jaw instead. He’s scraping his teeth oh so tentatively over Jensen’s five o clock stubble, tongue lapping hungrily at his throat and Jensen is already getting harder than his dick should have any right to be.

Jensen throws his head back, exposing his neck further and giving Jay as much access as possible while his hands claw and pull the younger man closer against him.

“Tell me how you want me.” Jay rasps and if Jensen’s not mistaken the guy is just as into it as Jensen is, if not for the same reasons but it’s obvious that they both enjoy this encounter.

“Hnngh…” Jensen can’t even think straight anymore when Jay presses his hard length in Jensen’s hips. So he answers as best as he can; by getting a good hold of the hem of Jay’s shirt, tugging until Jay steps back far enough for Jensen to pull the younger man’s shirt over his head. It’s the first time Jensen gets an actual visual of the man’s chest and abs and fucking hell he really is that build. Every inch nothing but pure and well-taken care of muscle under sun kissed skin and Jensen’s almost choking on his own tongue when he’s trying to get his breathing under control.

Hell, Jensen’s pretty good in shape as well, he has to be for his job, and all he would have to do is take a look in the mirror and admire the view but Jay beats everything and everyone Jensen ever laid eyes on. Jensen can’t stop staring, he reaches out to touch, because he can. He’s allowed to, fuck, he’s paying for it so of course he can skim his palms over the smooth skin.

Jay’s eyes fall shut when Jensen comes in contact with his nipple and he silently wonders if this is part of Jay’s job. The guy looks utterly turned on, seems to want this just as much but Jensen shakes himself out of it quickly, knowing that this is nothing but an act. Jensen is a customer and Jay’s probably doing whatever it takes to get Jensen to pay; pretense is most definitely number one of Jay’s job’s description.

Knowing that touching the guy’s chest might actually get Jensen off, too, it’s not what he wants. Not all of it. He moves his hands further down Jay’s chest, slowly over firm abs and presses his thumbs along his navel until he reaches the waistband of blue denim. Jensen makes quick work of the button and zipper, stripping the guy bare right there in his kitchen and crouches down to get the jeans off completely. With controlled and still nervous movements he kisses his way up; his lips admiring strong calves and athletic thighs and he completely ignores Jay’s cock while doing so. It’s a shame, really. The guy surely has the most gorgeous and definitely biggest cock Jensen’s ever had the pleasure of touching and as much as he would love to suck the guy down he would rather have him coming on Jensen’s own cock, balls deep in Jay’s ass.

Both hands holding on to Jay’s narrow hips as he pulls himself all the way up again, latching onto the young man’s collar bone and he’s being dragged flush against the guy’s massive chest while his lips keep sucking on warm, fruit-scented skin; faint trace of sweat building on their bodies, hearts beating rapidly and Jensen wants, _needs_. He’s squeezing Jay’s hips, hard, definitely bruising him and the sweet sound of pleasure that’s leaving Jay’s lips tells him that he likes it just like that. Jensen takes a tentative step backwards, only enough so he can turn the slightly taller man around and pushes him against the counter; both palms spread flat on the marble surface and Jensen steps between his legs, nudging them apart so his cock his poking right at Jay’s bare ass.

Jensen places feather like kisses over Jay’s back, taking his time, even though he’s about to die from blue balls. Jay turns his head to look at Jensen, challenging him, “gonna fuck me or just enjoying the view?”

“Oh I intend on fucking you, don’t you worry.” Jensen is really impressed by his calm voice; presses the guy down until his chest is lying flat on the counter. He manages to hide his shaking hands and produces a pack of lube from his back pocket, opens it eagerly and pouring a good amount of the cold liquid on his fingers.

He isn’t even surprised when his fingers find Jay’s hole and he can feel that he must have prepped himself before showing up. Jensen’s thankful that the young man’s so precautious, probably had to deal with his fair share of assholes just taking him without a lick of care as to making sure they won’t hurt him. Jensen shoves the thought far away in the back of his brain; doesn’t want to think about who or how many other guys touched the guy before or going to after he leaves Jensen’s house. The thought really disturbs him, bothers him though. He never liked to share, especially his men but then again, Jay isn’t _his_ and he has absolutely no claim on the guy. The part of him that wishes he had the right to do so he shuts out for the time being.

When Jensen pushes the first lube-covered finger inside the touch is almost electric, a jolt shooting through him. His other hand roams freely over Jay’s back, becoming familiar with the shape and texture of the younger man. Jay is clutching the counter, his body stretched taut and his breathing shallow and rapid as Jensen fucks another finger into him; soon making a third digit follow, scissoring and spreading him wide.

Jensen is in too far over his head, he's telling himself how wrong this all is. The second he opens his pants to free his cock a switch is flipped and all he is aware of is that this moment is all about lust and control, whereas he always prefers love and trust. But love is something he can't afford to think of, especially when he rolls a condom over his cock and lines up to fuck a prostitute. He's in such a confused state of mind that his vision blurs when he bottoms out. Jensen's hands running up and down Jay's back, pulling the younger man down on his hard flesh.

Jay is mostly quiet, a moan here and there but that's about it, no encouragements or words of appreciation. Then again, Jensen can't blame the guy. Whatever has driven Jay to sell his body Jensen doubts that the young man is happy about being in this position.

Jensen shuts his mind up then, begins to enjoy the warm body that's surrounding him, tight heat gripping him in and embracing his cock in the most delicious way. Pleasure snaps through Jensen's entire body and he moves his hand around to jerk Jay's hard member, stroking him in rhythm to the snaps of his hips.

Quick and shallow puffs fill the air and Jensen doesn't even register if it's him or Jay but when Jay vibrates and squirms in his hold, ass clenching tightly and ropes of come coating Jensen's hand there is nothing he can do to hold back any longer.

Snapping his hips a few times more, the razor-sharp waves of his orgasm leaving his heart beating a mile per minute. His eyes are glued to the perfectly shaped ass in his hands, the way his cock is pulling out and pushing back in and before he can stop his brain he is already marveling at the easy way their bodies fit together. It's heating him all the way through and it suffocates him at the same time that he _wants_. He would give anything to stop right this moment, go back in time and never let Jay touch him in the first place. But he also wants to get to know the guy, the real Jay, if that even is his real name.

Jensen's body takes over though, makes the decisions for him and he can feel the thrumming need under his skin to let go and then he comes, filling the condom while his lips babble a string of incoherent curses. He sags against Jay's sweat-slicked back and gnaws at the guy's neck, abusing his nostrils with the bittersweet scent of sex, come, sweat and something else that he can't put his finger on. It must be Jay's natural pure scent because Jensen had smelled it before, had a taste of it not that long ago when he had him pinned against the stall door of the nasty bathroom at the club.

Jay is pushing back carefully and Jensen understands that he's supposed to pull out and let go. Problem is, he doesn't want to. Doesn't know how to ever let go but he has to, so he does eventually. Reluctantly and with a heavy feeling of guilt and shame in his chest.

He throws the condom in the trashcan, tugs himself back into his jeans and watches how Jay pulls his clothes back on without a word, much less looking at Jensen. It hurts and Jensen feels like scum for having done this, for being another douche bag willing to throw a few bills at a guy to have a few minutes of fun.

Jensen wants to say something, maybe tell the guy how awesome it was and that this was probably the best sex Jensen's ever had but he keeps quiet and doesn't dare looking at Jay until the young man clears his throat.

A shadow falls over Jay's expression. When he showed up he seemed eager, in control and now he's anything but. He looks vulnerable, broken and exhausted. It's the first time Jensen notices the real sadness in Jay's eyes and he aches to touch, to wrap the man up in his arms. Underneath the broken shell Jensen can see that Jay is beautiful, simple as that.

Something flickers in the man's eyes and Jensen wishes he could read him, instead they stare at each other for a long moment. Jensen hopes deeply that Jay can't look through him because whatever's happening in this moment makes it clear to Jensen that he is completely, helplessly and royally screwed.

The moment is broken like glass, sharp and painful when Jay speaks up for the first time in what feels like hours, "so..."

"So." Jensen repeats Jay's words.

Everything is awkward and stuffy. Jensen wants to knock himself unconscious.

"I hope you remember that this was a business transaction?" Jay's voice falters, there's a hint of fear in it and that's the moment when Jensen snaps back to the fucked up reality he threw himself into.

"No, right. Just spaced out there, is all. Sorry."

Jensen walks past Jay and goes back to the hallway to get his wallet from the drawer. He opens it with shaking hands and the first thing he spots is his badge, shiny and golden, mocking him and he thumbs the metal; hard edges burning his skin with more guilt. He lets out a relieved breath when he realizes how this could have gotten totally out of hand if he had let Jay into his living room, which’s walls are plastered with family pictures. There are photographs of Jensen with his parents and siblings, some of Jensen and Chris and definitely one or two of Jensen in his uniform, next to his dad who's arm is proudly wrapped around Jensen's shoulder. Both smiling happily for the camera. Jay would freak out if he knew who Jensen is, probably run as fast as his long legs could carry him.

Jensen snaps back and takes his wallet out of the drawer and walks back into the kitchen. He hands Jay two fifty dollar bills.

"Thanks." The younger man says and swallows confused when their fingers brush.

If Jensen would be like any other client he would demand some more of Jay's time because the hour he just paid for isn't over by a long shot but as much as he wants the man to stay, forever please, he wants him gone and out of his house, fast. Jensen needs time to think, sort out the mess in his head. The pleasure that ran through his body from the orgasm has long worn off and he feels mentally and physically drained.

"Jay, can, uh, can I call you again?" He shouldn't, no, he should never call him again but there's no doubt in his mind that he won’t be able to forget and move on.

"Sure," Jay starts to answer and all of a sudden his whole expression changes back to the way it was when they first met; cold, aloof and stone-ish, "you can reach me after seven pm. No weekends. A text message with time and place is usually good enough."

Jensen isn't sure how to process this information or if he should at all. If the guy is only available in the evenings then what is he doing during daytime? Does he have a regular job? College maybe? Jensen could figure all of this out, if he had an actual name to go with it. But 'Jay' doesn't help at all; it’s not at all enough data to punch into the fancy ass software their department offers for tracking people down. Jensen doesn’t have any information that would be helpful, no last name, no date or place of birth. Nothing.

Jensen sees Jay out then, waving like an idiot at the younger man's back and he's only a little disappointed that Jay doesn't look back. Then again, this wasn't a date. Not even a date gone wrong. It was nothing but business, how Jay pointed out earlier.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thank you to everyone for the lovely comments on the first two chapters. Thought it's okay to give you guys an early update? ;) Rules still stand though: I can't promise to update faster than two weeks between each chapter. If it happens, please send extra love and thank-you-cookies. :) <3

**...chapter three...**

 

 

"What's wrong with you, man? You're all closed off and brooding."

"I'm not brooding, Chris. Now shut up and get us to the damn scene."

Jensen hates Chris so much, the fucker can read him like an open book and it sucks a lot. Truth is, Jensen _is_ brooding and moping. He hasn't contacted Jay in well over three weeks. Not because he didn't want to but he needed space. To think. And whenever he booted his brain up to deliver some pros and _or_ cons he came up with absolutely nothing. Every time he had a reason formed in his head why it was wrong to call Jay, the other part of him said that he's being stupid, nobody would ever know what he's doing in his free time.

Being a man of the law makes it all so much worse. And the cop inside him should have arrested Jay, Jensen's libido though, was a horny bitch with a lot of need for attention. The need is still there, it doesn't go away. It's not only the physical attraction to a guy he knows nothing about. Jensen wants to see with his own eyes how much more there is to the young man.

If he tells his partner anything about Jay then Chris would demand not only answers but also Jay's phone number to track him down, tail him and maybe even go as far as bait him. Jensen isn't willing to let this happen.

He receives an unreadable glare from Chris in the driver's seat but drops the subject. The rest of the drive to their designated crime scene is spent in silence. Jensen is thankful for it but hates it at the same time.

The case they're being called out for is as clear as the Dallas sky. Still, it's exhausting and nerve-wrecking. The dispatcher from the precinct ordered them to the address the second the call came in; gang-related dispute ending in a guy in his late twenties being stabbed. An anonymous call had been placed and the attacker was chased down and arrested, knife still in his possession, blood dripping from it in big droplets. The victim is already taken care of since the dispatcher called an ambulance right away.

Jensen doesn't let himself get affected by his job anymore, it would probably kill him if he worried about every victim he crossed.

The attacker tried to get away, but while Jensen ran after him like the devil, Chris took, as always, the easier part; driving their car in the direction Jensen gave him over the radio. Two blocks later, they cornered the guy; Jensen barely breaking a sweat, Chris being a smug bastard with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face and the perp completely out of breath.

"Damn, I'm good." Chris drawls, arms folded over his chest and smirking away.

" _You_ are good? Didn't see you running after the fucktard." Jensen exclaims.

"Hey!" The guy yells at Jensen, feeling offended for being called names.

"Shut your pie trap, we're having an important discussion." Chris lifts his hand and tells the guy.

"If I remember correctly it's always me doing the leg work. How's that fair?"

"It's plenty fair. You know how much I hate running."

In his peripheral vision Jensen can see the perp's movements, taking careful steps backwards and Chris' eyes shift to his right, showing Jensen exactly what the offender's eyes are looking for: a way out. Chris keeps ranting and arguing but Jensen knows this game; pretending to not pay attention and offering the perpetrator a chance to run. Jensen is always amused by this, it shouldn't be funny but as soon as the guy starts taking off Chris steps into action, fast and coordinated footwork towards the perp and smacks him straight in the jaw, making the guy tumble to the ground with a heavy thud.

"See? You're not the only one doing hard labor, my friend." Chris snickers at Jensen.

"I'll press charges, you ass! This is police brutality. You broke my damn nose."

Jensen is sure that Chris broke more than just the guy's nose, if all that blood is any indication.

"Sir, I'm sorry about my partner's behavior. But he was acting in self-defense." Jensen reasons with a fake apologetic smile and a sure voice.

"Self-... Fuck you! I didn't even try to touch him."

"You were running towards him. With a knife in your hands, I might like to add."

"Fuck you!"

Chris just snorted at how calm Jensen still is. The least this perp deserved is a broken nose.

Jensen gets his cuffs out, lowers himself until his knee is pressed into the lower back of the attacker to hold him still. He cuffs the guy then reads him his rights and lifts him up in a firm grip all while Chris bags the knife as evidence. A couple hours later the guy confesses and turns out stabbing the victim was part of a sick and twisted dare to become a part of one of Dallas’ gangs. If the victim pulls through, the perpetrator is still going to be serving at least fifteen years for attempted murder.

Later that day, Chris and Jensen's shift is about finished and they treat themselves with a fast meal at a burger joint in their district. Their conversation and usual banter comes to an abrupt halt when their on-body radio rattles to life. The dispatcher informs them of a 10-37 at a parking lot only five minutes from their current location.

Those are the kind of jobs Jensen dislikes the most because investigating a suspicious vehicle could mean anything; ranging from nothing to a bomb threat or a drug deal, maybe even something as harmless as someone who got tired and needed a nap. You never know and it makes him nervous.

He sometimes questions himself, his job and all the danger that comes with it. When the chief offered him the position of Detective Jensen was torn between ‘oh fuck, hell yeah’ and ‘Jesus fucking Christ, not ever.’ Eventually he decided against it. He’s a great officer, knows it and everyone keeps telling him so and sure, he might enjoy the better salary as a detective but in the end he’s just too used of what he’s been doing for so many years now. He knows the streets, knows the people roaming them and working without Chris; leaving his partner behind? Not ever going to happen. They are in this together and he won’t step up the career latter until the day Chris is offered the same. There is just no way Jensen is willing to start from scratch; build a new relationship with a new partner. He trusts Chris: with his life and decisions. This feeling of knowing that someone is having your back no matter what isn’t going to change. And vice versa.

It's Chris' turn to pay for their food so he walks up to the waitress, pays both their bills and tips well enough to earn a promising smile. Jensen is almost certain that Chris will come back here sometime soon. The waitress is definitely cute, even Jensen can see that and she’s totally Chris’ type.

When they return to the suspicious vehicle, Chris checks the parameter while Jensen approaches said car in question, right hand ready to draw his gun if need be. In the last ten years he had to fire it only five times and he always dreads it. They are trained to aim for the limbs and not any vital organs, but it's still a heavy weight on one’s conscience to point a gun at someone; whether you have to pull the trigger or not.

The closer he gets to the car the more relaxed he becomes because it seems like there isn't any immediate danger to expect, unless catching STD through the circulation of air is an option. The car is shaking lightly, the windows fogged up and loud throaty groans mixed with squeals fill the air. Someone's definitely having a good time.

Jensen carefully knocks at one of the windows and a squawk of utter surprise comes from the car.

"Dallas Police, please step out of the vehicle." Jensen says loud enough for them and also Chris to hear. His partner is walking to him then and Jensen can see him giggle behind the back of his hand. "And please get dressed before you do so." Jensen adds hastily.

They can hear the two in the car arguing and when the guy opens the door first to get out he's being pulled back and then a woman's voice is heard.

"You still owe me thirty bucks."

Jensen squeezes his eyes shut for a second and his body is crippled with nerves. He is suddenly invaded with thoughts of Jay and worry. What if Jay meets up with people in some shabby old car?

"Well, that's an awful lot for getting your rocks off with a hooker." It's Chris who pulls the man from the car and his voice is full of disgust.

_I paid more than triple that price_ , Jensen thinks but doesn’t let his thoughts show.

The woman scrambles out of the car next, her hair is chaos and mess, skin dirty and she reeks; in desperate need of a shower.

Jensen is frozen in place until Chris addresses him and tells Jensen to take care of the woman while he searches the man.

Her eyes are screaming at Jensen to let her go. She looks devastated.

"Ma'am, your ID please." Jensen requests and he keeps his tone low, doesn't want to scare her more than she already looks.

She bends into the car to get her wallet and as soon as she opens it Jensen notices the pictures of three small children; neither of them older than maybe nine or ten, the youngest doesn’t look a year old yet.

"Stay put." He orders and there's no doubt that Chris will have his balls for this.

"A word with you, Officer Kane?" He needs to talk to Chris, he can't arrest this woman, doesn't have it in him. Never before did he question the decisions he has to make in his job, but since Jay... everything is different.

"What's the matter, Jen?" Chris says so only Jensen can hear when they take a step back.

"She's got kids.”

"And? Do your job and arrest her for prostitution."

"And her children? Dude, she's probably doing this to feed them.”

"Who gives a shit? It's against the law and you know it."

" _I_ give a shit. Chris, please. I don't feel good about this and I'm trying to trust my guts here. Let her go, give her a warning and a sending-off. Who knows what will happen to her children when she's rotting in a cell."

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Jensen probably is, yes. Doesn't change the fact that he feels bad for the woman.

"Chris, please."

Something must show on his face because Chris eventually nods and goes back to the man.

Jensen then goes back to the woman, takes the ID and writes down the woman's information.

"Where are your kids right now, ma'am?"

"At home; with my cousin. She's watching them while I... work."

"She know how you make a living?"

"God, no. Listen Officer, I know this looks bad, but I-I need the money. The father of my kids left and I can't, I tried to get a job, but I didn't even have the money to get my GED. I, please." She's breaking out into tears and Jensen feels the urge to hug her and tell her everything will be okay. But of course he doesn't.

Instead he scribbles the phone number of a support group on a piece of paper and hands it over.

"Mrs. Sullivan, I expect you to contact these people. They will help you to get back on your feet. It's not going to be easy and you'll have a long and rocky road to follow but this is better for your kids than what you've been doing so far."

"What?"

"Finish school, get a job. Be a good mother, a role model your kids can look up to. And I will check with the program, make sure you enrolled there and that you're doing the right thing.”

By now Chris has sent the man off on his merry way. Jensen wants to finish too, badly. He needs to get out of there and far away from hooker-talk and memories.

"Do we have an understanding, Mrs. Sullivan?"

"Yes. But I don't understand. Why are you doing this? What do you want in return?" Her eyes squint up and Jensen isn’t stupid, he knows what she’s asking.

"I might be an asshole sometimes, but not a pig.” Jensen knows too well about Dallas’ police’s bad reputation and he’s always glad to show that not all of them are rats; on the force for power and money. “Now go home to your kids. First thing in the morning you'll make good use of that phone number I gave you."

She nods at him, still confused. Maybe even shocked but there is so much gratefulness in her features that Jensen knows he's done the right thing. He takes his own wallet out and hands her a fifty dollar bill. "This should last you until you start with the program in a couple of days."

At first she doesn't take the money but Jensen cocks his head and then thrusts the money in her hand.

"Now, get out of here." He offers her a small smile to reassure her of how serious he is.

"Guess your gut's right." Chris says. "I won't even ask what this was all about."

"Good, don't. We did the right thing."

Chris nods and claps him on the shoulder while they walk back to their car.

"So, you good Samaritan, what you gonna tell dispatch?"

"That some kid got tired driving for too long; took a nap before he would drift off behind the wheel. We gave the kid a warning and that's all."

"Sounds like what I've seen with my own two eyes. Here take this," Chris gives him twenty-five dollars, "I saw how you gave her a fifty. If we're lying together we might as well split the money too."

"Thanks, Chris." Maybe he doesn’t hate Chris as much as he sometimes believes. The guy’s still a bastard for drilling Jensen for information about all the moping.

Jensen is sitting on the couch in his living room, eyes travelling over the many family pictures and again he wonders if Jay has a family, if they know where he is, if someone out there is missing him, loving him.

He goes to the kitchen and gets himself a beer from the fridge. The day sucked too much and he's acted totally unprofessional today. He couldn't help himself though and he still doesn't regret what he has done. Jensen leans against the counter at the sink and drowns half of his beer in one go. When his eyes land on the counter across from him he shakes his head, tells himself that he can’t call Jay. He's getting a hard on only by standing in his kitchen. Thoughts of the young man writhing on his cock, right here in his kitchen, invade his mind and it's making his breath hitch. Tracing the cold stone of the counter with his fingers doesn’t help him get away from his memories either.

He isn't aware of what he's doing until he's back in the living room and stares at three empty spots on the wall where he just took off three pictures of himself that would give him away. Jensen replaces them with pictures of his nephews.

A few minutes later, beer all but empty, he fumbles with his phone and moves his thumb over every contact. When his hands still at _David_ he contemplates to connecting the call, but he hasn't talked to him in three years, not since he walked in on him and some guy's face in David’s lap. David blamed Jensen's crazy schedule and shifts. Sure Jensen worked a lot, still does, and they didn't spend nearly as much time together as they should have but never in a million years did Jensen expect David to cheat on him. It broke him in places he didn't know existed and he swore he wouldn't ever hand his heart over to someone else again. The risk of getting hurt was one Jensen never wanted to take again. And yet, his heart is screaming at him to get mend.

He does what he should have done so many years ago; he deletes David's number once and for all. There is no reason to keep it because no matter how much he loved the other man, he will never get past the betrayal. David had begged for forgiveness, cried at Jensen to give them another chance and Jensen had almost caved but he let his brain decide for him and sent David away. The memory of another man giving his boyfriend pleasure is too painful and he knows that no matter the promises of fidelity, he can’t trust David anymore.

After deleting David’s number from his phone, he keeps scrolling until he reaches _Jay_. This was his destination all along. Deep down he knows the memory lane he just went down was nothing but a distraction, a reason to buy him some time and let his mind wander. But the second he opened his phone there was nobody else he wanted to call, no one but Jay.

It rings four times before Jay's sweet drawl spoils Jensen's ears and immediately Jensen feels himself relax, a smile tugging at his lips.

"Hello, Jensen." The younger man greets and Jensen is surprised that Jay must have his number programmed into his phone.

"Jay, hi. I was wondering what you're doing tonight?"

There is an amused snort on the other end of the line and then Jay asks, "you?"

Jensen can't help but laugh at that. Jay is totally straight forward and Jensen is kind of thankful for it because he's still unsure of how to ask for Jay's _services_.

"Honestly, I was hoping you'd say that." It's only half true but he's more than looking forward to have the young man around. And by that he weirdly realizes that he doesn't only mean around his dick, but _around_ around. As in having Jay near him. In his life. _Damn_.

"Your place?" Jay wants to know then and Jensen agrees only a little too eagerly. He's glad that Jay can't see Jensen's overly excited smile.

"Yeah, if that's not too much trouble."

"Not at all. When do you want me to come over?"

"Whenever. Just got home from work and it's been a crazy day. Not going anywhere tonight."

"Mmhm."

"Sorry, I know I can ramble sometimes and you probably don't even care. Just, uh, get here when you can?"

Truth is, Jared does care. But showing that he does won't do him any good. Jensen seems like a great guy; nothing like the others. Not at all. Jensen was the first to ever notice Jared, actually see him and not just a body to use. Jared hates this life, so much that he wants to hurl every time someone touches him but with Jensen it's... _different_. The older man is observant, kind and caring. They haven't really talked much yet but Jared saw all the questions Jensen didn't dare to ask, how the wheels in the other man's head kept on turning. Jared was hoping Jensen would call him again, didn't know how he managed three weeks without the man's voice, those soul-mending bright green eyes looking at him with adoration instead of pity. Or maybe that's only Jared's imagination because surely Jensen can't see anything that's mildly adoring about Jared, especially with how he makes his money. If Jared's honest with himself, he wouldn't even want to take Jensen's money, the guy is just that good and…nice.

Jensen doesn't use Jared, buying him for the time being, yes but he doesn't treat Jared like the whore he is. No, Jensen is clingy during sex, always holding on to Jared, keeping him close and never letting go, making sure that not only Jensen gets off but also taking more than good care of Jared. Well, at least that’s what having sex with Jensen, twice, was like.

It's not the first time that Jared wishes he wouldn't have offered himself up for money to Jensen. Maybe if he had been brave enough to get to know Jensen first then he could have become more than just a fuck once every few weeks. But Jared had been desperate for the money. And he still is. It's always a gamble and he never knows who's waiting for him and yet he keeps taking the risk, every day anew.

He took whatever jobs he could get; hired for far less than minimum wage only because it was all he could get under the table but someday he ended up doing what he now dreads more than anything. He is anything but proud of it but he needs the money more than his dignity. Because there won’t be much of his dignity left to protect if he doesn’t protect his own life by running as far away as possible. First he needs to save up enough cash to do just that, though. Jared can't wait for this day to come. Every dollar he makes by giving his body over to other men is securely put away and it's not even close to enough yet. But someday he'll get lucky, he knows that one day his efforts will pay off and he will get away; as far away as human transportation will allow.

Every day he prays that his family is safe and sound. Jared wishes he could contact them; they must be worried sick but reaching out to them is too much of a risk. Mark will find him if he so much as tries to call home. His family moved to California when Jared was still a baby, so there is no way Mark would suspect him in Texas of all places. Hopefully.

Jared closes one of the textbooks he allowed himself to spend money on. He always wanted to finish college, make something out of his life and everything seemed perfect until it wasn’t anymore and Mark had shown his true face. Jared couldn’t go to his classes anymore, Mark wouldn’t allow him around other people and Jared didn’t dare protest.

Jared hops under the shower; he scrubs himself clean, fast and thorough and if his heart is speeding up a little by the mere thought of seeing Jensen he tells himself it's because of the money. The money he needs to leave the country.

Forty minutes later, he knocks at Jensen's door, his nerves on edge because he knows that only looking at Jensen is enough to let his facade grumble. The other man has this effect on him, with those stupid eye crinkles and killer smile. When the door finally opens Jared puts his game face back on, acting cool as a cucumber and being the professional he doesn’t feel like he is.

Jensen is looking up at him as if Jared is the most precious thing in the world and it's driving him crazy. Jared can't for the life of him figure out why this stunning and so fucking beautiful man needs to pay a single dollar to get laid. The man could surely have a guy on each finger if he so much as takes a breath.

"Hello Jay. Come on in." Jensen ushers him inside and it's almost adorable how nervous the man is.

"Eager much?" Jared smirks, offering his dimples that he knows make women and men alike, swoon.

"Eh, nah. No, yes. I mean. Oh shut up." Jensen huffs out and his shoulders slump. And this is definitely the most adorable thing Jared has ever seen.

Jared kicks his shoes off, each shoe put neatly next to each other in a straight line and then hangs his jacket up before he follows Jensen inside. He's kind of glad that the other man wants to meet him here again. The house is comfortable, inviting and it practically screams home at him.

Together they walk into the living room and Jared hopes he's not too obvious when he takes the room in; he's curious by nature. Tons of pictures cover the walls and there are a few that catch Jared's attention, especially the few of Jensen and another man next to him. They look close, almost too close. Could be a really good friend, or boyfriend. If it's his boyfriend then Jared doesn't need to guess why Jensen doesn't drag him straight to the bedroom. Cheating on your partner is one thing, but doing so in the bed they share is another low all together. Then again, Jensen doesn't appear to be heartless enough to betray anyone, much less a person he shares a home with.

Jared turns around to find Jensen straddling the recliner seat, eyes fixated on him and Jared knows this look; hungry and wanton. With slow steps he walks over, photographs of Jensen and the other man shoved into the back of his mind and Jared comes to a stop in front of Jensen.

**~~~*~~~**

Thank God he changed the pictures because Jensen definitely wants no repeat of fucking in the kitchen. It was awesome, no doubt, but the living room is so much more comfortable. Of course his bed would be better but having Jay spread out on his bed would make it more difficult to let go.

When Jay looks down at him with those cat-like hazel eyes from behind his bangs something inside Jensen's chest tightens and there is more than just physical need drawing him in. But that's the only reason why Jay is here so Jensen acts on it. He lets his hands run from Jay's knees up to the man's thighs and hips and then he tugs at the man’s shirt, moving his palms underneath to feel warm and soft skin.

His face is so close to Jay's crotch that he can't deny the urgent need to go for it.

"Want to taste you, Jay." Jensen mumbles and doesn't wait for permission, simply opens the younger man's jeans and tugs them down along with the tight black boxers.

"You, you don't have to." Jay's voice is barely above a whisper and yet the young man's eyes tell Jensen exactly how badly he wants this to happen.

"But I want to." Jensen answers, sure and certain and he has the weird feeling that he is beaming like a loon. Who knows when someone gave a damn about Jay's needs the last time. Jensen wants to prove himself and Jay that this job doesn't need to be only a job. It's totally and completely fucked up.

Jensen takes Jay's huge cock in one hand, lapping at the crown with his tongue in earnest and when Jay's hands find leverage on Jensen's shoulders, Jensen goes for it, taking as much of Jay in as he can. The part he can't fit in between his lips he covers with his hand, stroking him in rhythm with the bopping of his head.

Pearls of pre come explode on Jensen's tongue and the taste is better than anything he has ever had. He is aware that all the needy sounds in the air are his own; Jay is, again, awfully quiet. It bothers Jensen, he wants to hear the younger man moan, he's desperate to hear that what he's doing is okay, more than okay. He wants Jay to enjoy this, to fall apart only to be able to put him back together.

Jay's hold on him tightens and almost as if Jay could listen in on his thoughts he's, losing it; a husky and deep moan assaults Jensen's ears in the most delicious way when the younger man comes, his orgasm filling Jensen's throat and he greedily swallows the evidence of Jay's climax down.

"Oh God, Jen-Jensen. Fuck." Jay is pulling at Jensen, his cock over sensitive where Jensen's tongue is still caressing the slit.

Eventually, Jensen pulls back enough to let Jay slide out of his mouth and he looks up into lust-blown eyes. The sight is almost too much for Jensen and his, until now, neglected cock is tenting immensely in his jeans.

**~~~*~~~**

Jared is so taken aback by these turn of events that he almost forgets that he's here for Jensen, and not for himself. This isn't about him, but Jensen offering to blow him and actually going through with it is a whole new level of amazing for Jared. None of his other clients ever did this to him, for him, and here he has the most stunning man in front of him, who's paying Jared to get him off but instead Jensen was persistent to give _Jared_ pleasure. _What.The.Fuck._

Jared shakes himself out of this huddle of confusion and emotions. Because the things Jensen does to him force him to let his walls down, Jensen makes him _feel_ and mentally that is almost as dangerous as Mark finding him. His insides are fighting hard against thoughts of Mark which are constantly invading his mind and he does his best to hide all the fear that’s rushing through him. Not only fear for his own life but he’s also scared of what Mark would do to everyone else who dares to touch Jared.

In a matter of seconds, he’s pulling all the walls back up and undresses Jensen in a hurry, the need to feel the other man inside of him more powerful than ever before. Jared pushes Jensen back down on the recliner, the man’s head resting against the back; offering his neck for Jared to nip and scrape, suck and lavish. He straddles Jensen’s long bowlegs and guides the other man’s hand to his entrance, letting him prep Jared long enough until he’s fully erect again. As soon as Jared has the condom rolled over Jensen’s cock, he lines himself up and sinks down. Too much, too full and yet so perfect. Jensen’s grip on his hips is bruising and Jared doesn’t mind it one bit. Not an ounce of self-control left in his body, he starts riding the older man in earnest, impaling himself on Jensen’s cock hard and deep.

“So… so amazing, so tight. God, Jay… more.” Jensen is begging him and Jared obliges without a second thought. Jared braces his hands on Jensen’s knees, back arched and head thrown back. When Jensen takes a hold of Jared’s leaking member, he’s about to lose it again. He’s not sure what to do first, which sensation to chase, he wants to push his cock fast and deeper between Jensen’s hand and at the same time he can’t get enough of the amazing feeling Jensen’s erection is causing to him. His prostate is being stimulated in the most intense way and he’s waving his brain cells bye bye because Jensen is fucking them right out of him.

“Jensen, gonna…, I’m gonna…” Jared is reduced to incoherent panting and when he looks down at Jensen there is something flickering in the man’s eyes that Jared can’t decipher, he wishes he could because nobody ever looked at him like _this_.

“Fuck, do it Jay. Feels so good. Come for me Jay.”

And that’s it for Jared, his whole body is shaking and the more his hole contracts and tightens, the deeper he pulls Jensen inside and even his toes are tingling with the pleasure that Jensen’s causing him. One, two more strokes and another aimed push against his prostate and Jared comes, shooting his come all over Jensen’s cut abs. Jensen stares at him like he just won the lottery but before Jared can begin to understand what all this means Jensen follows him over the edge.

Jared lifts his ass, carefully as to not damage the condom and pulls it off with ease, fastening it with a knot and drops in top of his clothes. “Gonna take care of it in a minute. First things first.” Jared says with a wink at Jensen and then looms over the other man, licking a long line over Jensen’s softening shaft, sucking the head back into his mouth and cleaning him thoroughly before he moves further up, licking off every drop of his own come from Jensen’s stomach. He shouldn’t do this, shouldn’t risk catching anything but for some stupid and inexplicable reason Jared believes that Jensen wouldn’t let him do this if he wasn’t clean. God, Jared is such an idiot. He knows absolutely nothing about the man and still trusts him more than he’s trusted anyone in a very long time.

Jensen’s hands are everywhere on him, caressing him, stroking his thighs, massaging the parts on Jared’s hips he was holding onto on the edge of too hard and then he’s pulling Jared down, hands around Jared’s neck and they both know what Jensen is trying to accomplish. He keeps trying to kiss Jared, but the younger man won’t let him. He can’t. Fucking the guy is messing with him more than enough but if he’d allow Jensen to kiss then it would be like opening a can of worms of immense and hurtful proportions. Who the hell would want that?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look... another chapter. Already! :) This whole having no pressure because you guys know I won't be posting a new chapter for 2 weeks... yeah, it's having a real positive effect on me. <3  
> But please be aware that even though the story is as good as finished - the (supposed to be-) last chapter is _not_ finished yet. Therefore the 2-weeks-rule is still valid.

_**...chapter four...** _

 

Whenever Jensen tells himself that he shouldn't call Jay again, or at least force his head to put some emotional distance between them, he finds himself glued to the phone, again, calling Jay, asking for him. Asking for sex. Because there isn't anything beyond sex that Jay would offer him. It totally messes with Jensen’s head.

He’s glad that he can hide it as well as he does on the job because his inner turmoil is always let lose as soon as he comes home from work. Chris still looks at him funny but Jensen ignores it, tells his friend and partner over and over again that he's fine.

Jensen isn't fine though. Not even close to being _okay_. This... business relation between him and Jay is turning more and more into a regular thing. He more often than not finds himself having Jay over for not less than twice a week.

The sex is absolutely mind blowing. Literally. It's like Jay is either sucking every brain cell out of him through his dick that Jensen can't count to three anymore, much less remember his own name or Jay is riding him into oblivion. Hell, sometimes Jay's barely kicked his shoes off and Jensen is already balls deep in the hot caverns of Jay's tight ass; fucking him from behind, skin slapping against skin. A few times it even happens that they talk, nothing at all personal, simple stuff like 'have you watched the game last night' or 'you should totally check out the new movie with this actor or this actress' and every once in a while Jensen catches a glimpse of what lies inside Jay’s head; the younger man is smart to no end, quotes philosophers Jensen has barely even heard of and whenever Jay starts to babble, Jensen can’t believe just how much knowledge is hidden behind the man’s forehead.

Reading people is what’s required of Jensen to perform on his job; figure people out before they open their mouths; only with Jay does he have problems doing exactly that. But being emotionally involved - attached to someone - isn’t leaving him much room for rational thoughts and suggestions.

Jay tells him about places he has seen, but whether he realizes that he’s saying something that gives away who the real Jay might be he covers his enthusiasm with excuses like, “Oh, you know, I’ve read that somewhere.” It doesn’t take a genius to see that Jay is hiding: something or himself. Jensen has yet to figure out the younger man’s motive. Never does Jay stay for longer than really necessary, though. And it drives Jensen crazy. He wants for Jay to stay longer, to talk. The less Jay offers about himself the more Jensen is intrigued to find out more about the man.

Jay catches Jensen staring every once in a while, making Jensen blush and he could swear that Jay is watching him too. Years of being a cop improved every one of Jensen's senses, especially seeing without actually watching. It's making him nervous when Jay looks at him like Jensen's eyes hold all the answers in the universe.

Somewhere between the minute Jensen walked into that damn club and all these weeks of having sex with Jay, he kind of fell for the guy. Hard and painful. Which is exactly why he can't stop, why he can't quit Jay. Sleep is a rarity for Jensen nowadays; he's always tossing and turning, thoughts constantly drawn to Jay. Jensen's brain is a screwed up mess of disturbing and heartbreaking questions. The idea of Jay being with other men before or after their numerous appointments is... well, it's no fun. It hurts and that alone is stupid. But who is Jensen fooling, it's not like he has done anything not-stupid in the last few months. Jensen is an idiot. No really, he broke up with David because the man cheated on him and now Jensen has fallen for a guy who sleeps with God knows how many other people. For money, on top of everything. Jensen doesn't need more proof than that to see how much of an idiot he is. It is all bound to bite him in the ass sooner or later.

More often than not, Jensen is weighing his options, trying to figure out if it would be a good idea to flat out ask Jay all the whys and ifs. Especially when they're intimate, the young man seems to let his guards down. Then those hazel eyes shine with extreme vulnerability and Jay looks all but fragile in Jensen's hold. And that's another weird fact all together. They're not only fucking anymore; they have sex, they're intimate, cherish each other's bodies and the idiot part of Jensen believes it's bordering on making love.

What would really and truly turn it into making love would be if Jay will let Jensen kiss him finally. Jensen keeps trying and he's not very subtle about it either. It's very difficult not to try and very often it seems as if Jay wants it, too. The last time they had sex on the floor, in front of the couch, Jay had ridden him slow and gentle, his hips swaying and circling torturously, drawing it out all while his pink lips assaulted Jensen's throat and chest and wherever else he could latch on and then Jensen moved his hands from Jay's cock up to the young man's neck. Jensen was holding him still and their eyes met, their breaths mingled and right there Jensen knew that Jay wanted it. Everything around them seemed to have stopped and it was Jay who leaned in, eyes flickering between Jensen's lips and eyes. But when Jensen tried to close the gap Jay turned his head away, a painful look on his face.

They still don't talk about it but Jensen isn't blind, an idiot yes but not completely clueless and it's so obvious that their business relationship has changed, drastically so. There is just no way of reaching Jay, no way of talking to him without the younger man freaking out. So Jensen stays quiet, especially about the feelings he harbors.

**~~~*~~~**

It's a lateThursday afternoon and Jensen has to start his shift in a little over four hours. If he doesn't call Jay now and have him come over he won't be able to see him again before Monday or even Tuesday and Jensen is sure he won't make it that long without seeing the young man. Only slowly does Jensen admit to himself that he doesn't call Jay only for the physical desires anymore; he cares about the man, craves his company more than his ass. Jensen is drawn to the younger man who got under his skin so blindingly fast his head is spinning.

Though, Jensen knows that he can't get Jay to talk about himself as long as they are exchanging money for sex. But it's the only reason they have to even hold any sort of contact. Jensen decides it's time for a change, never mind how pathetic he makes himself look.

So, he calls JayThursday afternoon and Jay is, as usual, sounding excited and yet surprised to hear from Jensen but shows up only half an hour later.

As soon as Jay is inside, shoes again taken off and lined up and jacket hung up, he plasters himself at Jensen. He smiles against Jay's warm skin but pushes him off gently, indicating him to take it easy.

"Why don't you go and get comfortable in the living room, huh? I'll be right there." Jensen half requests, half orders and Jay goes willingly.

Jensen takes a couple deep breaths in the kitchen and then joins Jay in the living room, a couple bottles of beer in his hands. He's not even shocked when Jay stares up at him with hungry eyes and opens his button-up shirt with skilled movements of his elegant long fingers. Of course Jensen can't help but track the action with fascination but it's not what he had in mind when he called Jay. But maybe the request of getting comfortable was taken too seriously by Jay.

He puts the beers down on the coffee table and settles on Jay's lap, smiling down into nervous flickering eyes. Jensen's fingers cover Jay's then, tracing each finger with a light caress before swatting the slightly bigger hands away. There are only three more buttons left to undo; Jensen bites his lip and ducks his head, a blush creeping over his cheeks and he reaches for the latest button Jay opened and Jensen closes it, then the next and another.

"What are you doing?"

"Making sure you ain't catching cold." Jensen replies with a chuckle.

"Actually, I'm not even close to being cold in any form or fashion. Kinda hot to be honest." Jay pushes his hips up into Jensen to prove his point and Jensen has to stifle a moan.

"That you definitely are." Jensen moves on to the last button, only a small part of too tasty collarbone visible. For a too long second his gaze shifts and he’s drawn to beautiful pink lips; licking his own he contemplates to lean in, but decides against it; too scared of the outcome and Jay’s reaction. "There, perfect." He grins stupidly at Jay and gets off of the younger man's lap; taking the seat right next to Jay and enjoying the warmth that's burning through his clothes where their thighs touch.

"Jensen? What's going on?"

"The game's about to start." With a raised eye brow Jensen cocks his head in the direction of the TV and reaches for the remote but Jay stops him mid-action.

"I know that. But Jensen, I'm not here to watch a stupid game, okay?"

"Looks like you are, though."

"Jensen, listen, I'm not trying to be rude but I don't have time to watch the game. If you're in need of company for a TV night then I'm not the right person for it. Just in case you forgot, I'm not getting paid to stare at a TV."

"Guess you are now."

"What is that supposed to mean? Man, I can't afford to sit around, okay?” Jay’s voice turns frantic and his feet are starting to tap nervously on the carpet. “We either start doing something that fattens my wallet or I'll head on out for-"

"…for someone else to fuck you for a few bucks? I… I’m sorry. Look, I know it's pathetic but I would really like to watch that game with you. I'm aware you only show up for the money that's why I'm still going to pay you. So, beer?" With the promise of a still happening payment the younger man seems to calm down.

"You're right, that is pathetic." There's no heat behind Jay's words and his eyes have this weird and confusing twinkle in them again. "What a waste of lube." Jay adds while taking the beer Jensen holds out for him.

Jensen groans inwardly and immediately regrets his decision of a no-sex-evening because the thought of Jay preparing himself, long fingers pushing in deep and good, has Jensen's dick rock hard in a second flat.

He ignores his want and shifts a little on the couch to take the pressure his jeans cause off of his dick.

Jensen is torn between lust and frust; emotions so soul-draining that he is at a complete loss for words. He hates this mix of bliss and mess and more so does he hate that he hates it. Jensen doesn't know what he wants. Well, he kind of knows what he wants but the fact that he has to pay for it -him- is bringing Jensen closer to the nuthouse than he likes.

Jay is like a drug to him; has Jensen nervous and shaking for his next fix.

Spending time with Jay, watching the game and trying to hang out without their mind in the gutter -still paying of course- isn't one of Jensen's smartest moves. At first Jay was reserved and seemed totally confused but now he’s relaxing a little, laughing at the player on the screen who missed a ridiculously easy pass and Jensen wishes he’d know if this is the real Jay or just another act to earn money.

**~~~*~~~**

Forty minutes into the game Jared's stomach announces itself with a distant rumble and he looks sheepishly at Jensen. "Sorry. It knows it's close to dinner time."

Of course he doesn't tell Jensen that it's been close to twenty hours since he's last eaten anything at all. Money is getting tight lately, especially since he's down to one client, _Jensen_ , and juggles between two different jobs that pay him under the table. Waiting tables at Jim's doesn't pay nearly enough to cover up what some of his customers used to pay him, but Jim always sits him down with a big ass meal to help him through the day before his shifts start. As soon as he’s finished at Jim’s he always hurries to get to the local theater; cleaning floors and picking up empty trays of popcorn and spilled cups of beverages. He doesn’t like either of those jobs, but neither Jim Beaver nor the owner of the theater asked for his ID and then there’s the whole issue with Jensen.

"How does pizza sound?" Jensen asks him with a megawatt smile on his gorgeous face and Jared would never say no to pizza, or Jensen. He only hopes that Jensen doesn't cut it off his payment. Huh, getting paid to watch a stupid game, that's definitely a new one and at first; Jared thought the man was joking. Obviously he wasn't.

The comment about Jared rather wanting to leave and let others fuck him was difficult to ignore, but he managed. It hurts and cuts him deep. It's what he is though, a whore and there is no doubt Jensen would ever see him as more than that, no matter what Jared's wild imagination still tries to come up with. If only Jared had any power over his own life, he would like nothing more than to tell Jensen that no, he’s not only coming back for the money. Yes, it’s his primary reason, but it’s definitely Jensen he’s always coming back for.

He really hoped though, that maybe Jensen wouldn’t be like all the other men. For Jared it has long stopped being a solely business relationship, which is why he does the best he can to still make enough money without having to sell his body. Except to Jensen of course. He can't stay away from the other man and whenever some other john touched him Jared was disgusted, more than ever before. It all of a sudden felt wrong, almost like betrayal. And wasn't that just totally fucked up? Jared doesn't even know anything about the guy and it's still unknown to Jared if Jensen's has a boyfriend or not. Kind of impossible though, considering Jared is at Jensen's house at least twice a week. But you never know.

It will definitely take Jared longer now to save up cash and the longer he stays in one place the higher the possibility of Mark or any of his men finding him. Jared isn’t sure what’s worse, Mark’s second in command dragging him back to the hell that was his life without another chance of escaping again, except in a body bag or leaving Jensen behind once he’s leaving Dallas for good. The thought of never being able to see Jensen again is hard to fathom and he can feel tears burning behind his lids. _Jensen is a customer; a client and you’re nothing but his whore, so stop being such a girl_ , Jared’s mentally psyching himself up.

Jared had tried his best to cover his tracks. The hard drive from his computer not only erased but also cooked in boiling water before putting it back into his computer; he hadn't used his credit card for any shopping, but withdrew a few dollars here and there to buy necessities for his escape. He knew Mark kept track of all traffic coming and going from the credit card he had once handed to Jared. Taking too much cash would have made the man suspicious, which is why he had to be so very careful and run with barely anything to his name. Dropping his real name was another problem all together and not manageable without connections and resources.

The way Jensen and he act around each other is almost too comfortable. Too friendly.

Too easy to get used to.

And certainly too hard to leave behind when Jared's time comes.

He doesn't know when he has to leave Dallas yet. But one thing he knows for certain: he has already been expanding his stay for longer than any other city he hid in. Soon he will have to say goodbye and never before did it weigh so heavy on him. All he has to remind himself of is that he is nothing but Jensen's distraction from boredom, job and maybe loneliness. And if not really cheap, at least an easy lay to get his rocks off.

This image of Jensen doesn't match the person Jensen really is, the person Jared is getting to know; it's only easier on Jared to get over this crush he is developing for the other man when he pretends that Jensen is just like every other guy he spread his legs for.

After the pizza and the end of the game Jared receives his payment just as promised. No cut on it for food or drinks.

Jared doesn't want to leave; the house is warm and smells of Jensen, a sure recipe for a good night's sleep and nothing compared to Jared's rented one bedroom house with a broken heater, leaking water pipes and a stove that has probably been in use since the early seventies.

Jensen sees him out with a sad look on his face that Jared can't explain. He wants it to be because Jared is leaving but it's probably because of the money Jensen is spending on a whore who he didn't even get to fuck.

A few years ago, if someone would have told Jared that he would have to sell his ass to get away from his sadistic and criminal boyfriend, he would have laughed at them.

Mark had been amazing at first; their relationship and sex-life fulfilling until Mark suggested they should spice things up a little. It all started with light bondage; Jared tied to the bed by his wrists, soon his feet were added to the game as well and the more Jared agreed to the more extravagant it became. Soft and arousing slaps to his ass cheeks turned into painful skin-breaking whips. Jared has always been open-minded and willing to try new things but it got to be too much. Small toys were soon replaced with too much and too big and a few times his skin tore so badly he needed stitches. The worst was, by far, the first time Mark had tied him to the bed and inserted a metal rod into his urethra. Jared had read about it, knew it could cause immense forms of pleasure but it was highly suggested to be trained, eased into it with gentle acts of devotion, care and sensitivity; Mark didn’t care for either and Jared thought his dick was falling off by how badly it burned when he had to take a piss even weeks later.

This was also the time Jared first realized how badly Mark had him fooled. Jared wasn’t the man’s partner or equal anymore, no, Jared was a possession; property and Mark made it more than perfectly clear that Jared was his. Leaving was on his mind ever since.

Before their relationship turned into these fucked up sex-games they even talked about their future; marriage and kids. Mark had often told him how happy it would make him if he and Jared would adopt and Jared was truly amazed at that. Thankfully, Mark’s true self showed soon after and everything started turning to shit, having a child with Mark would have trapped Jared forever.

Jared had suggested that he should wait a little while longer before they would contact an adoption agency, of course Mark had been furious and accused Jared of not loving him enough; maybe even being interested in someone else, someone younger. The next time Mark got his fingers on Jared he fucked him harder and longer, proving to Jared that nobody will ever be as good as Mark for him.

Whatever Mark did to him wasn't about love anymore, it was about control and overpowering Jared; physically and mentally. If Jared said they should slow down and take it easier Mark would up his game and tied a gag around Jared; shutting him up, using him, showing him that Mark was making the rules and he better play along. Jared played along until he realized who the man really was.

The smiling and always friendly CEO of Pellegrino LCL was only a cover-up for his true face and actual businesses. Containers labeled with exotic fruits were instead loaded with drugs, weapons and everything else that was making Mark more money than he could ever count. Jared would never have seen what was happening around him, the things Mark is capable of, if he hadn't burst into the man's office, a desk holding bags of white powder and Mark sticking his handmade pocketknife into it, then Jared would probably still be in the dark about how a shipping company could bring a man close to the millions of dollars Mark has.

The same evening, Mark told him everything, inducted him and bound him to secrecy. Jared only nodded along, blood running cold through his veins and fear clouded his mind. Mark made it clear that Jared was his and if he would catch him talking or trying to get away Jared wouldn't have time to regret it.

For a while Jared toyed with the idea of faking his own death, then vetoed against it because Mark would probably want to see his body.

So he ran the next time Mark was on one of his business trips. The _driver_ Mark had specifically hired for Jared was staying at Jared's side almost twenty-four-seven. It didn't take much to figure out that the guy was more than just a simple driver. He was hired to watch Jared, to make sure he wouldn't talk. Or run. But Jared had a plan.

Jared had dressed in three layers of clothing, he was sweating like hell but he needed at least two more outfits until he could sit down for long enough to get his head straight and a few hundred dollars in his wallet that would last him long enough to get by until he was far enough away and able to get a job to earn money.

Mark hated the idea of Jared wanting to attend a concert. Too many people, too many strangers and definitely too crowded for the _driver_ to watch Jared like a hawk. He didn't tell Jared all of this though, but Jared knew that every excuse Mark pulled out of his sleeve was nothing but that, excuses to keep Jared locked up at home.

Jared promised Mark to be extra attentive when he came back home, that he'd make it worth an agreement from Mark. Sex always worked with the man and eventually he did agree and Jared was going to attend the best concert of his life. And this had absolutely nothing to do with the band or the music. Jared couldn’t care less about the band but he had worked and planned ahead for a long time, began buying records and talked about a band he had picked out once he found out that they were playing a gig in the area soon. Mark had fallen for all of it.

The band started playing with a heavy bass and ear-splitting drums, followed by flashing lights and a crowd that was going beyond wild. Masses of people were pushing Jared and his driver, who was standing next to him like a shadow, forward further into the barrier that separated the fans from the stage.

The driver was getting more annoyed with every new wave of pushing from all the people behind them. Jared wasn't paying attention to the band; Jared calculated the timing of fan-waves and flashlights until a more forceful wave made the hawk next to him tumble and Jared grabbed the opportunity and faked being hurt; clutching to his head and tumbling. The security guards of the event saw him getting _hurt_ and rushed to him. Jared rolled his eyes back into his head and pretended to black out. Not a single second later, two big and build security guards pulled him out from behind the barrier.

Driver slash hawk was shouting at the security guys but of course they couldn't hear a word he was saying. When he tried to get over the barrier as well he was hit with the next wave of fans from behind. Jared was already being carried out through the next door.

As soon as one of the security guards turned around, Jared pushed his aching limbs up and ran like the devil was after him. Compared to the things Mark would do to him when he found out where Jared was, well, the devil was undeniably a better persona to deal with.

He still doesn't know what happened to his driver. It is possible that Mark has gotten rid of him when he heard that the man failed his job. And as much as Jared wanted to feel sorry he couldn't get past the incredible feeling of freedom when he was on a bus to Washington State. Washing cars, waiting tables and even dog sitting wasn't enough to make a living, much less to save up for leaving the country.

One thing lead to another. Roaming the streets in the late evening to find a cheaper and without-a-roof-place to stay was stupid, dangerous and definitely cold. He never really knew his way around in the cities he traveled through, he never stayed long enough to learn street names and corners. One cold night he ended up in a part of Lincoln, Wyoming that made him shiver and bolt. But a stranger had stopped him, asked how much _it_ would cost. Jared was shocked to be mistaken for a hooker but his bones were freezing and he was hungry. The guy was easy enough on the eyes and after Jared had overcome the disgust and shame of selling himself he realized that it was either going down _that road_ or being found by Mark.

Jared travelled from state to state and never stayed for longer than one month, sometimes not even two weeks. Internet cafès and coffee shops were his hideout places in the daylight; searching the internet for information about the cities he came through and soon he realized that he had fallen deep enough to not care anymore and went to gay clubs and bars to hook up for a few dollars. Dangerous doesn’t even begin to describe his actions; but even though he was crippled with revulsion, he quickly learned that this was the easiest way to fill his wallet.

It's been eleven months, almost four out of them in Texas. Three months in Dallas.

Jared has to leave Dallas. Jared has to leave Jensen. It will break him and probably his heart too but he really wants to live a few years longer and Jared definitely doesn't want Jensen to get hurt only because Jared was stupid enough to get attached.

It's three days after he and Jensen watched the game together when Jared's phone starts ringing and Jensen's number flashes across the screen.

Jared doesn't pick the phone up. He's too busy figuring out where to go next and how he can shut his brain up. His thoughts not letting go of the other man.

Jensen tries again a couple hours later and Jared ignores it just like the last time.

This game holds on for almost two weeks. Jared is still in Dallas, still working for Jim Beaver; waiting tables and manning the kitchen. He tells himself it’s because Jim keeps adding shifts to his schedule but deep down he knows his heart is forcing him to stay put.

When these two weeks are over the phone calls stop and Jared's heart along with it. Jensen has finally given up on calling and it hurts Jared more than he is willing to think about.

After his shift, he says goodbye to Jim and tells him he'll be back for the late night shift the next day. Jared doesn't plan on coming back but he can't tell Jim that much. The man took to Jared like a son and he feels guilty for disappointing Jim. If Jared had another choice he would love to stay, even if only for the grumpy drawl of Jim, but he can't quite shake the feeling of someone watching him.

He should have never stayed that long; the feeling of someone's eyes on him would soon turn out to be a cruel reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, huge thank you to my wifey and best & fastest beta, [ObsidianRomance](http://archiveofourown.org/users/obsidianromance/pseuds/obsidianromance). I love her more than naked butts, and boy do I love naked butts!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> additional art at the bottom. :)

_**...chapter five...** _

 

Jensen has spent the last two weeks like a hermit; only leaving his house to go to work and maybe pick up some groceries. And beer. Lots of it. Beer is good and next to Chris, his best friend right now.

He's mad, beyond pissed and also worried shitless. Which of these emotions is strongest he can't figure out. There isn't even reason for him to feel any of these things. He was a customer, a john and Jay has probably made enough money on Jensen to move on and onto higher and better grounds. It's stupid to believe there would have ever been more happening between them. Jensen was and still is a hopeless idiot; always falling for the wrong guys.

The cop in him is worried though, that maybe something happened to the younger man and it's screwing with Jensen so much he doesn't know how to get past the constant concern. But there is nothing he could possibly do to find Jay. He doesn't know where the man lives, what his real name is or if he's even from around this area. The carefulness of Jay; always thinking before speaking; scared of accidently saying something that would lead to the real man behind those sad eyes, it never stops bothering Jensen. Doesn't make the questions in his head stop showing up. Instead the pondering grows and doesn't seem to be willing to let Jensen go. And his heart doesn't listen to him either; it's still beating rapidly in his chest when he thinks about Jay. The ache and longing that follows these thoughts are unpleasant and so not welcome. He will have to make it through all of this, he knows that much, but it fucking hurts to let Jay go. Jensen doesn't want to let go or forget.

Turns out that forgetting is not what life has planned for him.

It's the seventeenth night after Jay left and never looked back when Jensen and Chris are on patrol through Highland Hills. It's not really one of the better parts of Dallas. The streets are empty, quiet and lifeless. But that's always to be expected when a patrol car circles this specific neighborhood. After scanning and searching for any disturbances Chris calls it a night and they head back to the station.

But shortly after Chris takes a right turn from Lyndon B. Johnson onto Greenville Avenue their dispatcher calls in through radio. "10-70 on Caladium Drive. DFD is already on scene and paramedic’s ETA in five.”

Jensen looks at Chris, Chris stares at Jensen and they silently ask each other if they should take the call or hope that one of their colleagues jumps in. It all happens in less than a few seconds and Jensen grabs the radio to inform the dispatcher with their exact location and estimated time of arrival back in the Highland Hills.

“Shit. It was totally quiet just half an hour ago.” Chris growls while hitting the gas harder and turning on the siren. They make the drive back in a little over ten minutes, usually too long but, as the dispatcher said, the Fire Department was already there and the ambulance will arrive before them as well. From a mile away Jensen can already see the smoke and how the sky’s black changes into a vivid orange.

Chris parks the car on the other side of the road, opposite of the fire and scrambles out, Jensen right behind him. One of the firefighters comes running towards them.

“What do we got?” Chris wants to know from the man covered in smudges of grime.

“A fire.” The guy answers and even though it’s a morbid thing to do Jensen can’t help but laugh at the guy’s smartass retort.

“Alright, hit me with the details.” Jensen says then, following the firefighter further to the scene were a dozen of other firefighters are still trying to get the flames under control; foam and ashes surrounding them; flying through the air and landing like dirty snowflakes on the ground. It’s a shabby old house that’s ablaze right in front of them. Jensen knows the house from only half an hour ago when they were scanning this exact road. There were barely any curtains on the windows, the roof half off and no lights on. It surely had to be uninhabited.

“Cause and source of the fire are still unknown at this point, but witnesses from across the street say the fire started at two different places at once; arson can’t be ruled out at this point. One casualty; a guy named Jared Padalecki, twenty-five, Californian ID on him. He’s got a few cuts and bruises and the paramedics are checking him over as we speak.”

“What’s a guy from California doing in a neighborhood like this? Aren’t they supposed to sprawl out at the beach in flip-flops and board shorts?” Jensen is the one speaking, leaving Chris to check on this Padalecki guy.

“No idea. When we arrived he wanted to bolt, was rambling incoherent crap I couldn’t get and we had to force an ID out of him. The guy went as far as hitting one of my fellow brothers when they held him in place and searched for his wallet. The guy was completely freaking out.”

“Got it. Okay. We gonna take care of him, get him to the station and figure out what his deal is.”

Jensen thanks the firefighter again and makes his way to the ambulance. He can see Chris talking resentfully; arms flailing and shoulders tense, with who Jensen guesses must be Padalecki.

Chris is completely riled up and furious, his voice rising with every new word. It's nothing new to Jensen that Chris gets a little frustrated when he doesn't get the answers they need. Jensen takes pity on Padalecki and steps up behind Chris, a calming hand on the smaller man's shoulder and a light squeeze to tell him that Jensen is going to take over.

Padalecki is sitting half on the bumper half in the back of the ambulance, an emergency blanket wrapped around his broad body and face hiding in his hands. Quiet sobs and pleas of "please, just let me go" come from the man and something tightens inside Jensen's chest when he hears that voice. It sounds almost familiar but his mind has been a jumbled up mess in the last weeks so he puts it all in the back of his head for his job’s sake.

"Mr. Padalecki, I'm officer Jensen Ackles. May I have a word with you?"

Immediately the sobs stop, Padalecki's whole body going stiff.

"Chris, what did the paramedics say?" Jensen turns back to his partner when there’s no answer from the man in front of them.

"As far as they can tell he doesn't have to worry about smoke poisoning. Just a few scratches but he looks like he’s in shock; doesn't talk except asking to be let go and that he didn't do anything."

Jensen thinks the words over for a few short moments, worries his bottom lip between his teeth and nods at Chris in acknowledgement.

"Sir, is there anyone we should contact for you?" Jensen approaches the man again; taking a careful step closer. The man doesn't appear to only be in shock, he seems frightened like a lost puppy.

The only answer Jensen receives is a shaking head.

"Okay, listen. My partner and I will have to take you in for questioning. But I'd rather get it over with right here. Can you tell us what happened?"

Another shake of the man's head and then he finally removes his big hands from his face and looks up at Jensen.

Jensen's eyes go wide. In shock, surprise, a little bit of relief an even some anger.

"Jay?!" It's more a screech than a question but Jesus Christ this is Jay. His Jay. His prostitute. Oh shit.

"What? You know the guy?" Chris' surprised tone shatters Jensen's shock.

All of a sudden Jensen starts moving and completely ignores his partner. He crouches down in front of Jay, both hands on the younger man's knees and he feels relief washing over him when Jay doesn't pull back. Hazel eyes follow Jensen's movement and then their eyes lock for half an eternity before Jensen finds himself chasing the tears on Jay's face with his hands.

"Hey. Are you alright? Jay, come on man, talk to me." Jensen's hands roam frantically over Jay's beautiful face and he looks the young man over, wanting to see for himself that Jay isn't hurt. The younger man’s whole body is covered in filth; remnants of the ashes raining down from the sky.

"Jensen? Who is this?"

Jensen reluctantly turns to face Chris again. What is he supposed to say to that? He can't just tell his partner and friend the truth.

"He's... my, uh, he's a friend."

"A friend? A _friend_ friend?"

"Chris! Seriously, shut up. Jay... Jared is a friend of mine. I've known him for a few months."

"How come you never mentioned him then?"

"Let it go, okay?"

Jensen doesn't wait for Chris to be all protective best friend again and instead focuses back on Jay who still doesn't say a single word.

"Jay, is this your house?"

No words leave the man's lips, only another shake of his floppy hair.

"But you live here?"

No answer at all, no nod or shake of the man’s head and Jensen is lost for words and nothing makes sense anymore.

"Well, how about we get you cleaned up and if you're ready we can talk. If you want to that is."

"Do you have a place to stay?"

"Chris, call the Chief and let him know what's going on. I'm gonna take Jay back to my place."

"Are you insane? Morgan's gonna have our balls if we don't take the guy in. He is a suspect after all."

"You are out of your damn mind, Chris. Jay is not a suspect. You heard him. He didn't do this."

"Sure, of course not. Because they always tell the truth and all the guys we busted in the past are innocent."

Jensen has had enough and gets up, right in Chris' personal space. "Jay did not do this, are we clear? He's going home with me and if he starts talking I'll call you."

"You've got to be kidding me!"

"No, I'm really not."

With that, Jensen steps away from Chris and sits down next to Jay. The younger man's whole body is still shaking and Jensen does what he hopes won't freak the guy out; he pulls him against his side and holds on tight, speaking soothingly into Jay's neck.

"I need to get you cleared by the paramedics. Promise not to disappear on me again?"

No answer.

"I take that as a yes. I'll be right back."

Jensen places a chaste kiss on Jay's temple and goes to find the medics.

As soon as he finds them, Chris is right there with him again.

"Spill it. You just kissed him."

"It was a peck, so what?"

"Ah, he's that kind of a friend then."

"I like the guy, okay? And I'm going to make sure he's alright."

"Whatever. But if it turns out that he is involved in this I'm not going to save your ass when Morgan is taking your badge."

"I will say this one last time: Jay has nothing to do with the fire. The guy couldn’t hurt a fly, much less set a damn house on fire."

Truth is, Jensen doesn't know for sure why Jay is here or if maybe he has something to do with it. But something tells him that the younger man isn't capable of doing anything like this. His eyes are too honest, his smile too deep and his whole attitude in these last months speaks for itself. The man is in fear. Of something or someone.

After the paramedic gives Jensen the all clear for Jay he trots back to the younger man, who didn't move an inch.

Jay's eyes look haunted and distressed and he still stares at Jensen in a mix of confusion and question. The younger man is probably still trying to process the fact that Jensen is a cop and might be, in an arresting-kind-of-way, dangerous to him.

But Jay isn't stupid, he always seemed well-mannered and educated; he should be able to add one and one together and realize that the last thing Jensen ever wanted was to bust his ass for prostitution.

"Paramedic says you're good to go."

"You're a cop." It's a statement, not a question.

"I am."

"I, I didn’t do this.” New tears start running down Jay’s cheeks and Jensen wants nothing more than to comfort him any way he can; any way he is allowed to. “There is… I can’t. I have to get out of here. Now.”

“It’s okay, Jay. I’ll call us a cab.”

“No!” All of a sudden Jay jumps up from his spot and frantically whips his head in all directions; legs slightly shaking, but the young man tries to brush past Jensen nonetheless.

“Whoa there, easy.” Jensen stops him, holding him by the wrists to keep him from running off. “Where are you going?”

“Away! Let me go.”

“No way. You’re in no condition to go anywhere, especially on your own.”

“You don’t fucking understand, Jensen. I need to leave.”

There is an unexplainable tension in the air; most of it caused by Jay and every word from the younger man makes Jensen's inner alarms go wild. The impulsive need to get away has obviously nothing to do with the whole prostitution issue; it's definitely something more, something more pressing and Jensen feels confirmed in his assumption. Jay is running from _someone_.

If this fire is in any way linked to Jay then Jensen can only pray that he is capable of protecting him. The idea of the younger man getting hurt doesn't settle easy on Jensen; his stomach is one big knot of discomfort. He has to keep an eye on Jared, wouldn't for the life of him leave the young man out of sight. Not until he has gotten some answers on what kind of shit Jay is involved in. He realizes fast that his thoughts have little to do with being an officer of the law and his duty to set the world right. It’s something deeper and more concerning than Jensen is able to voice just yet. The nervous flutter of his heart proves this theory to be true.

"Either you come with me," Jensen says calmly, "or they’re gonna admit you to a hospital. They insist on you needing some watching over." It's total bullshit because the paramedic said that Jay was good to go. But Jay doesn't know that and if Jensen has to white lie his way into talking the other man into coming with him, oh well, there's still the temporary insanity card he can play if need be. And if all else fails, Jensen will blame Jay for blowing all the damn fuses in his usually so correct and legal-leading brain.

Again, consequences be damned. He can't and won't let anything happen to Jay.

"Okay." It's sloth-slow and mouse-quiet but it's an agreement on Jay's end and therefore good enough for Jensen.

The cab Jensen calls for shows up only moments later and after a twenty minute ride into a better part of the city they are finally in front of Jensen's house.

Once inside, Jensen makes sure all the doors are locked and windows closed before he hands a towel and fresh clothes to Jay and ushers him to the downstairs bathroom. The younger man is still completely at sixes and sevens and entirely exhausted.

"Come on, big guy. Take a shower and then I'll have some coffeeready for you. Okay?"

Jay doesn't look at him, only nods his answer.

Jensen is still in the bathroom with him and he should definitely leave before there is any undressing happening or else he might jump the guy.

"Uh, Jay, uhm, when you're done make sure to hand me your clothes so I can throw 'em in the laundry. I gotta get out of this uniform myself, so I’ll be in the kitchen in a few, alright?"

No answer and they're back to not talking at all.

Jensen keeps to his promise and brews a fresh pot of coffee for them. He turns when Jay enters the kitchen and some sort of massive rock, or it might even be the whole damn Grand Canyon, is stuck in Jensen's throat when his eyes land on his own shirt covering all that muscle making up Jay's massive chest. The shirt is too tight, sweat pants slightly too short but God fucking damn it, this guy should be illegal. Sin personified. Jensen willingly takes his place as the world’s greatest sinner and accepts his free entry ticket straight to Hell. No exchanges.

Jensen stutters his way through offering a cup of brown brew and the effort of keeping his eyes away from Jay is beginning to hurt. Not only his neck, from constantly turning away, is getting stiff. Oh yeah, Jensen is definitely all kinds of sexually frustrated.

They finish their coffee in silence; Jay avoiding Jensen as best he can without being offensive and Jensen isn't blind, he knows exactly how weird of a situation this is. But then again, he's still convinced that there has been more than just sex between them. Maybe it really was turning into something like a friendship, even if it happened on illegal grounds, but perhaps they could continue where they left off. With or without the satisfying benefits. And then it occurs to Jensen that he actually means it - the without sex part of his thoughts. Yes, he is overly attracted in all possible ways to Jay, physically, sexually but more so, mentally and intellectually. Having Jay as a friend and keeping him safe has Jensen's belly flip and flutter and his heart in a fast race. Shit, so much more than just sex.

"So, your name, it's Jared?" Jensen knows the younger man is dead tired but he can't help himself, wants to know things; needs answers. Without getting Jay to talk he isn't really sure how to protect him or from who.

A curt nod is all the answer Jensen receives. He's slowly getting used to this one-man conversation.

"Would you rather have me calling you Jared then?"

Jay's head snaps up and in his eyes Jensen can see the same question and answer Jensen has swimming in his own head. _Jay_ is the prostitute and _Jared_ is... Jensen doesn't really know who Jared is.

"No, I mean, it's okay. They’re both fine by me."

"You sure about that?"

"Only you call me Jay." Ducking his head and trying to hide the blush, Jay plays with the handle of the coffee cup to distract himself.

"Why's that?"

"The others," Jay, _Jared_ , stumbles over the words and his mouth twitches in discomfort, "they called me anything I could think of; James, Jeremy, Justin. It didn't matter as long as it wasn't Jay or Jared."

Jensen notices the way Jared speaks in past tense about his other johns right away, but doesn't let his hopes up. Not too much at least because the fall could end up in a really badly bruised heart. And this specific organ is really damn delicate once scratched the wrong way.

"Totally off the record and only between you and me," Jensen makes a peace sign with his fingers as to show Jared he's promising to stick to his words, "what were you doing back there at that house?"

"Off the record?" Jared digs his teeth deep into his pretty pink bottom lip and Jensen's power not to follow the movement has left the planet, instead he confirms Jared's question with a nod.

"Been crashing there for a couple of months now. I got lost when I came to Dallas and ended up there on Caladium. Saw the _For Sale_ sign and a day later I called the owner asking if I could rent it instead."

"So you _do_ live there? What's with all your stuff? Should we call the FD and see if there's anything left to get out?"

"Not much to really worry about."

Jared doesn't tell Jensen that all his belongings fit in the backpack he had strapped to his shoulders when he ran out of the house before the flames could cage him in.

"Jared, without overstepping my boundaries, who are you running from? This fire, the firefighter I was talking to mentioned two sources of it; they have witnesses and it's obvious that this was anything but arson."

"It wasn't an accident." For some reason Jared feels the need to let it out and open up to the cop in front of him. If Jensen really was going to bust him he could have done so weeks ago. Despite wondering why Jensen even cares about him at all, Jared feels like there is some type of trust building between him and Jensen.

But what if he tells him everything? If Jensen gets hurt because of him he couldn’t possibly live with this kind of guilt.

"You don't have to tell me, but I really want to help you. I'm just not sure how to do that if I don't have a clue where to start or what to look out for. Or who."

The sincerity in Jensen's words hits Jared deep and maybe Jensen _can_ help him. But Mark has connections in all the right places, the fire just proved that to be true and it wouldn't surprise Jared if Mark found him through some even higher connections in Dallas.

"Mark Pellegrino."

Jensen licks his lips; brows knitted in confusion. "I have no idea who that is."

"Lucky you." Jared snorts in sarcasm. "He is my, _was_ my, boyfriend. Mark probably didn't light that house up himself but one of his men did."

"And you know that how?" There is no doubt in Jensen's tone, but a whole lot of concern.

"Because when I came back to the house I was totally beat from work," Jensen swallows hard at those words because Jared talking about his _work_ and being exhausted because some faceless dick touched him is making the bile in Jensen's throat rise. "…at Jim's Grill. I wait tables and tend the kitchen there." Jared continues and another silencing Canyon leaves Jensen’s throat and lets him breathe again.

"Anyway. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and at first I didn't see it but when I closed the fridge there was a note stuck to it."

"What' it say?"

Jared rubs a hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose and exhales heavily. His lungs are still burning from all the smoke he inhaled and breathing hard out of nervousness hurts like hell and Jensen looking at him like _that_ , all worried and determined to help, doesn't support Jared at all in his original plan of keeping the man in the dark. And then there’s this whole issue of how dangerous it actually is to not tell the cop what an imminent risk they are facing.

" _Choosing to desert is akin to playing with fire. Touching who is not worthy shall be punished by branding their hands_ _. The one who takes_ _a heart that was once lit shall have their own heart buried in ashes."_

"That's some fucked up shit, Jay. What exactly does it all mean?"

"It means he found me; all my running was for nothing. Jensen, you don’t understand. He is here in Dallas and he figured out where I was hiding. He will find me again and the other part of his note…” Jared takes a second to brace himself, to gather his thoughts and figure out a way of spilling the truth without breaking apart.

“Jay, what is it?”

“He obviously knows what I’ve been doing to get by and if he figured that much then he knows about you, too. If he doesn’t yet he will find a way to get names and hunt you down. Sooner or later. He always gets what he wants. And it looks like he’s out for revenge. I’m sure the fire was nothing but a warning for me because he doesn’t end things that easily and never that fast. Mark takes his time when he ends something, or _someone_. Mark believes that I’m _his_ ; his possession. People who stole from him have never been seen again.”

“Jesus Christ. Jared, this guy’s a psychopath.”

‘Yeah, sparky. Tell me something I don’t know. Why the hell do you think I was trying to get away in the first place? Jensen, I can’t possibly stay here. It’s just a matter of time before he shows up again and I’m not going to let you get hurt because of me.”

“Whoa, no. Now wait a second there. You’re not leaving this house. Not alone, not to run, not to do whatever. You just said so yourself. The guy will show up again. So? Let him show up.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?”

“I get that a lot lately. But believe me, I know what I’m doing. He wants to take me down because I’ve slept with you? Let him try.” An idea pops into Jensen’s head and there’s just one thing he has to do before he can set his plan in motion. “I’ll have to call Chris.”

“No you won’t. Jensen, the more people involved in this the more will get hurt or worse.”

“Well, I hate to break it to you, but obviously your boyfriend doesn’t play fair and definitely not alone. I kind of really need backup for this and I trust Chris with my life. But first things first, tell me everything you know about what kind of shit shop the guy is running.”

And Jared does. He is tired to his bones, his body aching from fear and exposing his life and soul to Jensen and he didn’t even tell him half of the whole truth yet. Every word leaving his lips feels like an unburdening though; the relief of speaking about it all drains him and yet he has never been more determined to put an end to everything. He’s tired of running and today showed him just how helpless he really is; that there is no getting away from Mark.

Jared tells Jensen everything; from the drug deals and the weapons to the possible murders that might have taken place and when he reaches the deep end of his tale of woe he ignores the hurt look on Jensen’s eyes when Jared goes on about Mark’s sexual preferences and how he used Jared for his fucked up fantasies. Jensen keeps interrupting his story, wants to know names involved and everything Jared knows about Mark’s victims, he asks for dates of specific events, especially when drug deals took place. Jensen writes everything down; makes notes of all the details and Jared finds himself surprised that he doesn’t mind.

“How did you get involved with him anyway?”

“My dad, Gerald Padalecki, works for his company. Pellegrino LCL, officially they deal with shipping and logistics for exotic fruits from Brazil to Japan but I don’t think any fruit was ever loaded into all these containers. Anyway, my dad’s working in one of his warehouses, wrapping up closed cargo and loading it into these huge containers; getting them ready to be send off. His car broke down one morning and I ended up driving him to work and picking him back up again. Mark was talking business with the captain of one of his ships when he spotted me. One thing led to another and the next thing I knew I agreed to go out on a date with him.”

"Jensen..." Jared's eyes turn pleading, his throat raspy, "this is all my fault and I should have known better but the only thing on my mind was--"

"Getting away." Jensen finishes for him. It's sheltering and fills Jared's heart with a warmth he isn't used to anymore. "None of this is your fault, alright? You aren't to blame for what this guy is doing."

"But if I wouldn't have run..." Jared tries with all he has but fails miserably to stop tears running from his eyes. All these months of hiding, running, selling his body to countless men who used him just like the man who he is running from had done and now the danger is so close he can smell it. Ironic, since the smoke of the fire still lingers in his nostrils, not even the shower helped get rid of it. Now he has to worry about Jensen's safety as well, only because he wasn't strong enough to leave when he realized he was getting attached. It all takes its toll on him and he's reduced to weak sobs.

"Then he would still hurt you. You've done the right thing. Leaving was the best you could have possibly done, don't put that guy's faults on you, Jay."

"What if he hurts you? I, Jensen... I-I, no, I don't want him to h-hurt you."

"Let's not worry about me for now, shall we? How about you go get some rest and I'll call my partner and let him in on what's going on."

Jensen is right about one thing though; Jared really needs to catch a few minutes of sleep but it's highly questionable if it'll come to him. He isn't sure what exactly Jensen has in mind and what he could possibly do to stop Mark from going after Jared but it's obvious that no matter what he says the cop will stand his grounds and Jared can cajole all he wants, Jensen seems driven to protect Jared and make sure Mark isn't getting anywhere near him.

And that's probably just one more reason to fall for the cop, among so many other of Jensen's characteristics that made Jared a love sick puppy right from the start.

It's difficult but he'll have to trust Jensen on this, whatever _this_ is.

"Yeah, I could really use some unconsciousness." Jared takes his empty cup and brings it to the sink, rinsing it before he puts it in the dishwasher; not even aware of acting like he's in his own home, as if he actually had a home anymore. But years of providing an overly tidy house for Mark is drilled into his brain.

Everything needed to be spotless, shoes taken off in the foyer and jackets always hung up in an even line on the coat rack. Of course Mark has tons of staff to clean and scrub and order his shirts by color but Jared learned early on in their relationship that it was a no-go to leave an empty glass in the sink, a magazine on the coffee table or God forbid the hamper filled up to more than a quarter. In hindsight, Jared should have sensed that something was off the first time he heard Mark going berserk on the gardener for cutting off an inch too much off the hedge.

Jared shoves his tired feet one in front of the other until he's so close to the couch all he has to do is fall forward and he could maybe close his eyes for a while. He loves this couch; it's huge and comfortable. And holds some very wicked, filthy and sexy memories. Yeah, Jared definitely will be able to sleep on that thing. He might be popping a boner simply thinking about all the things Jensen has done to him on this lovely piece of wood and fabric, but he doubts that Jensen would actually mind Jared going hard. Wouldn’t be the first time either, that’s for sure. So far Jensen never complained about this part of Jared’s anatomy.

"What are you doing?" Jensen asks confused as all hell and shakes his head at Jared.

"Going to sleep and I'm going to crash on your couch since you insist on me not going anywhere." Jared shrugs one shoulder, because really? Jensen wants him to rest so what's wrong now.

"Sorry sasquatch, but you won't get any rest on that couch. I'll sleep on there and you go get comfortable in the bedroom. Now shoo. Go." Jensen all but pushes him away from the couch and Jared can only stare dumbfounded at him. The look on Jensen's face tells him that there's no room for arguments though. But there's a whole new problem now...

"What are you waiting for, Jay?"

"Well, I've got no idea which room is the bedroom. Never been further than the living room and kitchen."

They share an awkward glare and Jared shuffles his six foot four frame of nerves on the carpeted floor until Jensen catches on. "Oh. Right, _right_. It's upstairs, second door on the left. There's another bathroom in there, too. If you need anything just come get me, okay?"

"Got it. Thank you, Jensen."

"Don't mention it."

With one last look over his shoulder Jared makes his way upstairs, grabs his backpack from the hallway before he does so. Being offered the bedroom has a massive effect on Jared's heart, because it proves that Jensen does live alone in this house. The whole time Jared wondered if Jensen and Chris were not only partners on the job but also, well, partners in bed as well. The picture of the two of them Jared had seen all these weeks ago never leaving his thoughts. But he never really believed that Jensen is capable of cheating. The man is just too good of a soul to break someone's heart. Doesn't matter that Jared's heart is kind of breaking though, because whatever happened between them throughout all these months it seems almost forgotten on Jensen's end; instead the cop is trying to be a friend.

Either way, it's good to be with Jensen and if everything turns out alright and Jared won't have to worry about Mark anymore, then maybe he and Jensen will have a chance of becoming real friends. It's all Jared can hope for. The cravings of his heart he has to shut out.

When he opens the door to Jensen's bedroom he is hit with a feeling of invasion. He shouldn't be here, in this house. He shouldn't invade Jensen's life like this. If the cop just wouldn't be so persistent. And the ugly truth is that Jared doesn't have anywhere else to go.

The room isn't exactly big; most of its space is taken by the huge king size bed. If it really is as comfortable as it looks, Jared might be able to sleep for days. He makes his way to the en-suit bathroom and rummages through his backpack to find his toothbrush but comes up empty handed. All his toiletries are still at the house; well, they are probably burned to the ground.

Digging through Jensen's cabinets is out of the question so he quietly walks back out and from the top of the stairs he can hear Jensen talking to someone over the phone. Probably Chris, if the words 'Mark Pellegrino', 'definitely arson' and 'need your help' are anything to go by.

Jared doesn't want to listen to any of it so he tunes the conversation out and waits until Jensen is finished with the phone call before he goes back downstairs.

"Jensen?"

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"N-Nothing. I was just, uh, do you maybe have a spare toothbrush? My stuff was at the house and... yeah, I didn't wanna go through your drawers."

"Oh. Well I'm not sure actually. Let's go and find out."

Jensen smiles broadly at him and the crinkles around the cop's eyes make Jared want to melt into a puddle of goo.

Once back in the upstairs bathroom Jensen opens drawer after drawer and searches every little corner of the cabinets but nothing.

"Sorry. Guess I can't offer you a new toothbrush. I don’t have guests over that often. But you can just use mine for now. We'll get you a new one tomorrow."

"Yours?"

"Jay, if I remember correctly, you've had every possible inch of my body on and in your mouth. A toothbrush shouldn't freak you out."

Jared is speechless and can only gape at the older man. It's true but not very helpful to be reminded of what they've done; of what they’ve _had_... of how much Jared misses Jensen's body pressed against his own, sweet loving touches of freckled skin and adoring caresses.

Jensen holds the toothbrush out for him and taps his foot on the white tiles impatiently until Jared huffs out a groan and takes it out of Jensen's hand.

"Brush your teeth." Jensen points to the toothbrush and crosses his arms over his chest, waiting for Jared to start.

"You wanna stay here and watch how I brush my teeth?"

"Yep. Gotta take care of my pie-biters too, so get started."

“Pie-biters? Seriously?” Jared chuckles.

“Guess I’ve been spending too much time with my nephews.”

And Jensen honest to God, waits. Jared throws him a look of wonderment and all Jensen does is smile at him; eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. If it only takes brushing his teeth to make the man happy like that Jared has to really find an excuse to brush them all day, every day. If he has any days left to live that is. He doesn’t doubt for a second that Mark is out there, watching and waiting to strike.

Jared wipes his mouth and splashes some more water in his face then leaves the bathroom to give the other man some privacy. If Jared’s honest, it feels a hell of a lot domestic and forgetting all the fear for a few minutes he allows himself to enjoy the time he has with Jensen.

When Jensen comes back out of the bathroom; Jared is sitting on the edge of the bed like an intruder, he can see the cop's Adam's apple bop and there is a flicker of hunger in Jensen's eyes. It's pleasant and torture at the same time because Jared has no idea what Jensen really thinks of him. Is he the whore that needs a roof over his head or a friend in desperate need of help? He wants so badly for Jensen to want him, for the right reasons and not just as a convenient opportunity to get his rocks off.

He's so terribly screwed and his heart is shattering with all the emotions he's too afraid to let free. He's like a trapped ordinary bird with a broken wing; Jensen representing the freedom and hope he wants to fly towards to, but his hurt wing a constant reminder of what he is; damaged goods. Nobody ever won a bird's eye view with a mediocre flapping and broken wing. There is nothing he could possibly offer to Jensen; all he has are a few dollars to his name and a psychopath ex-boyfriend who probably wants both of them dead. Yeah, Jared's definitely not worthy of the other man. It's just so unfair how perfect Jensen is.

"You look like you’re a thousand miles away." Jensen speaks up in a whisper and sits down next to Jared; the heat of the cop's body immediately burning into his skin through their mere clothing. It's soothing and painful and all Jared wants is to lean in and search for more contact, more comfort.

"Just thinking. Sorry."

"It's okay. _You_ will be okay and I promise he won't get a chance to hurt you. I won't let him."

"You don't know him, Jensen."

"No, but I know myself. I care about you, Jay and if he attempts coming near you he'll have to get through me first."

Jared swallows, hard. This is more than he deserves, more than he could ever hope for and Jensen cares about him? This is either yet another broken wing or the band aid towards healing.

"Alright, sleep now.Tomorrowis a new day and Chris will show up around noon to talk it all over. You might have to tell him all the things you've told me already. But he's a good guy and if you trust my judgment, then you'll see, he's going to help you; _us_."

Jared doesn't dare looking at the beautiful man next to him; the words, the room and the quiet too intimate and it's difficult for Jared to control the need that's creeping up under his skin. What he can't control, yet again, is a tear slipping from his eyes.

Jensen feels lost and helpless. He isn't scared, not really, even after everything he learned about the threat that's looming over them. He has dealt with worse on his job and yet another crazy person out there he has to stop isn't going to turn him into a scared little kitten. Jared though, is vulnerable and so obviously not dealing very well with the day's events and what might happen.

When he watches Jared next to him, trying to hide his fear and another burst of emotion in form of a tear, he does his best to comfort the younger man and wraps an arm around Jared's shoulder; pulling him closer against his body and tells him over and over again that he'll watch out for him. He will keep this promise and if he dies trying then so be it. Jensen cares too much about the man to abandon and leave him to his fate.

"D-don't leave." Jared sobs into Jensen's shirt, pressing his face further into Jensen's chest.

"Jay... I don't think that's such a great idea." Because it really isn't. Sharing a bed with the young man is everything Jensen wants and everything he's afraid of. He won't be able to keep his hands to himself, won't be willing to let go and it would most certainly border on taking advantage considering their current situation.

"Please."

And before Jensen could possibly protest some more and come up with excuses, Jared is on him, his beautiful face still hidden deep inside Jensen’s neck and long, muscled legs straddle him. “Jared.” It’s a moan, permission and a refusal at the same time. This is a whole new level of helplessness for Jensen. How is he suppose to say no with Jared sitting so close to his cock, when sweet wet lips suckle on his jaw and, _fuck_.

“So good. J-Jen, you’re so good to me. Need you. D-Don’t push me away.” Jared rolls his hips over his lap, brushing their cloth-clad and growing cocks together and all Jensen can reply is, “never”. But it’s beyond him exactly what they are doing. He knows where this is leading, that’s for sure but is it an act of ‘thank you’ or business again or is it because that’s what Jared really wants? Jensen has no freaking clue. All he cares about is having Jared with him, on him and by him, around him, wants to see and feel for himself that the younger man is okay; alive and breathing.

Their hands clutch at each other, holding on and dragging and pulling at their clothing, ripping them off and away in a hurry that speaks for raw and primal need.

“S-Stuff… Jen.” Jared stutters with a broken voice and damn it, the drawer seems too far away but it’s not like they have much of a choice so Jensen scrambles away and pushes himself off to get the lube and condoms from his bedside table and before he’s even half way back into his previous position Jared is on top of him again; attacking his neck and jaw; hands holding onto Jensen’s hair, holding him still and in place for the younger man’s assault.

Then everything changes, the room is filled with quiet tension when Jared locks eyes with him. “Did you mean it?”

Jensen keeps on staring, blinking once, twice, not an idea of what the younger man is talking about. “Huh?”

“That you care about me, did you mean it?” Jared sounds forlorn and hopeful all together.

Oh. _That_. “Y-Yeah. I do, I care about you. A whole lot.” His voice feels constricted because his heart is all in those few words and he’s kind of afraid that Jared can see right through him, that the younger man can read it in his tone and facial features that he more than just cares about him. He loves him. He’s completely in love with Jared; has been for a long time. And it leaves him gut-wrenchingly nervous that Jared might figure this part of him out without Jensen actually voicing it aloud. They are in no position and situation to even remotely consider such profound thoughts.

And then something happens that Jensen was silently begging for since they first met and something he never stopped hoping for to happen. Jared slants his warm lips over Jensen’s, a slow and gentle brush at first that takes Jensen by such a surprise that his heart is fluttering madly in his chest; bumping around in his ribcage and then he kisses back, with more force and if he loses himself in it then nobody can blame him. He wanted this for too long to let it end just yet; to not give his everything and put all his feelings into this kiss.

Jared’s lips are exactly as soft and gorgeous on his as he imagined them to be, it’s wet and sloppy and then perfect, pure heaven. If Jensen ever thought kissing someone is an act of devotion and nothing but foreplay until you get to the real and good stuff, then he has to correct himself. Kissing Jared is by far better than anything he’s every experienced in his life and when Jared sweeps his tongue between Jensen’s hungry lips he’s so short of coming undone his brain refuses to connect with him any longer. There is nothing but Jared, fucking his tongue into his mouth, mapping and testing; tasting each other and Jensen would probably die if he never got a chance to kiss the younger man again.

Their breaths turn into one, their bodies melting and morphing, hands everywhere at once and tongues never letting go of the other man’s. Somehow, though, Jensen manages to pop the cap of the bottle of lube and as soon as his fingers are covered good and well enough he searches for Jared’s puckered hole, pushing his index finger between the crack and pressing against the tiny hole carefully. Jared almost jumps off of his lap; too lost in the kissing that he didn’t notice how Jensen upped their make-out.

Jared can’t stop nibbling and sucking on Jensen’s lush lips, rocking his ass up and down until Jensen’s finger pushes in inch by inch. His knees digging painfully into the mattress, the position they are in isn’t that comfortable but he doesn’t dare let go, can’t keep his hands off of Jensen; can’t even fathom the idea of moving his mouth from Jensen’s. He should have done that so many weeks ago, should have went for the kiss he always wanted. Never in a million years did he believe it could be this amazing to kiss the older man and he isn’t even embarrassed to fall apart like he does now. Jensen is everything he ever wanted in a man, everything he never got and throws these exact emotions into their kiss.

Soon Jensen begins to penetrate him with a second finger, scissoring him and pushing a third inside right after; assaulting and torturing his prostate in the sweetest way possible; long excruciating and wonderful and absolutely amazing minutes pass by, his body thrumming and mind whirling, sensory overload making him unable to think past the overwhelming desire of more and _now_. Every push of Jensen’s fingers inside Jared’s ass rip a moan from Jared, a sound torn from deep within his chest. The stimulation of their trapped cocks between their bellies almost enough for Jared to come just like this, rubbing and rutting against Jensen without any shame and Jensen seems to be as far gone as he is; pulling his fingers hastily from Jared’s slick hole to cover his dick with the condom.

With gentle touches, Jensen lifts the younger man up, just so, not too far, the risk of losing the contact their lips are still holding is a risk Jensen isn’t willing to take. Not after waiting so long for this. God, he never thought he’d be obsessed with kissing, but with Jared everything is different. Kissing had been a no-go and therefore all Jensen could think of and now that he has it, now that he’s allowed to cherish and suck on those lips he will hold on, only letting go long enough to offer some oxygen to his burning lungs.

With a fast shift, Jared sinks down, impaling himself on Jensen’s cock, dragging a strangled groan from both of them.

“Christ!” Jensen cries out, his dick completely engulfed in the wet and hot caverns of Jared’s tight ass.

“S-Sorry… Sorry.” Jared is panting against Jensen’s lips but still rocking his hips in a pace that makes them both dizzy.

“No. No, baby. Keep, oh God, you feel so amazing. Keep going.” Jensen grabs for Jared’s head; cradling his hair with both hands, keeping him in place to fuck his tongue inside that pretty little mouth while Jared’s hips twist up and down; harder and faster and seemingly trying to get Jensen even deeper inside of him.

“Not gonna… Jen, Jensen I’m not gonna last. God, please.” Jared is either dying or flying, but whatever Jensen is doing to him it’s working like magic. Sure the shower earlier had helped him to get some of the tension out of his bones but now, every lingering touch, every little moan he’s pulling from Jensen’s lungs and those bow-shaped lips trailing over Jared’s body, all of it is easing down all residual soreness.

While Jensen had his eyes mostly closed; dwelling in the satisfying bliss of kissing Jared, he now can’t take his eyes off of Jared, couldn’t close his eyes if his life was depending on it. Mouth shaped in an ‘O’, breath erratic and suddenly the air around them seems too thin. Jensen pushes up; increasing the twist and curl of his pelvis and his eyes focus on Jared’s ever changing hazel orbs.

Jared can’t, won’t hold on any longer. There is this incredible sharp sweet pain building from down to his toes up towards his spine, taking and grasping at every single nerve under his skin and lava-like heat forms in his stomach. He’s chasing it, knows it’s there, so close, so fucking close and he needs. God he needs just one tiny little touch, a single pull and drag, something, any kind of friction on his leaking and swollen hard flesh to jump over this imminent edge. Jared crashes his lips against Jensen’s again, teeth clashing and nose bumping. Everything is out of control but Jared doesn’t even have enough brain power left to care that he might bite a little too rough, or that his short nails drag painfully deep over Jensen’s broad back.

He shifts his hips on Jensen’s lap forward, just so, pressing his aching cock against the cop’s abs and one, two more sways of his hips and he’s coming. Long and warm stripes of come coating their heated skin. Sweat mixing with his orgasm, his fingers bruising the older man’s shoulders, lips taking Jensen’s hostage and his whole body is shaking, heart leaping in his chest and the penetration inside of him keeps on going; Jensen fucks up into him even faster now, fucking Jared through it and only a few thrusts later Jared can feel the familiar hot wave of climax filling the condom against his inner walls. Jensen’s teeth digging into Jared’s bottom lip, biting, tugging and taking each other in as if this is the first time they’re tangled up like this.

Long moments pass until they land in a heap of protesting groaning limbs on the bed; Jensen’s back hitting the mattress with a thud, pulling Jared with him, mouths fused together again and all that’s left is a lot of heavy breathing and the wicked gleam of Jared’s beautiful and flushed face directed at Jensen.

Jared is exhausted, not only physically and even if he wanted to, he won’t find any sleep. The opportunity of sharing this moment with Jensen; their eyes locked on one another is a chance he’s not sure he’ll ever have again. For the time being he feels blessed and there is no way he’s not going to soak up every single moment of it.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks and many sloppy kisses to my wifey and comma-nazi, [ObsidianRomance](http://archiveofourown.org/users/obsidianromance/pseuds/obsidianromance).


	6. Chapter 6

_**...chapter six...** _

 

Just as Jensen had said, Chris shows up the next day. They barely swallowed the last bite of breakfast when the doorbell rings and an enraged and furious Chris storms into Jensen’s house without a greeting but definitely a murderous glare towards Jared.

Chris is reserved and wary of Jared’s presence and Jared is sure the man would rather kill Jared himself for bringing all this trouble down on Jensen. Jared can’t blame the cop; would actually agree if it isn’t for Jensen who constantly interferes and calms Chris down to a bearable level.

No matter the obvious dislike the other cop feels towards him, Jared still tells Chris everything he knows about Mark.

Chris and Jensen have their portable car computer, with all required and necessary law enforcement software, set up on the coffee table in the living room; scanning every program the force has to offer for finding any information about Mark Pellegrino.

Turns out that Mark never did anything that could possibly draw the authorities’ attention to him. A couple of unpaid parking tickets not even worth mentioning. But other than Mark, some of his men actually do show up in the system and the things the two cops find out about them are nerve wracking.

"That so called driver you told us about," Chris turns his attention to Jared with a light twitch to his lips, "his name was Rosenbaum, right? Michael Rosenbaum?"

"Y-yes. What did you find out about him?"

"Well, he's definitely more than a driver. Also, he's dead."

"Shit."

This is all Jared's fault. He knew that Rosenbaum was going to get Hell for losing Jared and deep down he also knew death would wait for the man but back then Jared only wanted to get away.

"You could say that. LAPD found him with slit wrists in his house. Scene looked like suicide but from what I can read here they're still investigating because whoever did this was a little sloppy."

"What do you mean?" Jensen wants to know, pulling the laptop in front of his face to read for himself. "Shit, that is sloppy." He adds with a snort of amusement.

"What's going on?" Jared doesn’t know what could possibly be funny about any of this.

"Whoever did this wanted it to look like a suicide but Rosenbaum was one big fella and I doubt his fingers were that long. Says here, both his wrists were cut by a lefty. He could have easily slit his right wrist but not his own left wrist."

Jared scrambles his brain and after a short moment his good memory serves him useful information he never thought of as important. "Vince is left handed."

"Vince? The guy you said was always delivering coke to Pellegrino's house, his right hand?"

Jared nods in answer; bile rising in his throat. If Mark had anything to do with it, and Jared is sure of that, then there is no doubt of what Mark would be willing to do once he got a hand on Jensen. If losing Jared in a crowd of a concert was a death sentence then Jared fears of what Mark has in store for people who kept Jared; touched him, slept with him. In Mark Pellegrino's eyes Jared is his property.

"Guys, I don't think it's a great plan to mess with Mark. You've got no idea what you're up against." Jared knows his voice is weak but he has no idea what to do or how to stop the two cops from running into their sure deaths.

"Right," Chris chuckles; voice layered with sarcasm and then his tone turns serious again, "and while you sit there like a damn scared baby I'll just watch how your fucked up boyfriend goes out to slaughter Jensen? Sorry, not gonna happen. This nutjob doesn’t scare me one bit.”

Jared can only wince at those words and already he has no idea how to live without Jensen, how to cope with having the older man's blood on his hands.

"Shit! Shit shit shit! God fucking... fucking crap!" Chris yells out of the blue. His outburst echoing through the whole house and he points at the screen for Jensen to see and Jensen pinches his eyes close, "Motherfucker!"

Jared doesn’t know what’s happening; his eyes opened wide and gaze darting back and forth between the two cops.

It seems that all names connected to Mark Pellegrino one way or another are flagged in the system. A red mark popped up on the screen, warning whoever is on a certain file that it was confidential. The system crashes within seconds and the screen turns blue. Obviously Mark has someone in his pocket from the police. Of course he has. This was going to end badly.

"Morgan." Chris says all of a sudden; pacing Jensen's living room.

"No way! The man is like a father to us, he's a good guy and his wife, she's fierce, man, she would have his balls if he's a snitch."

"Idiot. Of course he isn't in on it. We need to get him on board, that's what I meant." Chris pronounces his statement with a hard push to Jensen’s shoulder.

"Oh. And… ow!"

"Yeah, oh."

"Who the hell is Morgan?"

Both cops turn to Jared’s confused expression, "Chief of police. Our boss."

"Oh."

"There are too many ‘ _Oh's’_ for my liking around here. How about you two sit tight and I go get Morgan. Stay in, don't leave the house for anything, lock the doors. I’m sure they’ve just snatched an IP and location from when we were digging through these files.”

Hours after Chris left he comes back with Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Jared learns right away that the man is willing to rip people apart if they so much as try to fuck with _his boys_. They don’t have much to go on, no signs or evidence that Mark is actually in town anymore or ever has been. Jared knows better though, for weeks he felt as if someone was breathing down his neck, of someone watching him and it might have been one of Mark’s men, but he’s sure that his ex-boyfriend would want to see for himself where exactly Jared is. So it’s pretty damn clear that the man is in town and will be until he can strike again. Having no leads whatsoever, Jeffrey insists on bugging the whole place; phones, shoes, car, everything.

And that’s how Jensen and he spend almost every day now; locked in. It’s been almost one week since the fire and not a peep from anyone or anything that would indicate trouble lies ahead. Jensen is as calm as can be while Jared is on edge. He knows that this nothing, this whole silence, it’s the quiet before the storm. He has no idea what exactly Mark is waiting for, but he also isn’t ready to find out. Because whatever it is, it’s going to be messy.

Jensen calms him down whenever he’s pacing or drinking more coffee than he’s used to. He wants to be awake and on alert though, needs his senses sharp and his eyes open. They busy themselves with movies, reading and talking. It’s relaxing and a great relief for Jared when he doesn’t have to think his words over before voicing them; now Jensen knows, is in on everything that ever happened between Jared and Mark. Jared is still ashamed though, of being an idiot and a fool, for believing for far too long that Mark was a good man but Jensen drills it into his brain that Jared isn’t the one who should be ashamed of anything. Some days it’s easy to believe the older man, other days Jared only wants the world to open up and drag him in, swallow him whole and never spit him up again.

They might be talking all day about a lot of things but what they both avoid is the subject of _them_. Not a word is leaving their lips of what’s going on between the two of them, _if_ there is anything even remotely worth talking about going on.

If Jared could only try to let his doubts go for a minute, he would be able to believe his eyes and trust his instincts. But whenever he breaks and Jensen shushes him, holds him and whispers into his hair that he won't let anything happen to Jared, then it feels so much as if Jensen is honestly concerned, that he likes Jared. Yet it's such an alien feeling to have an amazing person like Jensen care about him... much less _like_ him.

Is Jensen doing his job or maybe feeling something too? Jared is just lost. He doesn't know how to ask Jensen; how to approach the subject so he does what he knows they both like and are comfortable with. Whenever Jared's mood shifts; the antsy feeling coming back full force and Jensen embraces him then Jared will turn the tables, searching for more contact, more intimacy and offers himself up. Jensen still goes all rigid and nervous whenever Jared brings their mouths together. It's this great kind of nervousness, the kind that drives Jared crazy and turns his bones into jello. Kissing Jensen is like a memory eraser for the time being and it's getting easier for Jared to lose himself in Jensen's arms; he trusts the cop, trusting him with his life, body and soul. And when the older man has him laid out on the bed, fingertips trailing over Jared's skin, eyes dark with lust and something that looks like adoration to Jared, then Jared is sure it's bordering on worshipping.

Mark used to worship Jared's body, in his own special way. But more so in a matter of obsession and ownership. Jensen though, Jensen's type of worship is more than just comfortable, it's sensitive and loving. Jensen doesn't take, doesn't chase his own satisfaction, the cop gives and as soon as he enters Jared's body, cock breaching Jared's entrance, it feels... _good_. Almost in a sense of belonging. Whatever dark places and people Jared met in the past, never in his life did anything result in such a strong feeling of security washing over him.

**~~~*~~~**

Jensen is going stir crazy; being on lock down is no fun for him at all. For the first time in his hermit life does he actually miss going outside. The only source of fresh air is when they open the window an inch. He isn't scared though; he has been in worse situations but Jared is frightened and freaked. The younger man does his best to play it cool but Jensen can see right through him.

Morgan and Chris both advised against leaving the house but, as much as Jensen is enjoying all the time he can spend with Jared, the urge to step a foot outside is still strong.

And stepping outside is exactly the plan he, Morgan and Chris talked through while Jared was distracted and certainly not listening in. Even though Jensen didn’t like the idea from the start, dreaded it even, he knows there is no other way around it. Morgan pulled all the strings there were so they could turn the tables.

It’s a stupid plan, but it’s also smart and the only solution, not only to get Jared out of the crossfire but also to take down Mark Pellegrino. Never before in his life did Jensen willingly sign up to step into a sure suicide mission. But someone has to take the risk and Jensen won’t let anything happen to Jared; he promised it to the younger man for Christ’s sake. If Jensen won’t bait Pellegrino then neither him nor Chris or Morgan can predict Pellegrino’s next step, much less act out their set up.

Since Jensen’s house has been bugged Morgan took care of the surveillance on the house; four of Morgan’s most trusted men are involved in the whole mess as well. They take shifts in pairs to watch the house. A strict routine and timeframe set within minutes and neither was going to change the game plan. If they need to take a piss they will just have to do so in their car; Jensen doesn’t give a flying fuck. All he cares about is that they all look like complete morons and rookies. Pellegrino won’t hit if he doesn’t have the feeling of power and more brains than anyone but himself.

Jensen can only hope that with all the information Jared provided, they’ll have enough knowledge of the man to evaluate his first, next and last move. No missteps are allowed to happen.

Pellegrino’s affinity for pain, control and torture is enough reason for Jensen to believe that whatever the man has planned, he won’t eliminate Jensen without having his way with him first before putting his hands on Jared.

Keeping this whole strategy from Jared isn’t easy, because lying has never been one of Jensen’s fortitudes but if everything works out as planned and they make it out of it with nothing but a scratch then Jared will hopefully be able to forgive Jensen.

Jared had gone to bed not even an hour ago. He wanted Jensen to join him, to keep him company and not leave him alone. But Jensen already knew that tonight he would have to grab the chance of sneaking outside the minute Jared would fall asleep. He turned Jared down, knowing full well what Chris’ earlier call of _‘you’re all clear’_ really meant. It doesn’t mean that Jared and Jensen are safe and sound, quite the opposite. It means that all the scooping around of _someone_ had stopped, a sign of Pellegrino having gathered enough information of their fake surveillance and was ready to hit. And neither cop questioned that anyone but Pellegrino himself would show up.

The note from Jared’s fridge is an adequate indication that the man will come for what he believes is his: Jared.

The house is quiet; almost too quiet and it’s exactly the kind of silence everyone has been waiting for. A deep breath of the night's clean wind is balm for Jensen’s lungs and he dwells in it, takes long refreshing inhales and listens to the almost silent snap of his backdoor.

There’s a click behind him just shortly after, a click he’s never been on the receiving end of before. It’s right there, at the back of his head and he closes his eyes for a second to steel his nerves and get the logical side of his brain rolling. The release of the safety switch thrums in his ears and he knows that any sudden movement could splatter his brains across the lawn. He has long ago realized how dangerous his job is, that every day might be his last so he isn’t afraid of being at gunpoint or even dying. But if he goes down so will Jared and that risk he can’t take. Jensen himself will never bite the dust without a fight, he’s not a quitter but the man upstairs, the man he promised he will protect,is defenseless and Jensen promised he wouldn’t let anyone hurt Jared. Sticking to the plan is his last thought before the person behind him speaks up.

“Not a word, Officer Ackles.” The voice is quiet, it’s a whisper that doesn’t even wake goose bumps on Jensen’s skin, the barrel of the gun does put an itch on his scalp though and he wants it gone so he stays silent, only nods slow and calculated.

Right now though, Jensen wishes he would have agreed to microphones being hidden in his house as well, because whereas he knew it was going to happen, it’s still rattling his nerves that he can’t know with certainty if Chris and Morgan are on their discussed positions.

“Step back inside. Slow. Don’t try anything stupid.”

Jensen does as he’s told; the gun at his head is gone but he knows it’s still there, pointing at him from a few inches away, just enough to still be deadly if he moves the wrong way.

“Hands behind your head, Ackles and turn around.” The man orders him once he’s back inside and closes the door carefully.

Furious blue eyes stare at Jensen and he knows exactly who’s standing there right in front of him: Pellegrino. Jensen still isn’t sure though of what exactly Pellegrino’s plan might be, if he only came to collect Jared or if killing Jensen was on his to do list as well. Okay it probably is, he had guessed that much from the get go. But knowing how ruthless the man is and that he doesn’t flinch from doing anything, Jensen guesses that he won’t see the end of the night.

“You took something from me, something I’m very fond of.” The smile on Pellegrino’s face is predatory and wild, “and I assume you know that I’m going to take it back.”

“And you actually believe I’ll just let you waltz in here and hand Jared over? I never guessed you for being stupid.”

Jensen knew before opening his mouth that this wasn’t going to end well, but he’s still trying. The Glock in Pellegrino’s hand connects with his jaw with brutal force and he stumbles a few steps but he was prepared for the impact. His head hurts like hell and he’s sure the bruise will be huge and soon blooming but he has to rile the man up, needs him out of his mind and unperceptive. As long as Pellegrino’s attention is set on rage Jensen will have a chance of taking the man down.

“No, see, the thing is I’m smarter than you think. I come prepared,” Pellegrino steps closer, so close Jensen can feel the man’s breath on his face, “you’ll do as I say and you won’t fight me because if you do,” the man lifts the gun again, barrel grazing over Jensen’s cheek but Jensen doesn’t falter, his gaze strong on Pellegrino’s eyes, “…if you try _anything_ , I’m going to hurt you. And trust me when I say my boy isn’t worth getting hurt over.”

“What’s your reason to hunt him down then? If Jared’s so unworthy, you should pack your shit and call it a night, what’ya say?” Jensen squints at the man in front of him with questioning eyes; head cocked slightly.

“Now isn’t that interesting. There is something you need to know, Ackles. I’ve been watching my boy,” Pellegrino moves the gun up to Jensen’s temple, pressing it into the thin skin there; hard, “and you. I know what you’ve been doing with him.” The man wraps his free hand around Jensen’s throat with just enough pressure to keep Jensen from swallowing and pushes him against the door with his back.

Jensen wants to fight the man off but he can’t, physically he could but he has to play along and try to analyze where exactly this is going and how far and for how long Pellegrino wants to play this game.

“He thinks he is so smart but he should’ve known better. But everything is going to be okay from here on out. First I’ll take care of you and then I’m going to take my boy and bring him back home. You’ll be nothing but a bad memory.”

Jensen presses his throat deeper into Pellegrino’s suffocating hand, going for established dominance and croaks out, “What do you want with him anyway? He obviously doesn’t obey your orders. Don’t _you_ deserve better?”

“Stop trying to play me for a fool, Ackles. I know what you’re trying here. You think I can’t see that you want him for yourself?”

“Not going to argue about that. But obviously you don’t know how to put him in his place, or maybe you just didn’t pay him enough.” The statement is spat in Pellegrino’s face with hatred and vile; it’s the only option Jensen has to get the man off of him. From Jared himself, Jensen learned that the man is obsessed with Jared and he has seen it with his own two eyes on the police reports what the man is capable of to get the younger man back. Talking smack about Jared, making it seem that Jensen believes Jared is way beneath his league is definitely a sure fire way for Pellegrino to snap.

Jensen’s instincts never betrayed him and they don’t start now either. With his full body weight, Pellegrino slams his forearm against Jensen’s windpipe, pressing him into the door again and Jensen just smiles wickedly at the man, he has him exactly where he wants him; Pellegrino is losing his cool faster than Jensen had first thought.

“You shut your mouth!”

“Or what? Seriously, dude. Just get the fuck out and forget about Jared. I’m sure you’ll find someone more worthy of your time. What the hell do you want with a whore like him anyway?”

“Do you actually hear yourself? Ackles, you’re stupider than I thought. I can see right through you. Jared is mine. Do you fucking understand! Mine! Not a word that comes out of your mouth is true and we both fucking know it.”

Jensen’s body wants to shudder because he begins to realize that maybe Pellegrino isn’t going to give up that easy; isn’t going to buy any of Jensen’s shit. But it was to be expected. Now all Jensen can do is wait for Pellegrino to completely lose it and hopefully Chris is gonna charge in just in time. Or else they all might have a problem.

**~~~*~~~**

Jared wakes from his light sleep because there is some unnerving commotion going on in the house and at first he thinks Chris might have shown up. But then it’s not Chris’ or Morgan’s voice he hears, it’s Mark’s. Mark is inside Jensen’s house. Instinct forces him to pat the bed next to him but it’s empty. Jensen isn’t in the bedroom and then it becomes obvious that Jensen is down there. With Mark. How the hell did Mark get into the house.

Jared thought they were safe; Chris promised to keep Jensen out of any danger. Jared is frozen in place and he doesn’t know what to do or how to react, Mark’s voice making him shiver in fear.

Should he run or go downstairs and make sure Mark will get what he came for? Running away doesn’t seem to be a smart option because he did that once and now his ex found him, again; found Jensen and if he doesn’t stop Mark from whatever he’s intending to do to Jensen then Jared will never forgive himself.

“Let him go, Mark.” Jared swallows against the lump in his throat. He’s standing on the top of the stairs with a perfect view of Jensen being pinned against the door by the man Jared once loved and trusted. And now all he can feel is hate. Strength builds in him he didn’t even know he possessed. But he has to, at least this one time, stand his ground and face his fears; face Mark. Maybe Jared will end up gone, or worse, dead, but he won’t let Jensen get hurt in the process. He has dragged Jensen into this and he’ll get him out of it.

Mark loosens his grip on Jensen, but Jared can see that his hold on the cop is still enough to keep Jensen immobile. Jensen looks at him wide eyed, his face a portrait of pure shock and disbelief and for the first time Jared is able to read the other man’s expression clearly. It says _what the fuck are you doing_ and _get the hell out of here_.

Mark’s shoulders tense up immediately when he hears Jared’s voice and turns around to face Jared; jaw clenching and a smile on his face that Jared recognizes immediately; it means trouble and then some.

“There you are my sweet boy. Why don’t you join us, hmm?”

“No can do, Mark.”

“Oh, listen to you, found out you got your mouth for more than just sucking cock, huh? You can actually talk but haven’t I taught you how it’s impolite to disobey me?”

Jared shifts his gaze from Mark back to Jensen, silently asking for help even though he knows that Jensen can’t do anything; not with a damn gun pointed to his head.

"Mark, please. Come on, I'm here, aren't I? He's got nothing to do with this."

"That's where you are wrong, sweetheart. Now get down here and if you play nice and behave I might be willing to make an exception and put a bullet through his brain to make it quick."

Jared knows that Mark isn't bluffing; the man is deadly serious and Jared is aware that whatever his next step will be Jensen will get hurt.

Before Jared can come up with an answer though, Mark has Jensen pulled off and away from the door; Jensen's back pressed flush against Mark's chest and the gun pointed at the cop's jaw.

"Jay, don't you _dare_ move your ass down here."

"I said shut your trap!" Mark yells at Jensen; gun forcing its way underneath Jensen's chin and pushing his face up a few inches.

"Baby boy, you don't listen to anyone but me, got it? There is a black duffel bag at the back door; I want you to get that for me. Oh, and don't start calling for help or anything just as stupid. We don't want Vince out there to hurt you, mh?"

Jared is wincing at the mention of Vince; the man is as ruthless as Mark and probably responsible for Rosenbaum's death. He wants to freak out and scream but if Jared screws up, if he doesn't do as Mark says, Jensen will be the one paying for his mistakes.

Tears burning behind Jared's lids and his body trembling terribly, he eventually puts one foot in front of the other; every step towards the end of the stairs is more wary than the other. His eyes never leave Jensen's though; the cop is shaking his head but Mark stops the movement with yet another twist of his gun against Jensen's head.

"Good boy. Go get the bag for me, sweetheart." Mark sing-songs to Jared and nods his head in the direction of the back door.

The duffel looks more than familiar to Jared; his own initials sewed into the front. It was a gift from Mark because Jared complained about his old worn duffel bag falling apart.

Jared picks it up, it feels heavier than it probably is but whatever is inside of it, Jared won’t like it; he doesn’t want to find out what Mark stuffed into it.

"Bring it over," Mark orders while pushing Jensen towards the living room, "and you, sit your ass down." He shoves Jensen onto the ground and waves his gun to indicate Jensen to sit down next to the heater.

"Cozy house you got here, Ackles. Too bad it won't stand much longer."

"Mark, what are you doing?" Jared is trying to keep a respectable and safe distance between Mark and him, duffel bag hugged tight to his chest.

"Officer Ackles and I seem to have somewhat of a misunderstanding," Mark shakes his head sarcastically at the cop, "he believes that you aren't good enough for me but we'll make sure to show him exactly just how perfect you really are for me. Only me."

Jared doesn't like the sound of that. Not one bit. Mark is too calm for his liking, his _kind_ voice too familiar and whenever Mark had this tone in his words Jared was in for a night of trouble. He can barely breathe anymore, his eyes fixated on Jensen alone while his ears pick up on the orders Mark is directing at Jared.

"Sweetheart, why don't you open that," Mark points to the duffel bag in Jared's hands.

He struggles with the bag, doesn't want to crouch down, can barely move, but opens it without losing his footing; his knees weak and his brain fuzzy.

When he does avert his eyes away from Jensen he finally sees the contents of the bag that used to be his. A jerry can filled with something that Jared guesses is fuel and his whole buddy shudders at the sight and the thought of what Mark is going to use it for. Fumbling deeper into the bag his fingers come in contact with cold and hard metal; his eyes grow wide in a shocking reminder.

"Looks like you remember those, hmm, sweetheart? That's right. Now take those cuffs and make sure Officer Ackles can't get off that heater. Lock 'em tight, just the way _you_ liked it."

Jared feels like puking. He hates these damn cuffs. When Mark first replaced his silk tie with the metal cuffs Jared was excited but all Mark cared about was making Jared unable to get away from underneath him. He hesitates and only snaps out of the memories when he feels Mark stepping closer; immediately Jared takes a step backwards, scared shitless to have the man so close.

"Jay, it's okay. Just do what he says." Jensen's voice is soothing to Jared's tortured nerves but he’s still terrified to use these cuffs on Jensen. How will Jensen be able to get out and away if he’s locked to the metal of the heater?

"One more word from you and I'll end you faster than you can beg for mercy."

Jared places the bag back on the floor, the weight of the cuffs in his hands too much to mentally handle. If he just knew how to avoid cuffing Jensen.

Jared goes on his knees behind Jensen's shoulders; too anxious to have his own back to Mark. He closes his eyes for a short second before he takes hold of Jensen's wrists, thumb stroking over the fine skin and when he leans down far enough to get the cuffs around the pipe of the heater he leans into Jensen.

"I'm so sorry." Jared whispers into Jensen's neck and as soon as the words leave his mouth he can feel Jensen leaning his back against him, a sigh escaping the cop's lips.

"Sweetheart, come on over here."

Jared's head is swimming when he gets up to walk over to where Mark is still standing next to the couch, gun never pointing anywhere else but directly at Jensen.

“I’ve been watching you, sweetheart; saw all these men touching you…”

“Mark, please don’t do this. We can talk about it, right? I'm sure we can find a solution of some sort."

Mark crooks his fingers at Jared, luring him closer and every further step suffocates him. Jared has no doubt that if he doesn't obey, Mark will call for Vince or end this whole dilemma himself.

"Please? Please what? That how you begged the others?"

"I--I had no choice..."

"You could have always come back home, sweetheart. Does he know," Mark wiggles his gun a little more at Jensen, "that you're lying?"

"What are you talking about?"

"My sweet boy, I was willing to forgive you; forget how you kept betraying me and cheated on me and accept that you did anything so you wouldn't starve that precious body of yours. But then Ackles comes along."

"What's your fucking point, you asshole?" It’s Jensen’s voice entering Jared’s ears and it sounds bitter, frustrated and hurt beyond repair.

Mark turns his attention away from Jared and shifts his furious gaze at Jensen, "this is between me and my boy, so stop interfering. Or are you that desperate to eat a bullet?"

"Guess he doesn't know after all. But I'll show him who you belong to. Get on your knees." Mark's command holds a dangerous tone but Jared does what Mark wants him to do. Slowly he goes down on his knees and he can tell what's coming next; has been in this position many times before and when Mark is standing right in front of him he understands to either play along or end up dead. Even though he knows already that if he survives the night he'll be dead anyway when Mark takes him back home. Either by his own hands or Mark's torture. If Mark goes through with his plan to get rid of Jensen then Jared has no reason to keep breathing.

"Mark, I'm sorry."

"Maybe I believe you. Show me how sorry you really are." Strong thick fingers card through Jared's hair, the touch poisonous and threatening. Mark's crotch is so close to his face Jared can already smell the man's arousal. The man has always gotten off on the power he held, and still has, over Jared.

"You son of a bitch!" Jensen yells from his spot and Jared doesn't dare turn around, can't look at the man his heart is aching for. The clinking sounds of the cuffs rattling against the pipe are hurtful to Jared's ears. "Jesus Christ, leave him the hell alone you sick bastard!"

With nervous hands, Jared opens Mark's zipper and pulls the man's pants down.

"Don't listen to him, sweetheart. You're doing good; such a good boy."

Jared nods in agreement, fully understanding that this is what Mark wants; Jared at his mercy and all to himself. He tunes Jensen out; the cop's pleas too painful for him and he allows his body to take control; to guide him into doing what it knows best: giving Mark pleasure without caring about himself or anyone else.

Next he pulls down Mark's underwear, erect cock springing free and Jared takes it in his hand; tugging and stroking; once, twice.

"Jared! No! Don't, please Jared. You don't have to do this."

"Haven't I given you enough chances to quit yapping?" Marks voice shudders through the room and before Jared can realize what's going on, a deafening bang filters through his haze followed by a piercing grunt from Jensen. It is then that Jared pulls his attention away from Mark and when his eyes find Jensen, the cop has a death grip on his upper arm; blood streaming from between his fingers.

Jared's first instinct tells him to get to Jensen and help him but the logical part of his brain stops him from committing yet another mistake. Instead of making sure Jensen is alright, he grabs for Mark; both hands on the man's hips, pulling him closer and trying to get the man's attention back on him and far away from Jensen.

"Mark. Mark, please just leave him be. I'm here and I'm...I'm all yours. He... he won't say another word, I promise. Please let me prove it to you. I'm yours."

In one fast movement and not willing to risk another second Jared, takes Mark's hard flesh between his lips; sucking him down until his gag reflex sets in. Tears are running down his face and he knows without a doubt that they aren't caused by the large cock blocking his air ways.

"So good, my sweet boy. So damn good." Mark is already panting; breath short and turned on while Jared keeps bobbing his head and takes the man in as deep as he can. He is disgusted; at himself, his actions and his stupidity.

"Ackles!" Mark hollers at the cop, "you better be looking. Don't want you to miss the show."

Jared doesn't know if Jensen is physically able to open his eyes or how he is doing. But Jared can hear him groan in pain and this alone is good enough for Jared to keep going. Jensen is still alive and Jared will do anything to keep it that way.

"Come one, sweetheart. You can do better than that. Been seeing you with... _God, yes! There! Take my cock,"_ the next thrust of Mark's hips forces the man's cock even deeper inside Jared's throat and he does his best not to puke. "... with them. How they touched you; paid you."

Jared is hiding inside his own head, letting his mouth work without paying too much attention to the things Mark spills but his ears won't cooperate; picking up how the man tells him that he's been watching him for weeks, months. Jared always had the feeling of being followed; of course,he thought it was more out of fear than reality but obviously Mark had found him long before the fire.

"Did he pay you better than the others?" Mark asks while his grip on Jared's skull tightens and he shakes his head in a sure yes with the next bop of his head. He twirls his tongue over the sensitive cockhead and prays that Mark will just shut up already.

"Such a bad liar, sweetheart.”

Jared is increasing his pace; sucking faster and harder on Mark's cock. If he doesn't get him off anytime soon, Jared is going to be sick. After all the things the man has done to him in the past, this is by far the most humiliating action he's been forced into.

Jensen’s murmurs barely reach Jared’s ears, but it’s so damn difficult to shut the man out, “Jay, please…” Jensen is begging him in a strained mumble, “…don’t. I’m so sorry, Jay. God, Jay. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m so sorry.”

Jensen always knew what Jared is, a whore, but never in a million years did Jared believe the cop had to witness how low a man can fall. Thoughts of maybe Jensen being able to like him were all that kept Jared going but now he's absolutely certain that Jensen won't ever look at him again, much less like him or, God forbid, develope any kind of feelings similar to Jared's.

"What an impressive display you two offered me during those last weeks. You thought Ackles' house was going to be a good hideout? Wrong, so wrong sweetheart. How much more did he pay you to drop all these other bastards?"

Jared can't and won't answer; too shocked over this part of information. He was watched all this time and the realization of that makes him tremble. So much so that the cock in his mouth slips out and he falls back on his ass.

"Hey! Did I tell you to stop? Get the fuck back here and finish what you started!"

But Jared doesn't move; his limbs rooted to the floor. He shakes his head violently. "No more." He croaks through his sore throat; lungs burning and eyes stinging.

"You little piece of shit!" Mark is furious; his feet kick at Jared's legs and his hands grab for Jared's hair, pulling him up.

"Stop it!" Jensen whimpers and begs. "Kill me if it helps your fucking ego but don't hurt him. God damn it, just leave him alone already!"

“I’m not done with you, sweetheart.” Mark hurriedly tugs his still hard cock back in his pants and the pull and tug on Jared’s hair is gone. Though, now Jared wants the pain back immediately because Mark is stalking over to Jensen, steps calculated and sure. When Jared watches how Mark lifts his gun again and is pointing it directly at Jensen's forehead, he wants to scream but not a word comes over his lips.

A movement to his right, at the back door, catches his attention and his eyes wander to the source of distraction. Whatever it is it will be better than watching what Mark is most certainly going to do to Jensen. The shadow to his right isn't Vince, that much he is sure of; it's too small to be Vince, shoulders not as broad and steps not forceful enough.

**~~~*~~~**

"You are willing to die for him? For a whore! Tell me, Ackles, you having some kind of hero complex?"

Jensen is dizzy; the words hitting him only seconds later. He sure lost some blood but not enough to be life threatening; the bullet went straight through his upper arm. It still hurts like a bitch though. But there is no doubt he'd take another round if it means Jared is safe.

If Chris and Morgan don’t come charging in any minute now, Jensen is almost one hundred percent sure there will no more Jared or Jensen left to be keeping safe. His head is spinning with confusion and he has to tell himself again and again that he can trust Chris, that his best friend and partner won’t leave either of them hanging. But just as he’s finishing his thoughts there is movement; he can barely hear it, can’t see anything from where Mark is blocking his view.

“Kiss my ass!”

Pellegrino laughs at him, whole body vibrating from it and Jensen curls his lip in disgust at the bastard in front of him. “I’ve had it with your attitude, Officer Ackles.”

Pellegrino's disgusting grin doesn't falter; it intensifies when he uses his free hand to place it on Jensen's bullet wound. Jensen cringes, the small contact not only repelling but it _already_ hurts like hell.

"Tsk tsk tsk Officer. Does it sting?" Pellegrino presses his thumb into the wound, deep and Jensen can't stop himself from screaming in pain. "Should have just kept your filthy hands off of what's mine. Killing you fast is too easy. I’m going to make you suffer for taking what’s mine and then I’ll have me some fancy BBQ right outside in your yard while I watch you burn."

"You fucker!" Jensen tries to get away, cuffs digging into his wrists but there is nowhere for him to go.

"Ha! You’re right about that one,” Pellegrino snarls and digs his thumb into the bleeding mess on Jensen’s arm further. “I’m going to have so much fun with my boy when I don’t have to bother with your sorry ass anymore.”

Jensen swallows thickly, praying that whatever he heard a minute ago was Chris.

“What are you waiting for then, huh? Just fucking do it already and spare me your drivel.”

“Aren’t you an impatient little maggot; you just can’t wait for your lights to go out, hmm?”

The Glock that has been pointed at Jensen’s face the whole time slowly wanders to his middle and Jensen is instantly regretting his decision against a bulletproof vest. “Anything’s better than looking at your ugly mug.” Whatever is going to happen next, all Jensen can hope for is that Chris and Morgan will be fast enough to get Jared out of the house.

“Those your last words or is there anything else you would like to share with us, Officer Ackles?”

“Yeah. Screw you!”

“MARK! NO! God, no. Please, don’t do this.” Jared’s quivering form comes into Jensen’s vision; hair sticking to his forehead and eyes filled with pain and sorrow.

Jensen wishes so badly he could reach out and hold the younger man one last time, feel the soft and warm skin underneath his fingertips. The barrel on his lower abdomen pushes into his own skin further and Jensen is sure that this will be the last he feels before he goes to a _better place_.

“See, Ackles, that’s why he came back to you all these times. My boy likes you; more than I can tolerate. But don’t worry, I will fuck every small memory of you out of him. I don’t even understand what he sees in you.”

Jensen hears the words, tries to process them but all he can focus on is the broken look on Jared’s face; the tears on Jared’s face a sign of defeat and affirmation. Jensen gives his all and hopes the smile he puts on for Jared is worth more than words could express.

For the second time that night, Jensen hears the soft click of safety switch and by the sound of the footfalls, he’s almost certain it’s Chris.

“Drop the gun, Pellegrino.”

Relief washes over Jensen because no matter what Pellegrino does with him now, the guy won’t get out of the house alive. And that means Jared will be safe. “Looks like Jared isn’t going with you after all.”

“Pellegrino, last warning. Drop the fucking gun or I’mma make that crappy brain of yours splatter.”

Jared tumbles to the ground next to Pellegrino’s crouching form, Jared’s hands gripping for Pellegrino, begging not to do this and let Jensen go, but Pellegrino’s next step stops Jensen from convincing Jared that everything is going to be okay.

Jensen can see a glint of something in Pellegrino’s eyes, the man leans in close to Jensen’s ear then, “…you’ll be dead before me.”

Before Jensen feels the agonizingly sharp sting in his abdomen, there is an earsplitting bang reverberating through the room.

Another gunshot rings in Jensen's ears only seconds later; it's close but also far away. A scream of his own name all his brain can register and it's Jared's voice; it's right next to him and if he could force his body to work he would maybe be able to open his eyes to see the younger man.

"Oh God! No! Jensen! Please! Jensen, open your damn eyes!"

Jensen doesn't see some stupid white light and it better stay that way but the infamous cold is there; he is freezing while warm wetness coats his shirt in the front, thick and sticky.

In the distance, Jensen can hear Chris’ voice, mumbling something and from what Jensen can still understand, it’s a call for an ambulance. He can only hope that they will make it in time because slowly the pain in his stomach begins to fade and that is never a good sign.

“Jensen! Come on, stay with me! You bastard! How could you let him hurt you?”

Jared is pulling on Jensen’s clothes, it feels so comfortable and even though Jensen’s breathing is decelerating and it’s painful, he attempts to lean into the touch and answers with half lidded eyes. “S-Safe. Want y-you s-safe, Jay.”

**~~~*~~~**

Jared can’t think straight anymore, his train of thought is a rollercoaster of jumbled up mess and pain. His heart rate is sky high and his chest is heaving in fear and panic. Jared can’t and won’t pay attention to Mark’s bloodshed body laying half over Jensen’s legs. His focus is solely on Jensen; the cop’s breathing is raspy and choked, blood streaming from Jensen’s stomach and Jared knows he has to put pressure to the wound. He has no idea if what he’s doing is right or wrong but he has to do something. Jensen is barely conscious anymore, his body limp in Jared’s hold, eyes mere slits and the man’s words hit Jared like a sucker punch.

Continuing to beg Jensen to stay awake seems the only mantra still working in Jared’s head; his free hand is roaming frantically over Jensen’s face, brushing away sweat and blood, blood that is definitely not from Jensen himself. It must be Mark’s and Jared does his best to clean it off and away from Jensen. In panic, he starts kicking, using his whole body’s strength to push Mark’s dead body from Jensen’s legs. The man has no right to be so close to Jensen, has no right still touching Jensen. He won’t ever bother Jared again but Jared will be damned if he allows Mark to have any contact with Jensen, _his Jensen_.

“Don’t do this to me, Jensen. Jesus, please just stay awake. Just a little while longer. _Please_.”

“Jared, go, come on. The paramedics are here, let them do their job.” Chris is trying to drag Jared away from Jensen but he can’t let go. This is all his fault; Jensen got shot because of his mistakes, because of Jared’s foolishness.

“NO! I-I… I gotta stay with him. Let me go!” Jared screams at Chris, pulling his shoulders free from Chris’ hold. He leans down again, closer to Jensen’s face; he needs to feel the man’s breath on his cheeks, needs it like air to breath. The only thing capable of keeping him sane is if Jensen keeps breathing and hanging in there.

“J-Jen…,” Jared begins pleading again, lips brushing carefully over Jensen’s, "... you can't leave me. N-Not like this."

Jared is aware of how much effort it takes Jensen to stay conscious and the amount of blood running down the cop's stomach is disturbing. There is just so much of it, covering Jensen's shirt and pants in a vivid dark red that looks almost black.

"J-Jay...."

"No, no. No talking. Just... open your eyes, Jen. Please, can you do that? They'll help you okay?"

Jared leans closer still and their foreheads touch, noses brushing and even when Jensen starts coughing up blood does Jared not move away.

"Stay safe. P-Promise me, Jay." The whisper ghosting over Jared's face sounds like a goodbye and Jared presses harder on the wound on Jensen's stomach.

"Out of the way." A voice from behind Jared yells out and he is almost sure they can't possibly mean him because he's not going to leave Jensen alone.

But suddenly Chris yanks him in a forceful grip off of Jensen, “…let ‘em do their job, Jared. Buddy, you gotta get up. The paramedics need some space here.”

Jared is being shoved and dragged away, he can feel how his elbow knocks and legs stomp against the hold on him and none of his thoughts are rational anymore; all he can think of is being next to Jensen. Deep down in the depths of his mind he knows that Jensen needs help, hears the paramedics shout orders at each other and all Jared can see is blood.

Gauze pads, alcohol wipes and bandages start flying, the paramedics giving their best to stop the bleeding but every new pad comes back drenched in dark red. Jared hears them shout for another adrenaline shot and when the word V-fib falls, Jared is breaking apart in Chris’ arms; body wrecked with cries and he goes completely limp.

Jared feels exhaustion and guilt dragging him down, mentally and physically, his head swimming in grief.

“We’re losing him! AED, 200 and fast!” The shrill command of the paramedic shatters Jared and with one last look at Jensen’s pale face Jared’s world falls to pieces.

“Jared, we gotta get you out of here.” Chris’ voice rings through Jared’s haze and all he can do is shake his head in disbelief and when the situation finally sinks in, his stomach drops and with a heavy thud he goes down on his knees, throat fighting against the bile threatening to break free. But Jared has no energy, no strength left to battle against his own body. He’s retching and heaving, screaming and crying until he frees his stomach from its contents.

“I love him,” he whispers to nobody in particular and regret crushes him that he never had the balls to tell Jensen.

Time passes, minutes, maybe even hours; Jared doesn’t know. His sense of time is in disorder but it most certainly feels like hours are going by and every second of it sends a raw stab of sorrow through his heart and before he knows it’s happening his world goes pitch black. Darkness overcomes him when he hears the distant voice of one of the paramedics announce, “Flatine! Another 300!”

The immeasurable heartache compels Jared into unconsciousness.


	7. Chapter 7

_**...chapter seven...** _

 

A slap to his face is what wakes Jared. At first it's nothing but a brush of skin but the more he comes to the more he realizes he's being slapped back into consciousness.

"Come on, boy." Another slap.

Jared scrambles, flailing his arms aimlessly and eventually begins to open his eyes to the familiar voice.

"You with me? Jared, look at me, damn it."

"Jensen," he croaks out to the man hovering above him.

"What? No, it's Jeffrey. Morgan. Boy, we gotta get you to a hospital. Medics will take you in, alright?"

Jared is too out of it to realize he’s being carried to an ambulance; he’s too far gone in shock and grief to understand any of the things around him.

The next time Jared wakes up he’s in a hospital room, a petite blonde nurse at his bedside checking his vitals and smiling broadly at him, assumingly pleased with the stats. “I’m okay,” he rasps in a voice that sounds as broken as he feels. “Just wanna get out of here.”

He knows he’s not capable of going anywhere, his body weak and he can’t figure out what’s up and down or left and right.

“Doctor said you’ll be good to go once your heart rate is back to normal and so far I can’t complain. You want me to call someone for you, someone who could pick you up?”

Until a few hours ago, Jared would have needed less than a heartbeat to tell the nurse who exactly should come and pick him up, but the thought alone reminds Jared of why he’s in the hospital in the first place.

“Could you just… maybe hand me a phone?”

To Jared’s surprise, the nurse takes off immediately only to come back a short moment later with a phone clutched to her hand. There is only one person Jared believes he can trust and dials the number he memorized a few months ago.

“’llo?”

“Jim, is… is that you? I... it’s,” Jared swallows around the lump in his throat, “it’s Gregory. Can you come get me? I’m at,” checking the name plate on the nurse’s chest, Jared reads the hospital’s name off the logo printed there, “Parkland Hospital.”

Jared allows the nurse to guide him into the waiting area at the front desk where mounts of papers and forms are thrust into his hands. It’s then that he notices the blood on his hands for the first time. He didn’t realize it was there, didn’t even see it when he dialed Jim’s number, but now, seeing the stark red against the white paper makes his stomach curl and he has to fight against the weakness in his body to stand upright. He is sure that everyone is looking at him funny, being six foot four and crying like an ankle biter so openly is bound to draw attention. But they can all kiss his ass if they are bothered by a grownup who doesn’t hide his emotions. With the last bit of strength he has left, Jared ignores the ache in his chest, the longing for Jensen. Again, Jared had failed, failed Jensen. He made the biggest mistake in his life and regret crushes him so forcefully that he can only hope Jim will show up soon and long before Jared’s body gives out once again.

Once Jim does arrive at the hospital, the older man wears a whole lot of anger and even more worry on his face; Jared feels sorry right away.

“Gregory, what the hell happened to you? You alright?” Jim asks and ushers to Jared’s side, pulling him into a tight hug.

Jared shakes his head, "...my name's Jared."

"Right. Go figure. Come on, you sit down and let me worry about those papers. Then we’re leaving." Jim starts tugging at him, strong arms hoisting him into the direction of a plastic chair on the far end of a wall.

Only moments later, Jared's still so out of it he barely registers that he's being half carried to the door and outside. He feels useless and every little nerve ending inside of him is protesting against the movement Jim forces him into. But soon enough, he’s sitting again and the warmth from Jim’s car is seeping through his thin clothing.

"Now. I'mma go get you to my place and then we gonna talk."

Jared doesn't respond at all, only stares straight ahead, blood-covered hands clasped together and hidden between his thighs. Jared’s stomach is turning painfully, his memory serving him the needed but rather forgotten information as to why he’s feeling like someone has ripped his heart out. Jared’s head starts swimming and dizziness tries to drag him into unconsciousness again when he closes his eyes for a short moment and Jensen’s pale face appears behind his closed lids.

Before Jared can possibly hop too deep on the memory train though, Jim announces that they are there and, what in reality are nothing but a few short strides, feels like a marathon for Jared until Jim shoves him down on the living room couch.

"So?" The man drawls out after handing Jared a glass of water and taking a seat in the chair next to the couch.

Jared doesn't want to look at Jim, afraid the man can see how much fault lays on Jared, how much blood he carries on his hands. Literally and figuratively. Jared's eyes focus on his hands, crimson colored skin mocking him and before he can do anything about it he starts crying, breaking apart under the eyes of a man he lied to for so many months.

"It's all my fault."

"What's your fault? The blood? Whose is it?" Jim stands up from his chair and crouches down in front of Jared. If the situation would be a different one, Jared would want to laugh at the crack of the man's joints. But as it is, Jared is too focused on finding an answer for the man who is trying to calm him.

"Alright boy, let's start at the beginning. Your name's Jared?"

Jared nods, still hiding his face behind his bangs. "Had... had to. He found me and... and... now Jensen. He's..." Jared can't say it. The thought alone of Jensen being gone because of him is too much and he gives his best effort to stop his stomach from heaving again.

Jim grabs him by the shoulders then, thumbs rubbing soothingly over fever hot skin and Jared leans into the comforting touch, it's all he has for now. A friendly familiarity he didn’t know he couldn’t be without.

"Listen, I don't care that you lied about the name thing, I figured that something was off when you refused to show me your ID. I also know that you're a good guy, so don't believe for a second that I'm going to judge you for whatever happened. But if you want me to help you, then you gotta tell me _what_ happened to you."

**~~~*~~~**

The evening had started out to be lazy, cozy and everything that wasn't a bloody employee needing to be picked up from a hospital. But then again, Gregory, or Jared, as Jim now knows him, was never only an employee for him. It's only been a few months since the young man stepped into his Grill with a shy and reserved smile, asking, no, begging for a job off the records. Being a good judge of character, Jim knew that something was wrong, that the boy was in deep shit and real trouble but the innocent eyes got to Jim faster than he could have kicked the boy out. More often than not, he tried to ask Jared what brought him to Dallas and maybe tickle some information out of him, but pulling all emotional walls up, Jared ignored Jim completely or changed the subject with lightning speed.

He was shocked, and still is, when he saw Jared at the hospital, eyes as empty as could possibly be, barefoot with nothing but sweatpants and a thin shirt covering the boy’s cold skin and of course all that blood on long skinny fingers. The blood Jim wasn’t too worried about because if it would’ve been Jared’s, then none of the doctors would have given permission for Jared to be released already.

Dragging Jared inside wasn't an easy task. Not that Jim would admit to it, but he wasn't the youngest anymore and Jared's six foot four frame was just on the edge of too heavy for him especially without any help from the boy. Jim had barely gotten a few words out of Jared when he passed out on the couch, tear stained eyes rolling back into his head and the shivering body went limp right under his nose.

Jared is still shaking and crying his heart out and Jim wants to admit defeat because nothing Jared said makes much sense to him. All Jim realizes is, that Jared is in serious need of help. Hopefully the boy didn't do anything stupid, but Jim really doubts that the kid could cause anyone any harm without acting in self-defense.

"This Jensen guy, he the one you're hiding from?" Jim regrets the question immediately because the shocked expression on Jared's face is answer enough.

"He... Jensen, he helped me, s-saved my life." _And lost his own by doing so_ , Jared leaves unsaid. "It's, the blood," Jared opens his hands, palms up, and stares at the blood on his hands, Jensen's blood, "it's Jensen's. I-I couldn't protect him. I tried. Jim, I couldn't save him."

Jim is beyond lost and barely any of Jared's words make sense to him. All he got so far is that certainly someone has lost their life and according to the words Jim did understand it's this Jensen guy. Not wanting to torture the boy for longer than really necessary, Jim gives up asking any more questions. The blood on Jared's hands seems to have a heart aching effect on the boy so Jim gets up before he speaks again, "let's get you cleaned up, hmm?"

Jim doesn't wait for Jared to respond, simply pulls at the young man's shoulders until he is standing on shaky legs.

A few days pass and since Jim couldn't possibly leave Jared alone in his grief, Jim closed the Grill for the time being. Tea and coffee are basically the only things Jared can keep down but every day Jim tries again and offers Jared some food. The bread stays untouched and also the juicy steak Jared always devoured within a couple heartbeats stays whole.

"Jared, ya gotta start eating again at some point."

"Not hungry," Jared whispers with a slight snap to his tone, his eyes still staring outside the window and Jim wonders how much longer the kid is gonna sit on the window sill before his ass morphs into the wood underneath.

"Wanna talk about him?" Jim tries speaking to Jared again, all he could get out of Jared during those last few days so far is that Jared thinks of himself as guilty for what had happened to Jensen. But a blind man could see that Jared cared more about Jensen than he’s telling Jim about.

Shaking his head, Jared can't hold back another wave of tears staining his cheeks. He has loved before, even before Mark; Jared knew exactly what it meant to be in love with someone. Now though, he has to realize that he never loved as intense and strong. He misses Jensen, which is an understatement but finding a word to describe how terribly it hurts to not have Jensen in his life anymore is simply impossible.

Every single muscle in his body is on fire, his heart bleeding with the pain of his loss. Jared is trying so hard to blame Mark for everything but deep down he still knows that if he had been strong enough to say no to Jensen and step out of the cop's life before it was too late, then Jensen wouldn't be gone. The Ackles' wouldn't have to bury their son, their brother and uncle. Jared can still hear Jensen's gushing over his nephews and he wonders how much they would hate Jared, how badly they would want to hurt him for being responsible of Jensen's death. And Chris, Jared can't bear the thought of facing Chris ever again. Not once did Chris back down, all he cared about was keeping his friend and partner safe. Jared ruined them, their friendship and he doesn't doubt for a second that Chris blames nobody but Jared for the loss of his best friend. Jared would gladly take the blame, the hurt and suffering that would come with it not even close to the ache he's already dealing with.

Jared wishes he could thank Jim for standing by his side, for the effort he puts into getting Jared back on his feet. He can't though, Jared can't find positive words or a simple thank you. The fact that he's practically starving himself is something he's well aware of and he hopes that Jim will just give up on him and let him be. It's the coward's way out of his misery but maybe it's his last and only chance to see Jensen again. Though, Jared knows it's only wishful thinking. If there is a life after death; heaven and hell, then he has no doubt that he's going downstairs, rather than upstairs where Jensen is most definitely heading.

All Jared can think of his how much he regrets never telling Jensen how he feels about him, how badly his heart has been crying for Jensen all along. It's a little too late for it now and living with this kind of regret is almost worse than living without Jensen all together.

"He's dead because of me. Nothing I say could possibly bring him back. No words in the world can change what I caused."

"And you believe he would've wanted you to follow him? You of all people should know better what he wants you to do."

"Do I?"

"Jared, God dammit boy, you told me what he said to you. He wanted you to be safe. And I hate to break it to you, but from what you've told me, he died so you wouldn't have to suffer. If you give yourself up then his death would be for nothing. Do you want that? Do you want his death to mean jack shit?"

Jared knows all that, deep down he knows it's true, but it doesn't make it any better. It doesn't explain why Jensen would willingly give his life for someone like Jared. "Why me? Jim, I don't get it. Why would he do that? He had a family, friends and a great job. Why would he give all this up only so I wouldn't have to deal with Mark anymore?"

"Guess he loved you too much, so much so that he couldn't bear the thought of living without you."

Jared snaps his head around, glaring at Jim utterly shocked. "What? No, he... he just did his job. Don't say that."

"Oh boy. You gotta learn a lot about life. And love. You never told him, did you? How you feel about him?"

Jared shakes his head again, face falling into his open palms and yet another set of sobs is constricting his throat, eyes burning with tears.

"I miss him so much. God, I miss him. What... what am I suppose to do without him?"

Jim closes the distance between Jared and him in a few short steps and pulls the young man away from the window sill and into his arms. He has never had to deal with such immense grief before. Sure, he had shed his fair amount of tears when his parents passed, but they weren't exactly young anymore; they had a great life and it was only a matter of time for them to leave the world and be rejoined in heaven, but Jared? Jared is too young to experience a loss that big, the loss of what's so obviously not only the passing of a friend. More so, it's the murder of a man he loved, and still does. No matter how well educated or experienced in life-situations you are, you can't ever be prepared for consoling a mourning person. Words won't ever be enough, they don't heal and they don't make the heartache any better.

"You move on, that's what you're supposed to do; it's what he would've wanted. Don't disappoint him, hmm?"

"Can't... I-I can't. It hurts. Jim, it fucking hurts. How could I possibly let him go?"

"You don't have to let go to move on," Jim pulls the slightly taller man further against his chest, hands rubbing in soothing circles over Jared's sweat-soaked back, "nobody expects you to forget and you never will. But boy, I won't stand by and watch how you destroy yourself. And honestly? I could really use a hand at the Grill."

Jim opts for joking, the only way he knows how to drag someone from sadness and if the snort, well, it's a mix of a sob and snort, from Jared is any indication then maybe he has a chance of helping the boy back into a somewhat normal life. Pulling back a little, Jim takes Jared's face in both hands, forcing a smile on his own face and patting the boy's cheek once. "Not gonna let you give up, you understand me?"

He waits for a few long moments before Jared finally nods at him in agreement. "If you feel like crying your heart out, do it. Don't let all that anger and pain suffocate you, don't you dare stow it and let it tear you apart. It'll only make it worse. You got me?"

~~~*~~~

Returning back to a normal schedule, to life, is absolutely not manageable for Jared. He is sure it will take months, maybe even years for his cries to stop show up at random times and one thing is for sure: they won't ever stop completely or hurt any less. The guilt is pulling him in and doesn't let him back up as fast as he sometimes wishes. Jim constantly has to shake him out of breakdown after breakdown.

Work at the Grill is slow going and Jared burns more food than he's producing but the thing is, he doesn't care. His mind is forever drawn to the mere memories he has of Jensen and he, the short time they had together. Jensen's smile is branded into his brain and he would give everything to see those crinkles around the man's piercing green eyes again, to hear Jensen's voice one last time. The ache in Jared's heart doesn't go away, it's still there. Of course it is. Six days and eighteen hours have passed. Definitely not enough time to start with this whole moving on crap Jim wants him to do.

If Jared could be honest with Jim he would flat out tell the man that his efforts are fruitless; Jared can't move on, doesn’t want to and more so Jared does not even want to think about a future that doesn’t include Jensen.

Three times a day, Jim shoves a sandwich, soup or a burger under Jared's nose. Every once in a while he takes a bite, mostly when Jim is still watching him and waiting for Jared to eat already. But as soon as the older man turns his back to Jared, the food ends up in the trash. He can feel his stomach turning, growling with hunger, but his throat won't let him swallow the bites his stomach is begging for. Every bite leaves Jared heaving and choking.

Day six and hour nineteen is so close Jared can count the seconds and when the next hour begins he slides down the door of the Grill's kitchen, ass hitting the floor tiles hard but he doesn't feel the pain of it, the hurt from deep down of his soul overpowering every other of his senses.

"Jared!" Jim's voice shatters through his cries but just like so many other times before, he doesn't answer to the call.

"Fucking Christ, get your ass out here!"

Jim seems more angry than Jared ever heard the man before and after everything the man did for him Jared feels forced to collect himself and get up to see what's going on. It can't be because of yet another dish being fucked up so that it is anything but edible. Because that’s all Jared can manage on kitchen duty and so far Jim hasn’t complained once.

Wiping away his tears on the sleeve of one of the many shirts Jim had given Jared to wear, he sniffs two, three more times until opening the door carefully.

Jim is standing behind the counter, staring at the TV on the shelves. "Tell me again, what's the name of the other cop?" Jim turns to Jared with a look that Jared can't read.

"What?"

"The cop-friend of Jensen's. What's his fucking name?"

"Chris."

"...and?"

"And what?"

"Last name, damn it. Tell me his fucking name."

Jared shudders at the angry tone and for the first time he feels scared in Jim's presence. "Kane. His n-name is Christian Kane."

"I could throttle you!" Jim throws the remote onto the counter and walks over to where Jared has a death grip on the door handle. "Did you see Jensen die? Did you? Did you... boy, tell me again how you could possibly know the guy was dead."

"Jim, _please_. Is this really necessary? Just... he... I don't wanna talk about it. I heard them. Heard what they said."

"Heard who? Who said what?"

"Paramedics. They said f-flatline. I heard exactly how they said he fucking flatlined, okay?"

"Right. Well, you're a moron, that's for sure." Jim reaches for the remote again, hitting a button and the sound of the TV comes back to life, "watch and listen you idiot."

Jared is wrecked with fear over Jim's outburst and not to anger the man any further, Jared does as he's told and steps over to stand beside Jim, eyes glued to who Jared recognizes immediately: Chris. It must be an older picture of the cop, shorter hair and all formal smiles in his uniform.

_"...confirm the passing of CEO of Pellegrino LLC. Authorities have collected enough evidence to tie the Californian to illegal activities in and around Dallas. Details about Pellegrino's involvement in drug and weapon deals have yet to be confirmed but Police confirmed the business man’s involvement in a fire that took place only two weeks ago in Highland Hills. A spokesperson from the Dallas Police Department informed us about the shooting and attempted murder of Officer Ackles. Pellegrino suffered fatal injuries from a gunshot wound inflicted by Officer Kane to protect the life of his fellow Officer."_

The words from the news reporter hang heavily in the air and none of them weigh as heavy on Jared as the word 'attempted'. Hope rises in him but he is also aware that the news never covers the whole truth. Jared was _there_ ; he saw how the life drained from Jensen's body, witnessed the blood oozing from the man's veins and the memory of hearing how the man he loves flatlined on his own living room floor.

"Jared..." Jim is there within a heartbeat, holding Jared upright and steady and he doesn't need to speak up, Jim can read him like an open book, can see the many thoughts that make up Jared. "Back at the house, did you hear them confirm it? Were you awake when they declared Jensen to be dead?"

Shaking his head, Jared knows what Jim might be thinking. He wants to be able to have the same idea, but he can't. Can't believe that maybe, somehow, Jensen pulled through. The amount of blood, the pale and lifeless skin is so deep in his memory that it's impossible for Jensen to have survived this. "I... I told you I passed out."

"Jared?"

"They... the paramedics, they said he flatlined and I saw him. Jim, I fucking watched him die. In my arms. He died. They said so and... and. I passed out and when... when I came to there were so many people, cops and doctors and I just couldn't. I couldn't hear anything more. Had to... Jim, I couldn’t hear them anymore, everything seemed too loud and…. He died because of me."

"You should call this Chris guy."

"Why would I want to do that? I'm to blame for his best friend's death. I don't believe he'd be very happy to hear from me."

"Maybe Jensen made it. Did you ever fucking think about that?"

"Does it look like I ever thought about him being alive?"

"Call him. If you ask me, this doesn't sound like he died. Call Chris and either he confirms my theory or you'll find some of the much needed closure."

"I don't need fucking closure. I need Jensen! But I can't have him. He’s gone! You hear me? Gone! Whatever these people think, they have no damn clue what happened. Jensen is dead. He's gone and I have to live with his fucking blood on my hands."

Jared can't listen to any of Jim's words anymore. It can't be true that Jensen didn't die. Jared's heartache is proof enough that the only man who ever really cared about him had died. For Jared... and mostly because of Jared. Jared caused so much pain, especially to Jensen's family, that the grief is definitely his punishment for all the mistakes he made. Jared doesn't deserve Jensen to be still alive, to take the ache away. Jared deserves to suffer and he will do so until the end of his own days.

Jim watches how Jared storms off and out of the Grill in the direction of the stairs, listens to each and every door being slammed shut. He shifts his gaze back to the TV then but whatever else the news reporter had to say was long over and Jim missed any new information. He turns the TV off then and contemplates his next move, how and if he should act on the things he just heard or if he should trust Jared’s judgment. But then again, the boy is too far out of it and heavily grief-stricken to be making any rational decisions.

**~~~*~~~**

Jensen wakes slowly, his whole body thrumming in pain and he can't remember ever being so damn sore. What he does remember right away though, is why he's hurting all over.

He wants to jump up and see where Jared is, but he is trapped, hooked up to machines with too many cables and tubes. Opening his eyes, he can make out Chris sitting in a chair next to the bed; asleep and snoring like a fucking chainsaw.

Speaking proves to be impossible with the tube shoved down his wind pipe and instinct tells him to panic, but his brains knows better so he lets out some strangled sounds that, after a while, wake his friend and partner.

"Jensen!" Chris startles and gets off from the chair to look Jensen over. "Fuck. You had me worried here for a while."

Jensen tries to speak again but Chris realizes too that it's not possible, "...hold on, I'mma get the doctor. Stay calm, okay?"

Jensen rolls his eyes because the last thing he wants is to stay calm but it's not like he has much of a choice.

It doesn't take long for Chris to crash back inside Jensen's hospital room, doctor in tow.

"Well, it's good to see you awake, Mr. Ackles. I'm Dr. Harold."

Jensen groans, because he seriously doesn't feel like chatting. Not that he physically can but he has bigger and more important things running through his head and if the doctor doesn't remove the damn tube he won't be able to speak at all.

"This is going to be uncomfortable," Dr. Harold explains with worry-lines around his eyes. "Take a deep breath in through your nose and hold it. When I count to three breathe out through your mouth."

Jensen nods his understanding and follows the doctor's instructions.

"J-Jay...?," he asks with a scratchy voice once his throat is freed from the offending tube and he glares at his best friend and ignores the pain in his middle when he scrambles to push himself up on his elbows. "Where is he?"

"Mr. Ackles, you should take it easy." Dr. Harold takes a hold of Jensen's shoulder and fails miserably as he tries to lower Jensen back onto the bed.

"Chris, where is Jared?"

Jensen watches how Chris' Adam's apple bobs up and down nervously. "Gone. We, I... I don't know. He’s… gone."

"Come again?"

"Morgan said they brought him in after he went into shock."

"Shock? What? Chris, what happened to him?"

"Not... not that kind of shock. He hasn't been shot or anything, but I guess the stress and everything was too much and he freaked. It... it wasn't pretty. Jared blacked out and they had to admit him to get checked. I went to look for him while you were in surgery. He had already signed himself out."

"And tell me again why you can't find him..."

"He paid cash. No social security number, no address, no nothing. I already talked to Dr. Harold here,” Chris points his thumb to the doctor and Jensen receives a nod from Dr. Harold, “but he wasn’t working the night you and Jared were brought in. One of his colleagues treated Jared and they had no reason to keep him here.”

"Fuck. Chris, I gotta find him."

"No. What you need is to calm down and heal. Jesus Christ, you've been shot. Twice. And you almost died."

"Technically," Dr. Harold joins in, "...he did die. More than once and I strongly advice against any strain, stress or moving at all. Mr. Ackles, the bullet wound on your right bicep wasn’t very complicated to treat, it’s a through and through but I’m afraid the shot to your lower left abdomen was more severe. Your spleen was ruptured to such an extent where we had to decide fast and the only solution to keep you from bleeding to death was to remove it. We had to put you into a drug induced coma for two days until you were past the critical stage. Leaving this bed should be the last of your concerns right now."

Well, that definitely explains why Jensen’s stomach hurts like a bitch, but spleen or no spleen, he couldn’t care less about the missing organ. Even though Jensen doesn’t know much about the medical concerns, he’s alive and right now all that worries him is the fact that he’s been out for two days and Jared is gone.

"Two days? Chris, is he joking? I don't care if I almost bit the fucking dust. Get me the hell out of here and find Jared! We don't know if... shit, where is Pellegrino?"

"Dead. Put a bullet through his head right after he shot you a second time."

"Yeah, about that. What the hell took you so long?"

"We kinda had our hands full with two of his men outside. Jen, I'm sorry, okay? We've got Vince in custody The other guy, who we still couldn't identify, is dead. Morgan kind of went rogue when the guy tried to shoot him and Morgan punched his zygomatic bone through his skull."

Jensen shudders at the image of what must have gone down at his house but he honestly can't care about the lives of either of them when he had to witness how Jared was practically raped. He has to give this to Pellegrino, the man accomplished one of his plans: breaking Jensen, his heart.

Dying might have been the easiest way out but Jensen would rather be dead than remembering what Pellegrino did to Jared. And sadly, Jensen remembers everything, every little detail and it makes him sick to his stomach.

What worries him shitless is the fact that he has no idea where Jared is or how he is doing. He wants so badly to see that the younger man is okay but being trapped in a hospital doesn't give Jensen many options.

"I need to get out of here."

"Mr. Ackles, that's not going to happen anytime soon. Give it a few more days and recharge your batteries before you start thinking of leaving this bed. We didn’t have to put you into a coma for the last two days because you had a cold."

"The doc is right, Jensen. I'll see if I can get anything from the bug in Jared's phone and you just rest, alright?"

"Please find him?" Jensen isn't above begging and he is too exhausted to hide his desperation.

**~~~*~~~**

"If you don't get me out of here anytime soon I'll freak out. Chris, please man. I gotta go find him."

Jensen is tired of begging, tired of arguing with Chris but the hospital is driving him nuts. He feels fine. Okay, he woke up in pain and he's still pretty damn sore but the uncertainty of what happened to Jared is worse than being shot. What the bullet didn't accomplish, the worry within him is definitely going to kill him. The longing and ache for Jared is getting worse with each passing day. And seven days inside a hospital are bound to drive a man mad.

"You've been out of the ICU for less than four days; you can barely sit up right. What do you think you're gonna do when, or better yet, if I get you out of here?"

"The fuck you think I'mma do? Find him of course. Lord knows what happened to him."

"He's a big boy and what's there for him to face? Pellegrino is dead and Vince is gonna rot in a cell for the rest of his miserable life."

"Yeah, but does Jared know that? You said so yourself, he left without a word and nobody has seen him since he checked out.”

"Well, the kid was pretty out of it but he knows Pellegrino is six feet under by now, he was there, remember? He kicked the fucker off of you after I shot him. But honestly, it doesn’t surprise me that he just up and left. Jared got his life back, a free man who’s not hunted anymore. Maybe he wasn’t as interested in you, not as much as you’d hoped. Jen, I’m sorry, but maybe you were a convenient way out.”

"You don’t know him."

“But you do? You’ve known the guy for a couple of months and I too almost believed it when he said he lo--. Anyway, maybe you shouldn’t worry too much about him but more about getting better yourself.”

"What was that?"

"Huh?"

"Don't play me for a fool. What were you going to say just then?"

"He loves you. Well, it's what I thought and it's what he said. But seriously, if he'd really felt that way, he wouldn't have left like that. Am I right?"

"He... he loves me? Did he really say that?"

Chris swallows thickly, he didn't know that Jensen didn't know that. Jared and him were just too close, their eyes sparkling whenever they looked at each other and no matter how mad Chris was and still is at Jared for bringing this mess on his best friend, he can't deny that he thought there were true feelings involved.

“Does it matter?”

“I swear to God, Chris. Stop playing around and spit it.”

“Well, his actual words were ‘I love him’. But seeing how he obviously doesn’t give a crap about you, now that you’ve saved his ass I’d like to add, I have my doubts that he was talking about you. At the time I really thought he did and it looked like just that. Now though, I’m sorry Jen, if he would have any kind of feelings for you then where the hell is he and why didn’t he at least ask if you’re alright?”

A storm of unpleasant emotions curses through Jensen and it’s weighing on him. Everything Chris says makes sense but it also doesn’t. Could Jensen have really been so blind and stupid to get caught in his own feelings that he didn’t see how every word from Jared was just a way out and in into safety? Jensen didn’t want to save Jared’s life only because he was expecting anything in return, he knew all along that if he didn’t make it then there was no way for Jared to offer a ‘thank you’ to Jensen but now that he did survive and Jared is obviously alive and kicking as well, it’s really fucking disappointing to be left alone.

“Could you… Chris, I… I think I should rest some more. ‘m tired.” Jensen turns away from his friend, too embarrassed over the wave of tears threatening to flow freely.

“Jensen… you shouldn’t… okay, yeah, whatever you want. I’m really sorry, I know you like him.”

"Just go. Please."

As soon as Chris leaves, Jensen gives himself over to his cries, body protesting with each sob and the pain in his middle intensifies. So much so that after a while he has no other choice but pushing the red button on the remote, calling for a nurse. Jensen can only hope that whatever painkillers this place has on the menu will be enough to numb not only the pain but also the unbelievable agony in his chest.

**~~~*~~~**

It's barely eight pm when Jim turns the sign on the door of the Grill to show that they are closed for now. He can't focus on neither his customers nor is he capable of fixing any food when he knows that Jared is upstairs and probably still in the same state as before. Listening to his gut, he decides to check on the boy before turning off all the lights in his apartment.

Jim had expected the door to the guestroom to be locked but to his surprise it's ajar and the noises that come from inside make him stumble inside without announcing himself. What he discovers is beyond anything he ever had to deal with.

Jared is thrashing on the bed, his hands tightly wrapped around his neck and mouth gaping in an attempt to take in a breath. Jim is at his side in an instant, pulling Jared's hands away from the boy's throat.

"Jared! Hey! Breathe! Come on, boy. You gotta calm down!"

Jared's skin is glistening with cold sweat yet it's hot to the touch. Panic attack is Jim's first hunch on what is going on with Jared, but it looks too intense, too much and the few breaths Jared happens to catch sound more like a whistle and every alarm in Jim's head goes off.

Not wanting to let go of Jared, but having to do so anyway, Jim hurries to the windows, pulling them open roughly to get some fresh air into the room but of course it's completely fruitless.

"Jared, boy. Did you take anything?"

With difficulty, Jared shakes his head, body crawling into a fetus position and hands snapping back to his throat.

Without trying to waste any more time, Jim yanks the phone from the receiver and dials 911.

It feels like hours pass by until the ambulance finally arrives and Jim ushers the two paramedics and a doctor to Jared's room. The boy is still fighting for every breath, his malnourished body is shaking like a leaf.

Jim watches in horror at the intense fit of rage Jared unleashes when the doctor wants to inject an adrenaline shot to Jared's arm and Jim feels completely out of his element. No matter how much he wants to help Jared there is nothing he can do other than watch the boy suffer. The shot seems to be doing its job though, because only half a minute later Jared is hyper aware of his surroundings and finally his breathing is turning to a normal pace again.

The announcement that they better take Jared in and have him in the hospital for observation is a huge relief for Jim. By the time the doctor and both paramedics are ready to leave, Jared is too tired to protest when they strap him onto the gurney and carry him to the ambulance.

"We'll have to hook you up to an IV, get you hydrated again," the doctor explains once they have Jared lowered into a bed in the hospital. "That was one hell of a panic attack you had there. Can you tell me what happened, what caused it?"

Jared shakes his head and turns away from the accusatory gaze of the physician.

"When's the last time you ate something?"

Jared only shrugs his shoulders, all while the doctor starts poking him with yet another needle.

"Last bite I saw him take was two days ago. And by bite I literally mean one single bite." Jim speaks up, staring at Jared while talking to the doctor.

"I'll tell the nurses to get you some chicken broth. I expect you to eat all of it if you don't want to starve. If your stomach can handle it, we'll get you on some dry toast. Until then, all you need is some sleep."

"Thank you doc. Can I stay here with him for a while longer? Don't wanna leave him alone for too long." Jim's tone is pleading and Jared doesn't miss the fatherly concern. It's comforting but only adds to his already guilt-ridden conscience.

"Sure thing. But I'd like to ask you to wait outside while the nurses prepare the IV."

"I understand. Yeah, I'll go get me some coffee," Jim steps closer to Jared, one of his hands stroking lightly over Jared's forehead, brushing away a strand of wild hair. "you gonna be alright while I'm gone, son?"

Jared perks up at the endearment, eyes shining with tears and a pleading look on his face until he eventually nods. Jim winks at the boy and pats his shoulder, "good. I won't be long. Promise."

The cafeteria next to the waiting area is, except for a handful of people, almost deserted, but Jim doesn't mind at all. After everything he had seen and heard during those last few days, he's glad about the quiet murmurs filling the air.

Drinking coffee anywhere but at his own place has never been one of Jim's favorite things to do. The reason for it is as simple as the stale and lukewarm liquid he is currently sipping on. It'll have to do for now though; staying awake and looking after Jared more important than perfect coffee.

"The usual?" The woman behind the counter asks a man in front of her and even though Jim doesn't like to eve's drop on people, he likes the distraction to escape his own thoughts.

"Yeah, thanks, Julie."

Jim is still standing a few feet away from the man when he adds some extra milk to his coffee in hopes of turning it into a more drinkable beverage.

"May I?" The man who was just talking to the woman behind the counter holds his hand out for the milk carafe.

"There ya go." Jim pushes the carafe into the man's waiting hand and nods at him but stops midway when he finds himself eye to eye with someone he knows but also doesn't. His breath hitches for a second when he realizes it's the man from the news report he watched only hours ago: Officer Christian Kane.

"There something on my face?" Kane snaps at Jim's blank stare.

Jim shakes himself out of his haze, "...no, I... I just... I'm sorry, but I have to ask. You're that cop, aren't you? Christian Kane, right?"

"Listen, if I busted you sometime..."

"What? No."

"Well, alright. What do you want then? I'm not in the greatest of moods."

"I can imagine. I'm a friend of Jared."

Jim watches how the color in Christian's face drains away and immediately all Jared's words of fear, how Christian must hate the young man, come to him and he swallows thickly as his body rattles with nerves.

"Great. Just fucking great. You know what? Tell your friend to go to hell."

The man smacks his own coffee back on the counter and brushes past Jim with a heavy growl that could wake the whole hospital.

"Excuse me? I don't think we're done here." Jim stops Christian, hand yanking the younger man's arm and turning him around to face him again.

"You better let go of my arm before I let you know that I'm not off duty."

"Are you threatening me? Sorry, kid, but I ain't seeing no uniform. Now, calm your snappy ass down. I just want to ask you one question."

"There isn't a question in the world I feel like answering, especially if it's concerning Jared. The guy is lucky I didn't find him yet."

"Why the hell are you so mad at him? He didn't even do anything."

"And isn't that just the problem? Listen old man," Chris squeezes the bridge of his nose, face showing signs of defeat and exhaustion, "my best friend almost lost his life only so he could protect Jared. And your friend doesn't even fucking care, okay?"

"Whoa. Stop right there. You have no idea what you're talking about. I know exactly what Jensen did, Jared told me. Every gory detail and before you run your mouth, how about I let your ignorant ass know that for the past seven days I've been trying to stop Jared from doing something stupid? Why? Because for this whole time, he believed that Jensen is dead. You hear me? That boy has been through hell and the last thing he needs right now is to have you laying more blame on him."

"Shit. Are you serious? He thought..."

"Do I look like I'm fucking joking? Now, how about you get that stick out of your ass and tell me which room Jensen is in."

"Why would I do that?"

"God, you're stupid, boy. Because the second you're out of my face, I make sure Jared can go see him, that's why."

Jim doesn't smile that often, not much reason to anyway, but when he finally opens the door to Jared's room again, his face is almost splitting in half. He would love to throttle the boy but that wouldn't be the smartest move, especially with the witness he has in tow.

"Jared?" Jim asks quietly when he's left staring at Jared's back. The boy is curled in on himself, body still trembling terribly and his choked cries could break a deaf man's heart and when Chris wants to step forward, Jim stops him, shaking his head.

"Don't... don't wanna be here." Jared's broken voice is barely audible but Jim and Chris hear it nonetheless.

"Well, that's something I haven't heard on a loop for the past week." Christian chuckles into the room and Jim watches how Jared's body goes tense at the sound of Christian's voice.

**~~~*~~~**

"Chr...Chris." Jared is shocked to the core when he slowly turns to face the man he would rather avoid seeing ever again. "I... I, I'm so sorry, Chris."

The cop raises an impatient eyebrow at him and Jared can't remember ever feeling so small and cornered.

"I didn't want him to get hurt, you gotta believe me." Saying Jensen's name out loud proves to be a difficulty and Jared's heart shatters all over again when he realizes that he can't even say the name of a man he loves and misses so damn much.

"Why did you run from the hospital, Jared?" Chris eyes him up and down before speaking up once again, "there's no reason to go into hiding again, you know that Pellegrino is dead."

"And at what price? Huh? What's it matter now?" Jared raises his voice and it cracks at the end of his question, all his emotions tumble into his words and his chest hurts with his heavy and ragged breathing.

"A lot, according to Jensen. It was him who offered himself up as bait to get that guy out of the way, out of your life. Even though it was his idea, he didn't like it, not one bit. I told him what a stupid move it would be but he didn't want to listen. All he wanted was for you to get your life back and what are you doing in return? You just leave him hanging. Doesn't seem fair if you ask me."

Jared swallows the accusations down, soaks them up like the air he needs to treat his lungs with because Chris is right, everything is true and Jared deserves to be punished with the anger Chris radiates off every pore of his being. What Jared didn't know though is that Jensen had wanted to have everything go down exactly like it happened. It pains him even more now to know that Jensen willingly stepped into his death for Jared's well-being. Jared's head is spinning and all he wants is to give in to his stomach's request and puke his guts out.

"Christian, don't you think it's enough already?" Jim pleads with the cop and Jared is glad for the distraction, spins his gaze towards his friend in a silent thank you before turning his attention back to Chris.

"If it makes you feel any better, I would gladly take his place. You... you have no idea how I'd give my own fucking miserable life if it meant he was still alive. You are right, I shouldn't have run but what was I supposed to do? Tell me! The man I love more than anything died in my fucking arms. Do you really think I could have possibly stood there and watch how he's lowered into the damn ground while his family and friends look at me in hatred because I took Jen... Jensen from them? Hate me if you want but I promise you that nobody could ever hate me more than I despise my own fucking self!"

"Good. 's all I wanted to hear."

"Fuck you, Chris. Fuck you!"

Jared is so done with the pain and the agony he can't fucking stand it anymore. He knew all along that Chris would blame him and wished hell would rain upon him but he never thought it would be so hard to hear the words of blame and guilt being thrown at him. The smirk on Chris' face deepens and Jared wants to smack it right off of him.

"Anyway, this' been nice and all," Chris claps his hands together in utter delight, "but if you happen to get vertical anytime soon, we should get going. You look like shit, but I doubt Jensen's going to mind. That old sap will be happy to see you either way."

Jared's blood runs hot and cold at the same time and his brain feels like it will explode any second now. "Wh-What?"

"Could've saved yourself a lot of trouble if you would've stayed around. Jensen's always been tough and yes, Jared, he did die. Kind of. Well, a couple times, but he pulled through and is already getting on my damn nerves again. Jared this, Jared that. Now grab your IV there and get a move on."

Jared can't believe what he's hearing. This can't be possible. He felt and saw how every piece of life drained out of Jensen, how he gave himself up only to allow Jared another breath and freedom of body and soul.

"Are... are you saying..." Jared can't get the words out, can't even think straight.

"That Jensen is alive? Yeah, he's had a rough couple of days with all the not knowing where you have been and I'm sure he's in more physical pain than he's letting on, but he'll recover."

"I want to see him. Chris, I need to see him." Barely aware of what he's doing, Jared is moving his weak body forward, pushing his legs over the edge of the bed and the fast movement causes him another wave of dizziness. Jim is hasting to him in under a second flat to steady him.

"Take it easy, boy. We gonna get you to him, but slow, okay? You've passed out more than enough recently. It'll last you a lifetime."

"Jim... he's.. Jensen is, he isn't."

"I know. Still, take it easy, please. You're in no condition to overdo it right now."

Jared can't fucking think, there are just too many different thoughts running through his mind and they are a mix of good and bad and everything in between. And all he can focus on now is getting to Jensen. He wants to see the man so badly Jared can't stop his tears from running down his cheeks.

Jim leaves the room for less than a minute and comes back with a wheelchair. Jared can't figure out what the man needs it for until he finds his own ass planted into the wheels, IV bag lying on his lap and Jim squeezes his shoulders in a calming manner before Chris leads them to a room only five doors away.

Jared's heart speeds up, not only because he has been so close to Jensen without knowing it, but mostly because he doesn't know what to feel over the fact that he is actually going to see Jensen again. A man he loves with all his heart. A man he thought to be dead.

Chris knocks at the door twice while Jim pushes Jared forward so they stand close behind Chris.

"Hey grumpy. How's it hanging?" Chris drawls when he takes a tentative step inside the room. Jared just wants to yank him out of the way and wheel forward but he is aware that he doesn't even have enough strength yet to get out of that damn wheelchair himself.

"Ugh. Didn't I tell you to leave me the hell alone or get me outta here at least?"

Hearing Jensen's voice for the first time after such a long emotional misery shakes Jared. Relief and a kind of happiness he never experienced before washes over him.

"Yeah, you did. So, about Jared..."

"Whatever," Jensen interrupts his friend with heat and disappointment to the word, "maybe you were right about him."

"Maybe I was wrong. Actually, I know I was wrong."

Jared can't stand it any longer, he's too exhausted and very much too excited for Chris' games. With a pleading look he turns to Jim, who understands right away what Jared is asking.

Jim gets the wheelchair moving again then and passes Chris.

"J-Jen..." Jared whispers into the room. His eyes immediately finding Jensen's pale face. He looks just as bad as Jared feels and yet he's more beautiful than ever before. "Jensen."

"Oh my God. Jared?" Jensen pushes himself up on his elbows, wincing when the pain in his middle gets too much and he lowers himself back onto the bed. "Where... Jared? What's wrong?"

Looking at Jensen does ease the pressure and suffocating hurt in Jared's chest but he's completely lost for words, his whole world is upside down and everything feels like it's a dream. He's so fucking scared that if he wakes up he'll be thrown back in a world without Jensen. The sound of his own blood rushing through his veins is almost deafening to his own ears, the thump thump thump of his heart so loud he wouldn't doubt for a second that everyone in a twenty mile radius can hear it.

"Please don't wake me up." Jared mumbles mostly to himself and repeats it a couple more times for good measure and in hope that they will let him continue dreaming.

"Jared? Hey, say something. Are you alright?" The sound of Jensen rings in his ears, cutting through his thoughts and prayers and he can only shake his head in a clear no. No, he is not alright, he is anything but.

"Jensen," Jared watches how Chris walks closer to Jensen, voice slow and calm for once, "I think he's somewhat surprised."

"Huh?" Jensen wants to know, confusion perfectly in place and saturating his features as he stares at his friend but chooses to avert his eyes right back at Jared.

"I was wrong, what I said about Jared earlier; I was so off, you've got no idea. He, well, I told you he was pretty much out of it and in shock after you've been shot and for some reason he believed you didn't survive. Give him a minute and I'm sure he'll snap out of it."

Jared watches their interaction, listens to it but it's so surreal that he isn't sure if it's reality or a cruel joke on his part. It's Jim who gives him a push in the right direction when he leans in, close to Jared's ear. "It's okay, Jared."

"He's... he's alive." Staring right ahead and into Jensen's eyes, Jared talks more to himself than in answer to Jim's words.

"That he is. Now promise me you'll keep your breathing in check and don't pass out on me, can you do that?"

And as if on cue, Jared's breathing becomes shallow all over again, it feels like a hand is squeezing tightly around his throat, giving its everything to stop him from taking a breath.

"Jim, would you mind wheeling him over?" Chris asks concerned and immediately Jared feels the wheelchair he's seated in moving.

All of a sudden he's so close to Jensen he could reach out and touch him, feel the familiar texture of the man's skin under his fingers but he's too afraid that if he does touch the moment will burst like a bubble and he'll be back to where he knows Jensen couldn't possibly be alive.

"Jared, baby, please talk to me." Jensen is begging him with so much affection in the request that Jared can't hold back a wave of tears burning their way out of his eyes.

Jensen is the one closing their distance then and shimmies his body closer to the edge of the bed until he's an arm's length away and he reaches out, stroking his trembling fingers over Jared's cheek, thumbing away the many tears Jared can't stop from rolling down.

The small and simple touch is almost electric. So much so that Jared doesn't know if he should pull away from it or lean in. He does neither, stays completely still instead and watches how Jensen's eyes roam all over Jared, searching and asking.

"Jen..."

"Yeah, it's me. I'm okay and I'm not dead. See. You feel this?" Jensen asks when his thumb moves from his cheek over to the corner of his mouth, then his bottom lip. Jared closes his eyes, dwelling in the emotional turmoil the touch causes and he does lean in then. The heartbreak and anguish from the last days dripping away in bits by the soft brush of Jensen's skin along his lips.

"Thought... Jen, I thought I lost you." Jared hiccups against Jensen's hand.

"Shh, it's okay. Can you... can you get up here?"

Jared blinks away his tears, a question mark almost popping up above his head and he searches Jensen's face for an explanation. Eventually his brain catches on and he nods.

"And there it is. My cue to go." Chris laughs wholeheartedly and looks over to Jim, cocking his head in Jim's direction to help Jared out of the wheelchair.

"I better go tell the nurses to stay clear of this room. How long you gonna need Jen? Two minutes?" Chris' booming laughter fills the whole room.

Jensen snorts in amusement, "Chris," he says with a warning glare, "shut it and get out."

"Already gone. Jim you wanna watch or we trying to get another coffee?"

Scrambling to his feet, with Jim supporting most of Jared's weight, Jared accepts Jensen's offer and lies down next to the man. It's a tight fight, the hospital bed barely enough for one man and neither Jared nor Jensen are exactly small but it's still the most comfortable position Jared has ever been in. His body craving the warmth and comfort of Jensen's body and without another thought of Jim and Chris, he moves closer to Jensen's left side, tugging himself against the man. Before Jim leaves the room to follow Chris, he takes care of Jared's IV bag, hanging it up next to Jensen's.

A hiss from Jensen has Jared almost jumping off the bed, "...shit. What? What did I do?"

"Hurts." Jensen grunts through clenched teeth, face scrunching up in pain.

"I should... I should get out."

"Hell no. It's okay. Need you here, with me. Just... careful."

Jared nods against Jensen's neck, sighing in relief and inhaling the scent of pure Jensen. Missing Jensen when Jared thought the man wasn't alive anymore has been the worst experience in Jared's life and being close to the man again makes it all the more evident how much he really missed Jensen, how he can't possibly imagine being without the man anymore.

"I'm sorry." Jared breathes against Jensen's skin, face buried as deep in the man's neck as he physically can, "...so sorry."

"Don't be. He's never going to bother you again. 's all that matters." Jensen moves his left arm underneath Jared's head, pulling the younger man closer against his body and holding on tight.

Jensen turns his head then, mouth ghosting softly over Jared's forehead, trailing warm kisses over his skin and Jared lifts his head until his own lips are so close to Jensen's they are breathing each other in. Placing his slightly trembling lips over Jensen's is a feeling of pure bliss, of satisfying his cravings to the fullest and more importantly, it feels like coming home.

"Can't lose you." Jared puts his whole heart in those few words, hoping Jensen understands the deeper meaning behind it.

Capturing Jared's bottom lip with his own, Jensen starts kissing him in earnest. "I... Jay, I'm... I love you."

Jared's heart skips several beats at the confession and hearing Jensen speak those words wakes hundreds of butterflies in his belly. "Oh Jen."

"No, it's alright if you... if you don't... you know. I just, and... you deserve to know."

Jared locks eyes with Jensen, mouths still breathing in the same air, "'s that why you let him hurt you?"

"Couldn't let him take you away. Jay, I wasn't going to be able to live knowing he'd do all these things to you."

"And getting yourself almost killed... do you have any idea how terrible it was for me to think you're dead? Don't... don't ever do something stupid like that again, you hear?"

Jared watches how Jensen's eyes turn misty, all the hurt shining in those beautiful green eyes forces Jared to tear up as well. Crashing their lips together, careful of not getting too close to Jensen's wound, Jared captures Jensen's face in his hand, pulling him even further against his own. "God, don't ever do shit like that again. Love you, Jen, love you so much."

Swiping his tongue lazily over Jensen's lush lips, Jared pushes past and dives in, putting all his feelings into the kiss and they aren't letting go of each other, not until exhaustion and a week of barely any rest pulls them in and under. If any of the nurses come and complain about them sharing a hospital bed, well, they better bring a crowbar because neither of them is letting go anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter nearly made me lose my damn mind. And without my lovely beta this would have taken forever. Thank you so much, love. <333


	8. Chapter 8

_**...chapter eight...** _

 

Jensen thought that he was fine, that he could deal and forget, but now he has to admit to himself that he probably isn't as tough as he always believed to be. And all he has to do is turn the key to open the door to his house.

"You alright?" Jared whispers in a hush from right behind him.

"Yeah. Just happy to be home."

"Liar."

Someday Jensen will figure it out, will figure Jared out how the young man does it; read Jensen like they've known each other for years. Today isn't that day though. Right now, the most important thing for Jensen is that Jared is actually there, that they are _both_ there and alive.

Stepping inside his house for the first time in almost two weeks should bring a feeling of joy to Jensen, but all it does is leave his body to shiver at the sight of the mess in his home.

"Shit." Jared says, brushing past Jensen to get a better look at the chaos in the living room.

"I don't think _shit_ covers it. Fuck!" The snap in Jensen's voice is frightening, even to himself and he regrets the tone when his eyes land on Jared's scared face.

Without any further thoughts, Jensen is at Jared's side in a heartbeat but winces through the pain. Fast movements are still against doctor's orders and he tumbles against Jared, searching for leverage on the taller man.

"Hey, take it easy." Wrapping his arms around Jensen, Jared kisses the top of Jensen's head, inhaling deeply and not giving a damn about the hospital's antiseptic's smell still lingering in the cop's hair. "You should lie down for a while."

"Right and all this crap..." Jensen untangles himself from Jared to point at the disaster the paramedics and his fellow cops left behind.

"I'mma take care of it, okay? Go rest and I clean up."

Jared isn't sure how he'll manage to do that. Physically he’s almost back to normal but staring at the evidence of how much heartache he went through isn't easy for him. It brings all the pain back and he's hurt all over again. Jensen isn't in any condition to worry about the mess though, which leaves Jared to take care of the clean up.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Go upstairs and if you're up for it I'll fix you something to eat once I'm done."

"Careful, if it's edible I might wanna keep you." Jensen leans up and places a chaste kiss on the corner of Jared's mouth.

The words hang in the air like an awkward elephant in the room. Jensen exits the situation by following Jared's suggestion and retreats to his bedroom, which leaves Jared to his own thoughts. Being _kept_ is the last thing Jared wants, he's had enough of that to last him a lifetime. Jensen didn't mean it like that though, Jared is sure of it, but it still settles heavy in his stomach and he can't figure out if he wants things to get serious with Jensen or if Jared should take it slow.

He doesn't doubt the cop's feelings for him, quite the opposite, Jared draws mental strength from it and his heart is thumping crazily in his chest. Though, Jared needs to figure out where his life is leading from here on out. Jensen didn't leave Jared any other choice but to go home with him. Not that Jared hadn't wanted that, but he can't possibly stay with Jensen forever. Not yet. Not until he’s sure of them, of everything, of what he’s going to do with his life. Considering that Mark won’t ever be able to put a hold on Jared’s dreams and wishes anymore, Jared should feel like a free man, a bird whose wings finally have the time to heal and he could fly away; be free for real. But he’s still trapped inside his head, the last years of abuse and fear not as easy to shake off as he had thought.

Back at the hospital, Jared had called his parents in California and it took him half an hour to convince his mother that it was really him. For almost a year, his parent didn't know what happened to Jared, where he was or if he was even still alive. For all he knew, they probably thought he was dead. God knows what Mark told them.

His mother insisted Jared come home right away and it took him almost another hour to explain everything and tell his parents the whole truth about Mark. Of course he left the sexual abuse out of their conversation; there was only so much his mother could handle and her cries were already more than he could take. Talking about Jensen had been a whole lot easier and his mother was probably building a shrine for the man already. When she asked to meet the man who saved their son's life, Jared was at loss for words because he himself wasn't sure of the extent of their relationship yet. Sure, his mother was more interested in thanking the cop and perhaps supplying Jensen with a lifetime's worth of homemade apple pie but it would still entail this whole _meeting the parents_ situation. How to bring this subject up to Jensen, when they didn't even talk about themselves yet, is still beyond Jared.

Cleaning up the living room, Jared is constantly hit with waves of nausea when he throws away yet another bandage wrapper. The hardest part to clean is the carpet. None of the cleaning agents in Jensen's house seem to be strong enough to get rid of the blood stains. The thought of some of it being Mark's blood doesn't, surprisingly, bother him and he wonders what kind of person that makes him. But his mind runs wild and into painful territory when he remembers that a lot of it is also Jensen's and when he looks at his hands his body starts shaking.

He knows it's old blood; he knows that the amount of it doesn't matter anymore. Jensen is safe; he's upstairs, sleeping.

But fear and the grief he went through gets the better of him. He drops the cleaner and sponge and races upstairs. It's quiet in Jensen's bedroom, the man is probably sleeping but Jared has to see for himself that Jensen is inside and well.

Jared opens the door and relief washes over him when he spots Jensen on the bed, his upper body nude and he's only covered by a thin sheet from the waist down.

Swallowing hard, Jared's eyes land on the white bandage covering Jensen's abdomen and without thinking, Jared steps closer to sit on the edge of the bed. He feels like a creeper watching the man sleep and yet he couldn't care less. Jensen's breathing is even, mouth slightly open and hair rumpled from the pillow.

"Jensen?" It's a stupid idea to wake the cop; Jared is well aware of the fact that Jensen needs some sleep in order to heal properly. Though, Jared can't seem to fight the urge to be with Jensen, be close to him. Jared is scared of being alone, of being without Jensen.

"Jay? What's wrong?" Jensen stirs awake, rubbing at his eyes and squinting against the sunlight in the room.

When Jensen catches sight of Jared's hands he can't hide the panic on his face, eyes almost popping out, he sits up as fast as his sore body allows and he grabs for Jared's hands, "...what happened? Did you hurt yourself?"

Jared stares at their hands, dwelling in the warm skin of Jensen's fingers grabbing his own hands, turning them into every possible direction to look them over. "No. I... I was cleaning the carpet. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up but... but I... I got scared and needed to see you."

Tears begin to bubble up in Jared's eyes and hiding how frightened he is seems to be a hardship. He hates feeling weak and vulnerable but the last weeks have been too much for him and he can only hope that Jensen won't judge him for being so clingy at the moment.

"Hey, it's okay. Don't apologize."

Nodding, Jared untangles his hands from Jensen's, "I should let you get back to sleep. And... I still gotta finish downstairs."

"Don't worry about it." Jensen pushes himself up from the bed and holds his hand out for Jared, "let's go clean you up and then we both rest, hmm?"

Once back in the bed, Jared cuddles himself against Jensen in the exact same position they were when they shared the hospital bed. It's the only way he knows it won't hurt Jensen. It isn't as close as he wishes them to be but it's more than he could have ever hoped for and that thought alone starts the tears streaming down his cheeks all over again.

Another apology sits tightly on his tongue but every time he tried to tell Jensen how sorry he is about everything that happened, Jensen told him to let it go. Jared won't ever be able to let it go but he can surely stop himself from speaking up. He can't say much anyway with the way his throat is wracked with sobs and Jared buries his face in the crook of Jensen's neck.

"Come're..." Jensen nudges carefully at Jared's forehead and waits until the younger man lifts his head enough so Jensen can place a languid kiss on Jared's lips. It's sloppy, wet and salty but Jensen doesn't stop, kisses each and every tear away. Sobs turn into quiet moans and eventually Jared calms down in Jensen's embrace.

Their kisses and soft bites become heated very fast and Jensen isn't oblivious to Jared's arousal brushing against his hips. Jensen himself is pretty turned on too and he can feel the blood rushing to his groin faster than ever before. It's definitely been a long time.

When Jared notices how well and truly Jensen's cock hardens under the white sheets, he acts without thinking, pushing all his fears aside and sneaks his hand under the covers. The tip of Jensen's hard flesh is already peeking out from the top of his briefs and Jared pulls them down far enough to free the man's cock.

"Jared..." The name is spoken so quietly against Jared's lips that it's nothing but a short breath. Jared takes it as permission and wraps his hand around the thick shaft, stroking it lazily.

_Heaven_. It's Jared's first thought. It feels like heaven and swallowing down every moan from Jensen is proof enough of how much alive Jensen really is.

The weight of Jensen's arousal in his hand, the silky smooth skin gliding through his fingers, is almost enough to have Jared lose his mind. With slow thrusts of his pelvis, Jared ruts up against Jensen, pushing his cotton-clad cock deeper into the older man's strong thigh while keeping up his strokes.

Bucking more and harder into Jared's firm grip around his cock, Jensen stops mid-thrust when he's hit with a sharp pain from his middle. It feels like thousands of needles try to stab their way out of his stomach and he clenches his teeth to stop himself from crying out in pain. The pleasure Jared is causing him is not enough to overpower the strong pain from his still healing wound and he knows if he keeps putting more tension to his abdominal muscles he might risk bursting the stitches.

"Can't... Jay... you gotta, gotta stop. We… I can't do this."

The words hit Jared deep and his heart shatters at his own stupidity. He knew this was too much, that after the things Jensen saw him do, there was just no way that they could move on and forget about the past. Yanking his hand away as if burned, Jared’s lips begin to tremble with nerves, “I-I’m sorry. Should’ve known that you…” Jared can’t even gather enough bravery to finish the sentence. Learning so bluntly that Jensen won’t be keen on the idea of touching Jared ever again is breaking him in places he didn’t know he possessed. It should have been obvious to Jared that even though Jensen loves him, it won’t ever be enough to block out the things Jared had done.

“Yeah. It’s too soon.” Jensen pleads with him and Jared doesn’t understand the light smile tugging at the man’s lips while Jared himself feels like crying.

“I better leave.” It’s Jared’s last option; he can’t let himself swim in a sea of hope and getting away is what he’s good at, to some extent, and he won’t allow Jensen to stomp on his heart any longer so he shimmies away from the cop.

“What? Leave where?” Jensen cranes his neck to get a better look at the younger man and shock rushes through him when he’s aware of how serious and determined Jared is of getting away from him. “Did I do something wrong?”

Jared scoffs at the display of Jensen’s puppy eyes but doesn’t fall for it one bit. “Everything, I guess.”

“I… Jay, I don’t understand.”

“Why did you bring me here, Jensen? You said you love me and I believed you but now you finally realize that you can’t even let me touch you anymore?”

“What the hell are you talking about Jared? Sorry for having to remind you, but maybe you missed the fucking gunshot wound on my stomach. And maybe you forgot already, but it’s there _because_ I love you. You wanna bolt because I can’t function in the sack right now? Didn’t think of you as being so shallow. I’m sorry that the pain won’t let me enjoy your damn hands on me but if all you care about is getting your rocks off then, by all means, you know where the fucking door is.”

Disappointment doesn’t, by far, cover what Jensen is feeling at the moment and the last thing he wants is for Jared to leave. Hiding the hurt, that's for sure showing on his face, Jensen turns away. He swallows the pain down that comes along with the movement and buries his face deep in the pillow, only to be hit with Jared's scent that's still lingering on it.

The shocked gasp from Jared doesn't go unnoticed by him, no, it breaks his heart even more. Jensen keeps his position and waits for the footfalls in indication that Jared is leaving. They never come. The only sound filling the room is a broken whimper, followed by the bed dipping.

Curiosity and concern gets the better of Jensen and he cranes his neck, only to find Jared sobbing openly with his face hidden behind his hands.

"Jared?"

"I wasn't thinking." Jared says quietly, his voice rich with pleading. "After... after what you saw me doing with Mark, I thought you'd be disgusted with me."

Jensen feels like his brain is too big for his skull, a thrumming pain coursing through his head when the words begin to click together and finally make sense. Blinking away his confusion, Jensen shimmies closer to Jared, slowly as to not cause more distress to the wound on his stomach.

"I only wanted to be close to you, make you feel good. But then you..."

Jensen can't possibly listen to Jared apologize when there isn't anything the man has to feel sorry about. This is nothing but a misunderstanding. Carefully, but quickly enough, Jensen settles in behind Jared, his chest pressed firmly against Jared's back and his arms sneaking around the younger man's waist.

Caressing his flat palms over Jared's heart, Jensen rests his head on the man's shoulder. "You didn't do anything _with_ him. Jared, he _raped_ you."

Jensen has to hold on with a firmer grip, the words evidently too much for Jared when he tries to squirm out of Jensen's arms.

"Shh... it's okay. There was nothing you could have done, other than saying no. Jared, I know why you didn't fight him off. If you had, then he probably would've killed me long before Chris came busting in. You let it happen to save my life. Don't believe for a second that I could be disgusted with you."

Jared sags deeper into Jensen's chest, another sob wracking the man's body. "But you saw it. How can you not be disgusted?"

"Saying that I wasn't feeling disgust would be a lie, but it had nothing to do with what he forced you into. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him."

"Jensen, I'm such a mess."

Jensen brushes his lips over the soft skin of Jared's shoulder, letting the warmth of the younger man seep into his own body. Jensen realizes that, even though he doesn't think of Jared being a mess, the man seems still traumatized enough by the fact that he believes he needs to shoulder all the blame.

"You've been through more than most people could possibly imagine and I'm so sorry for what I said to you before. It only made it all worse. Please forgive me?" Jensen stills his lips then, waiting patiently for Jared to say something and he isn't surprised when all the answer he receives is a slight whimper.

"More than anything, I want to be with you, Jared. Wanted you so badly since I first met you and I still do. Always will."

Jensen can feel the rapid beat of his heart and he's sure Jared can feel it too, right there against his trembling back. Maybe it's wrong, Jensen isn't sure of it, but in this moment he knows of only one way to prove to Jared just how much he really wants the younger man.

Slowly, Jensen ghosts his palms over Jared’s broad chest, thumbs brushing lightly over the man's shirt-clad nipples until they harden under Jensen's caress.

"I _do_ love you." Jensen whispers against Jared's neck, lips travelling over the mere inches of bare skin.

The heavy, yet welcoming, weight of the young man on Jensen's chest isn't as comfortable as Jensen is used to. The wound on his stomach the only thing to blame for it but Jensen ignores the sting nonetheless because Jared is still there, silent, but there and that's all Jensen really cares about. Letting Jared go is definitely something Jensen can't fathom to bear.

Smoothing his right hand lower, Jensen starts playing with the waistband of Jared's sweat pants. "If you want me to stop..."

"N-No." Jared's head falls back on Jensen's shoulder, broken sobs turning into quiet moans and Jensen just goes for it. Nervously, he pushes his hand inside Jared's pants and his breath catches in his throat when he finally comes in contact with Jared's soft cock. Only a few minutes ago the man was as hard as a rock and then Jensen had to screw it all up by not making himself clear enough. He's done screwing up though, so done seeing the man he loves hurt. With lazy strokes, Jensen brings his lover back to full hardness and he can't remember a time where he had to will his own arousal back and ignore his own need as much as right now. And Jesus Christ, touching Jared like that, having the man go limp in his hold is doing some really silly stuff to Jensen’s brain. He wants Jared so bad it almost hurts. Screw that, it does hurt. He’s so achingly turned on it’s not even funny anymore but he’s got no choice but to ignore it.

Resting his face in the crook of Jared’s neck, Jensen increases his strokes until Jared meets the pumps of his fist and bucks up all needy and desperate. The sounds coming from Jared are like a catchy melody and Jensen wants to always hear him like this, wants to feel Jared falling apart for him.

“Can you come for me, Jay? Want to feel you losing it.” Jensen’s words are a hushed and raspy whisper against the back of Jared’s head. He can practically feel the shiver running down Jared’s spine.

“Hnnng… Jen, faster. So… so close.” Jared snaps his hips up, almost shooting off the bed when Jensen grips his hand around Jared’s cock harder; thumb pressing into the slit and when he strokes the veiny shaft down again Jared starts crying out his release, Jensen’s name on his lips.

“Love you, Jay. So perfect.”

Not giving a damn about the sheets, Jensen uses them to clean his come-covered hand up and slowly pulls Jared with him on the bed, the younger man completely worn out and dizzily glowing in his orgasmic bliss.

Jensen figures it isn’t so terrible not getting off for once, the pure joy of watching Jared so far gone and very positively wrecked from a simple handjob is worth more. And, of course, waking up next to Jared come morning, nothing isbetter in life than having Jared with him.

*******

"Jensen, I'm going home." Jared stares at his reflection in the mirror before he sighs heavily. This isn't working. He can't find the words to let the man in on his plan. It’s been a few days since they were both released from the hospital and whenever Jared talked to his mom on the phone he told her that no, he couldn’t come back yet. But deep down, he knew he was lying to her, he definitely wants to see her and his dad. There is just this little problem of how to tell Jensen.

Visibly shaking himself into a different mood and pouting, he starts all over again. "Okay, so, I was thinking..."

Yeah, not going to work either. Jared grips the sink in front of him and groans in frustration. Why is it always so difficult for him to get his point across when it comes to Jensen? He's scared that no matter what way he puts his words, the cop will probably misunderstand or read something negative into them.

After a few deep breaths, Jared composes himself, steeling his nerves one last time, and gives his practice speech another try, "Jensen, I'm going back to California."

Jared has no other choice but to mentally slap his face. This is fucking stupid. It shouldn't be so hard to tell Jensen how badly Jared wants to get back on his feet but he can't do that in Texas. Well, technically he can and he will, but first he really wants to go back home. Jared misses his family something fierce and after one year of running, he can't wait to see his mother again; he misses her hugs and homemade food. Jared simply can't fathom how to stay away from them any longer.

When he ran away, he left with nothing and if he ever wants to start living his life, he needs to get his papers and legal documents back. Sure, his parents could just send them, Jared even suggested that much to his mother. But just as Jared suspected, his mother wouldn't have any of it. So yeah, he will go back to California. For his family and all his legal documents.

"Hate to break it to you, but that speech sucked."

Jared's eyes go wide at Jensen's voice suddenly appearing from the bathroom door.

"Jensen... I... I can explain." Jared gulps down his shock and fiddles with the hem of his shirt to kill the nervousness that's trying to crush him.

Jensen crosses his arms over his chest, body leaning against the door frame and the light smile on the older man's lips takes only a little of Jared's jitters away. "Before I start assuming anything, let me ask you this: Will you be gone for good or do you intend on coming back?"

Jared closes the few steps separating them and, with a palpable blush on his face, he stares into Jensen’s sad eyes. The cop is evidently trying to hide his unhappiness over what he’s heard and it’s definitely a great boost for his confidence. “Actually, uh, that’s why I didn’t know how to tell you. I was wondering if you’d like to come with me?”

Jensen blinks up at Jared in confusion and Jared’s heart starts beating rapidly when the other man doesn’t answer for a long while. Jared is still unsure about the idea of Jensen meeting his parents yet; there’s still so much the both of them need to learn and figure out about their relationship, about each other. Hell, Jared doesn’t even know if he and Jensen can actually make this whole relationship thing work. But Jared’s decision is made: he’s going back home, even if it’s only for a few days or a couple of weeks. Even though his parents already know that Jensen and he are more than just friends, Jared can’t even begin to imagine how weird it must be for them to see Jared with someone other than Mark. They had been together for so long his parents most definitely believed every lie Mark fed them, about how much he missed Jared and how worried he was. So yeah, definitely weird. Still, Jared wants Jensen to come with him, needs him by his side because being without Jensen for too long is bound to drive Jared insane. Not to mention how Jensen is, besides Jim, the only person he feels safe around.

“To California?” Jensen asks dumbly and his expression says anything but delight. It makes Jared all the more anxious.

“Yeah. I mean, we could both use some change of scenery for a few days and… uh, there’s something else.”

“Like what?”

"I want to come back here, to Dallas and to you if you want me. But there are some things I need to take care of and maybe you'd... uh, well, I might've told my parents about you."

Jensen raises an eyebrow at the confession and it's obvious in Jared's nervous fidgeting that the younger man told his parents about the whole nature of their relationship. With great effort, Jensen holds back a laugh at how adorable Jared really is. At first Jensen had been frustrated when he listened in on Jared’s little speech and the fear of losing Jared crawled up within him, ready to break him completely. But one huge misunderstanding was enough and giving Jared time to explain what he was practicing for seems to have been the right decision.

"So, you want me to meet your parents?" Jensen puts on his best pokerface; he's a cop after all and knows best how to keep his facial expressions out of any interrogation.

"You think it's a stupid idea." Jared takes a tentative step backwards and hangs his head in disappointment. "I kinda knew it would be too soon. I mean, it's ridiculous. Maybe I hoped that we're... God, I don't even know what we are. We don't even really know each other."

Jared has a point, they barely know anything about the other one, but in the end it doesn't even matter because Jensen knows that he'd love to spend years learning everything there is to know about Jared. "Well, I know you like your coffee sweet and that you prefer the right side of the bed but you still sleep on the left side because you know how much I prefer the right side as well. Oh, and you love lasagna. You snore, a little, and you hog the blanket. No matter what a person has done, you'll always give them a second chance because you want people around you to be happy. When you smile, my knees go week and when you kiss me my heart goes all crazy. You're the strongest person I know and you go above and beyond for everyone dear to you. Yeah, I don't know much about you, but the things I know were enough to fall in love with you. Everything else? I'm sure if given enough time I'll find out about every little quirk you're trying to hide."

Jensen closes the distance between them with slow steps, careful and calculated so as to not cause his wound to protest by the movement. Wrapping his arms around Jared's waist, he tugs himself flush against Jared's chest and places small kisses on the man's jawline. "I'd love to meet your parents."

Jared suddenly feels like crying, his emotions are all over the place and he swallows down a relieved whimper; instead of voicing his feelings, he holds on just a little bit tighter to Jensen. He is still scared though, mostly of what's going to happen with them once Jensen realizes how many issues Jared has. Sure, he trusts Jensen, but years of Mark's abuse and lies caused so many pieces of Jared's soul to shatter and break. He knows that he can't step back from this though, Jared can't fall out of love with Jensen and if they won't be able to make it, if they don't work out, then Jared is going to fall apart for good this time.

In the short time they've known each other, Jared found his personal anchor in Jensen; the man is holding him together and mending his heart with his smiles alone.

Whereas giving his heart over to Jensen is something Jared never had any control over, he's still wary of emotionally giving himself over completely to the man. Especially since Jensen knows how easy it had been for Mark to hold so much power over Jared. He still feels exposed and there is no doubt that he’s got a long way to go until the tiniest sliver of doubt and fear drains out and away from him. Jared feels guilty even thinking like that, after everything that Jensen has done for him, but he can’t run away from his own head, those thoughts are there and he can only hope Jensen’s love is honest and strong enough to get past this and put Jared’s skepticism at rest. For good.

“You think they gonna like me?” Jensen’s lips whisper against the shell of his ear and the heat from the cop’s breath catapults him right out of his negative thinking and straight into completely different territory where his breathing becomes all shaky.

“They’ll… they’ll love you.” Which is a huge understatement, considering how badly his mother keeps bugging him to bring Jensen along.

“Well, when are we leaving then?” Jensen’s lips won’t stop distracting Jared, his brain is completely short-circuiting with the sweet wetness of the man’s tongue sneaking its way inside Jared’s mouth.

Sucking around the warm tongue and nibbling at Jensen’s lips, it takes Jared a while longer to understand that Jensen was asking him something and that maybe he should answer the man. “Uh… I’ve got a plane ticket for the day after tomorrow.”

Jensen suddenly puts way too much distance between them, his eyes blinking up at Jared nervously, “…plane ticket?”

“Yeah. Jen, what’s wrong?”

“I’m not flying.”

Jared’s heart sinks to his feet and he can already feel tears prickling behind his lids but before he can ask Jensen why he suddenly changed his mind, the cop taps his palm over Jared’s chest.

“First thing you need to learn about your boyfriend? He’s not stepping on a plane. Not ever. Not going to happen. No way. We’re driving. Road trip.”

Slowly, Jared’s brain catches on and it hits him what Jensen just said, “boyfriend?” The sting on Jared’s skin is most definitely from the splitting smile his face is sporting and it turns even broader when it’s returned by Jensen.

“Yep. You wanna be my boyfriend, Jared Padalecki?” Jensen asks in a high-pitched voice and wiggles his eyebrows at him, the tip of his tongue peaks out between his teeth, making the question even sillier than it already is.

Jared answers by throwing his arms around Jensen’s neck and crashes their lips together in a long and needy kiss. If only half of the future they’re going to face is anything like the moment they are sharing right now, then Jared might be able to get rid of all these pressing memories faster than he first thought.

“I sing along to every song I hear on the radio.” Jared whispers into Jensen’s mouth when they part for air.

“It’s okay. I can yank the antenna off.”

Yeah, they actually might make it work. Jared doesn’t tell Jensen that he knows hundreds of songs by heart. He doesn’t need a radio to sing. It’ll be a wonderful and torturous way for him to test Jensen’s patience.

**[the end*]**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*) Timestamps might follow, then this will turn into a verse. ;) I already have a couple of ideas, so stay tuned.  
> ___________________________________________________
> 
> For many readers it'll be a delight to see that there's no bottom!Jensen after all. But. Ha! Here it comes. There is one specific timestamp I have already planned out in my head - there's definitely going to be bottom!Jensen. Another thing: I said there might be eventual bareback. Didn't happen. Yet. Wait for timestamps. ;))
> 
> ___________________________________________________
> 
> Now, to the important stuff: I'm sorry that the new update took me a little while longer. If you're also following my updates on [LJ](http://www.demondetox.com) you know that I'm also betaing for my beta. Go figure. She's got a couple of stories with a deadline and I promised to be ready for her stories whenever she needs me. Also: we both got a life outside of the wonderful fic-world and on top of that I had been hospitalized for a couple of days, which threw me back quite a bit and I wasn't able to read, much less get any writing done. Therefore, again, I'm sorry that you had to wait so long for the last chapter. But now it's here. Finally! 
> 
> Big thank you to everyone who read the story, hugs to everyone who gave kudos and kisses to the people who took the time to leave all these amazing comments. <3


End file.
